- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
I’m looking for some advice on what I can do about a friend who has suddenly stopped talking to me and I have no idea why. I need to give a bit of back information in order for this to make sense I believe, so here goes.
We’ve been friends for nearly 7 years and met in our early twenties at a support group (we both went through domestic violence). We were there for each other for years through all sorts of really low points.
There was one time when things were really bad for me about a year into our friendship and she was initially there for me and really supportive. But then she went a bit quiet and distant. Having previously left the support group she then returned and made a big deal out of announcing the reason she had left was because she had gotten too close to me and blamed herself for the things that were going on with me (made no sense). Other people then began acting weird towards me at this group after that so I stopped confiding too much, but this was all within the first year of friendship.
She did eventually come back though and we seemed to slowly rekindle our friendship, although I was always careful about what I talked to her about as I didn’t want to upset her. However she would often call me late at night extremely distressed, and would talk for literally hours, sometimes until the early hours of the morning, which I allowed her to do as I felt so bad for her. We both ended up leaving the support group around the same time (about 3 years ago) but stayed friends and I would continue to take her phone calls and was often very worried for her.
She then moved away, so it was difficult to actually see her as neither of us were doing great financially, but would keep in touch over the phone. However whilst her life went rapidly downhill, mine began to pick up a lot – Went back into education, made a whole new circle of friends, began to socialise much more, met FH etc. FH did get concerned sometimes when my friend phoned and said it sometimes felt like she was a bit jealous or would try to drag me down but I didn’t see it like that and wanted to be there for her as life was so unkind to her.
Things got very busy when we began wedding planning last year on top of everything else, plus I had my own drama as FH’s family were extremely difficult towards me over a few things (I mentioned this in my previous thread). During one phone call with this friend, I did attempt to confide in her but she kind of almost brushed it off fairly quickly – not in a rude way but just kind of “oh I’m sorry, I hope it gets better for you” and then went on to talk for a long time about some pretty terrible things in her own life, which of course I understood, but I don’t know I began to feel maybe things were a little one sided, but I felt guilty for feeling like that.
For a few months I heard nothing from her at all. I got a text around New Year saying she’d not been well and would be in touch soon. I left it for her to get in touch (maybe not a good thing) and it was a couple of months before she rang me and told me she’s been in hospital because she had tried to kill herself. I felt awful for not contacting sooner and like the most awful friend ever.
I had no idea what to say. I mean what do you say? She didn’t even sound upset, she sounded numb and was talking like it had happened to someone else which scared me as I thought she would try it again. She informed me she really meant to die and wished she had. She said she had made a new bunch of friends but they weren’t helping as all they did was cry in her face about it and she would end up comforting them. This was hard as I was so close to tears myself but knew it wouldn’t help. It was so hard to know what to say to her though, when all that kept coming in my head was “you nearly died”.
She asked me what was going on in my life. I had no idea what I could say – “my life is going pretty good whilst yours is in pieces”? So I quietly mentioned about the wedding and tried to change the subject. She did say she was happy for me though and asked about coming, to which I said of course. I explained we would be doing a religious ceremony very soon just for FH’s family sake, but that our main wedding was in the Fall and she was definitely invited and to text me her new address.
She mentioned a guy she was seeing who she had met in the mental hospital and I have to admit this concerned me as I would hate to think what could happen if they both got really low, but I tried to remain positive for her and agreed she could bring any guest she liked to the wedding (this guy I am assuming).
I wasn’t on Facebook at the time but said I was thinking of creating one and would add her if I did. It was actually this that spurred me to create one. I had a hard time finding her for a couple of weeks after I created it (she had given herself a weird middle name) but I did eventually and sent her a request along with a message. She never accepted or replied. I could see by her wall (which was open) that she was still updating her status and picture etc. I even saw something very shortly after I tried adding her that she tagged her new friends in which said something like “sometimes the people who have been in your life a short time make a much bigger impact than those who have been in your life longer” which I wasn’t sure if it was directed at me or not and tried to convince myself it wasn’t.
I left it a little while as I knew she was going through so much pain and didn’t want to push her/make her feel crowded or uncomfortable. I did her an invitation a couple of months later but couldn’t send it as I had no address. I texted both her numbers but got no response and called both but went straight to voicemail. I tried messaging her again on Facebook as thought maybe it never went through but again, no response yet I can see she is still active on there.
So I’ve come to the conclusion she is ignoring me, yet I don’t know what I did/didn’t do. This has really upset me as I felt terrible enough as it was for not being there and just the thought of her wanting to take her life was devestating – knowing how hopeless she must have felt.
I’m trying to work out what I did wrong. After what she said about her other friends, I tried to control my emotions – maybe this was something to do with it – she thought I didn’t care? Did I give her too much space? My FH thinks it’s a jealousy thing and feels she only liked me when I was very low myself, but she seemed happy for me. I’m wracking my brain and the only other thing I can think of is if she got my request and saw my pics from our “wedding” and assumed we’d had it without inviting her, even though I explained this to her, she might have misunderstood/forgot. And being that I asked her for her address so I could send the invitation, I doubt it.
What can I even do now if she won’t even talk to me about it? I can’t even send her invitation as I have no address for her. I feel terrible just writing her off like this though after all she went through and don’t want to make things worse.
Does anyone have any sort of advice, I’m sorry this is very long 🙁