(Closed) What can I do about being exlcuded from husbands family?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

I honestly would follow your husbands lead on this one and proceed with the cut off. You are extremely lucky that you have such a supportive husband who has his eyes open and sees what is going on! So many times that is not the case and the husband is blind to it or just blows off his wife’s concerns for his family. Do the cut off- you should not waste your engery on those people. You will probably never do right in their eyes so focus your energy making youself happy and don’t think about them. Those kind of people will never change and use any excuse to find fault so having a cut off just gets rid of the stress on you and wondering what the next issue they will have with you will be. 

Post # 4
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with DVsMom. Why would you constantly put yourself through this? You’ve tried talking to them about it on multiple occasions and it hasn’t worked. They’re not going to change unless something drastic happens. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know how you feel. I’ve always gotten along really well with previous boyfriend’s parents. We don’t get along with DH’s stepmother and it escalated to the point where we had to cut her out of our life. Even though I think she’s slightly off balance and I know it’s best for everyone to have her out of our lives I can’t help but feel a little sad about it. Mostly because it didn’t need to be that way. You can’t make other people’s choices for them. 

I say cut them out, give it some time. See if in 6 months or a year Darling Husband wants to approach his parents and offer a fresh start if you’re all open to it at that point. I’m glad to hear your husband is so supportive and is sticking up for you. You’ve got a good guy 🙂

Post # 6
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@aimes33: It’s hard to come to terms with because you want to believe in the good in people and hold on to hope that one day soon they’ll turn around and say “Oh gosh, you’re right, we were huge jerks! I’m so sorry!!!” but really, you know in your heart of hearts that’s not going to happen. And that sucks. And hurts. You want to hope that they would behave how you would and admit when you’re wrong and apologize. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen. Some people are stubborn jerks who will never ever admit to being in the wrong.

Like I said, we had to cut DH’s stepmom out of our life. I imagine we won’t speak to her again until we have kids in a couple of years and then we’ll attempt to give it another go. Does she deserve that second chance after all the crap she pulled on us? No. BUT it kills me to think of our kids losing out on one of their grandparents, so when the time comes we’ll reassess the situation and likely open that door again. Darling Husband isn’t so keen on it, but I think that as life and circumstances change, some times a fresh opportunity is given to mend fences. When the time comes to open that door again you’ll know. Until then, just keep moving forward with your relationship and live the life you two want to build together surrounded by people who love you and support you.

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Since some of his family do treat you good, maybe you should speak to them and let them know why you are cutting the others out. I don’t see a reason to have to cut out the nice ones too

Post # 9
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@aimes33: I have a couple questions! You mentioned that your SIL is chinese, are you chinese? Is your BIL’s wife chinese? Is the real issue here that you won’t be accepted because you are not the same culture or are you also chinese and they are just being jerks? I feel really bad for you in this situation because I know exactly what you are going through. My Future Mother-In-Law hates me because I have a kid (LONG story) and my Fiance and I are basically going through the same things with his family (except to a different level because I don’t talk to his mom at all and Fiance hardly does and she is an animal [curses yells rants screams..crazy bitch]) I have to tell you, if it is a cultural thing it will NEVER get better. They will NEVER accept you. You are trying to hold on because just like me, you wanted a relationship with your in laws, its just natural. You kind of have to give that up… There is no compromise with ignorance and you just drain yourself trying to do it. 

Post # 10
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Personally I wouldnt interact with them much. IF they are making it obvious they dont like you then just forget about their approval or trying to be accepted as a part of their family. It doesnt sound like the type of family I would want to be a part of. I would just be polite and civil when I have to be around them but then just stay clear of them when possible

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Your situation sounds slightly similar to my past with my in-laws, except the SIL situation.

The best advice I was given was just to wait – relationships evolve and one day they will realize the good person you are and be grateful to have you in their family. All the things you said you’ve done for them in their times of need, sound just like me – yet I was still being mis-treated. My husband is just like yours as well – we actually cut contact from my Mother-In-Law because of her bahavior for about 6 months as well.

This is a situation where you have to let you husband make the decisions, trust that he will stand up for you, and if he makes the decision to visit them, just remain the respectful person that you are.

I will offer some light at the end of the tunnel, through my very turmoilous relationship that I and my husband have had w/ his parents for the past 5 years – it has been getting better. I feel more comfortable being around them, and they are starting to warm up a little bit more. They havn’t been rude or disrespectful in over a year.

Be patient, I am of the school of thought that they will eventually see the good person you are – and although they may never say it outloud, just give it time.

Post # 13
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@aimes33: I agree with other posters who say you are doing the right thing and luck to have a supportive husband.  Life is too short to have all of that negativity around you and if they’re not going to support you, there’s no real reason to continue to be treated that way.  Of course you have a desire to fit in with your husband’s family and will feel rejection if you don’t but it’s YOUR life to live, not theirs!

Post # 16
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@aimes33: Yea……we used to fight about them but they are a nonfactor as of right now. In my situation it is not that they want to stress us, everything is all about them [read: MIL]. I am so sorry you are in MY situation because I know how hard it can be..especially if you don’t have a thick skin 🙁 Feel free to PM me if you need to chat ok?

The topic ‘What can I do about being exlcuded from husbands family?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors