What can I do about this person?

posted 1 week ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee

The victim blaming going on here is appalling. Don’t listen to these idiotic comments, OP. 

I don’t have much advice. I just couldn’t let the victim blaming go unnoticed. I’ve been in a slightly similar situation myself, though not as bad. I mainly ignored, or kept messages bland and also just said I was busy and didn’t have time to keep up with people I didn’t really know anymore. 

In your case making a paper trail with the police can’t do any harm. Even if they don’t listen, at least it’s there. Also tell as many friends and family as you can. 

Post # 17
Member
9543 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

throwmefaraway :  

Bee, it’s not a matter of the police taking you seriously. They won’t laugh and throw you out. What’s important is protecting yourself and the next woman that this predator targets.

You must file a police report.  It’s crucial that you start a paper trail, just as the other Bees have been advising you. This is going to be essential if you have to involve law enforcement or the courts, including seeking a restraining order.

Have No Contact of any kind, under any circumstances. This includes telling him to go away. He will translate ANY communication from you into she wants me!

Block absolutely everything.

If he contacts you again, document it. Date, time, location, and content. If he continues, even with no response from you, call the police. They get paid for this sort of thing. After Rebecca Schaffer was murdered by her stalker in 1989, many departments started taking stalking cases much more seriously.

Post # 18
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

I had a semi-similar situation with someone who stalked me, although I had willingly gone on a couple dates with him. When he had me so frightened, I made many more poor choices compared to your one poor choice of meeting him. I totally get why you’d do that because, in my case anyway, I felt I could reason with him in person. I couldn’t, and that led to me being physically abused. 

 

By the time he’d been coming to my door at all hours of the night after I started dating someone new, I tried to get a restraining order, but I was denied because he had not done anything physically in almost a year. This was 20 years ago, so hopefully those in your area will be more understanding. I would just tell them that you are very afraid and that given how many years it has been, you worry about his behavior excalating. When I was denied the order, I should have advocated for myself more, but I just accepted their words and left. You should for sure try just so that you can hopefully get it, and if they don’t give it to you, get the names of everyone you deal with. Good luck to you! 

Post # 19
Member
677 posts
Busy bee

His behavior is really, really creepy and unacceptable, and you’re at no fault for his actions. Any sane, decent person should have been able to recognize your disinterest and left you alone, but perhaps this man needs to be explicitly and bluntly told that you have never and will never be interested in any form of relationship with him…I understand why you made the mistake of meeting up with him and kissing him, but from his viewpoint it would seem you were interested in him, and that moment validated all his unacceptable behavior up to that point and likely afterwards. If he ever contacts you again, I would straight up tell him how it is. Don’t leave him guessing or wondering if you’re “playing games”, otherwise it’s clear he’ll keep pursuing. Also, it’s extemely important to have a record of telling him to stop, in the case that you may want/need to take legal action (some areas require proof of expressed discomfort to the aggressor before they’ll consider it harassment). 

That being said, if he’s currently not trying to contact you, doesn’t know where you live, etc. I wouldn’t seek out reconnecting just to tell him to bug off. Stalking your social media is certainly uncomfortable, but keep everything as private as you can from unfriended strangers (keep privacy settings on “friends only” and not “friends of friends”), don’t accept reuqests from people you don’t know, etc. Because again, I don’t think it’s worth opening that can of worms if your safety isn’t currently at risk. Try to keep him completely blocked and cut out from your life.

Post # 20
Member
1825 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Bee, please do not listen to the victim blaming and shaming posts on this thread. I don’t think people understand how mental illness works. Especially in this situation if you were depressed and obviously this guy is not stable. 

Please do not feel guilty about anything that happened. This guy is messed up and you need to focus on cutting ties with him.

I agree with PP that you need to block him on everything you can think of. I would even try to block him on LinkedIn…if that’s a thing? I don’t know for sure. 

If you see any more evidence of him stalking you, reaching out, anything, I would then reach out to the police. All you would have to do is file. They don’t even have to do anything but it leaves a paper trail if anything happens down the road. There are hundreds of women that deal with this and they never go to the police until it’s too late. 

Do you know if you have any mutual friends in common? Someone who’s feeding him information? Or someone who is showing him your Facebook? 

There are also some websites out there that are completely public record but include things like your address, you parent’s names, etc. One that recently had issues was Family Tree Now. I would try to see if you can find yourself and your information and request it be taken down. I just looked myself up and I can see my parents, sister, grandparents, my cell phone number, my parent’s old landline and every address I’ve ever lived. Please look into these sites! They’re a stalkers paradise! 

Sorry you have to go through this Bee. It’s a pure nightmare. 

 

Post # 21
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

throwmefaraway :  Even if the police don’t take you seriously or do anything about it, by reporting this stuff you are creating a paper trail, which would be very helpful if his behaviour does eventually escalate. 

As for the judgment you are getting here – people need to lay off. Even if you were mentally well, I can understand how in that moment you thought the safest thing to do would be to meet up with him. It’s a tough situation to read. He’d gotten your address before and you had no reason to believe he wouldn’t find your current address. I’d have been worried about what he might do if I didn’t agree to meet him. There really is no telling what was the right call at the time. I’m just glad you managed to get away from the situation physically unscathed. 

Post # 22
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Regardless of how you should have reacted in the past. That’s done. You’re here for advice for now. 

I’ve been stalked before and I’ve been sexually harassed at work before. It’s scary, not fun, makes you feel utterly helpless, and like you I never dated these men and made it clear I had no romantic interest in them. I showed the stalker less attention that you’ve shown yours, and he still followed me home one night and was creepy. Your stalker is much more persistent and motivated than mine was, so I understand how scared you must be.

Yes, you need to start a paper trail with the police. They likely won’t do anything about it, and since the last incident was a while ago, you probably don’t have grounds for a restraining order. However, you need to establish a history just in case this escalates again. 

It’s good you’ve blocked this guy. Also make sure that location services such as Find my Friends, and the map on Snapchat are disabled or only turned on for people you trust like family and/or your SO. You want to guard yourself from this guy impersonating someone else to get to you on social media or to get to your location. 

Make sure you have nothing that would identify your location on Linked In. If you’re worried about this guy showing up at your work, I’d notify your building security or your management and provide a picture of this guy so they can be aware of him. 

Finally, stay aware of your surroundings, and perhaps invest in self defense classes and mace. 

Post # 23
Member
9253 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

He’s stalking you. He is a stalker. 

Block him on any form of communication you can, take precautions to protect yourself, your home, your partner. Then file a formal complaint with the police.

I would suggest taking self defense classes and carrying something to protect yourself with. It never hurts to be prepared.

Post # 24
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Hmm?? Why call the police?? What illegal thing has je done recently??

Post # 25
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah stalking is a crime. I spoke with my father, he was a police officer for 30 years and retired a step below chief. YMMV with state laws and how seriously your local police and courts take it, but he said to absolutely file a police report and try to get a restraining order. If he contacts you again let the police know. Just be sure to establish a paper trail because if God forbid something terrible happened they would know who to look for.

Post # 26
Member
9253 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

Also, just throwing this out there, the Linked In thing is just what you know about. He could be keeping tabs on you in ways that you have not yet discovered – fake social media profiles, tracking you in person without your knowledge, driving by your home. 

Post # 27
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Please bee, if you’re ambivalent on what to do next just go to you nearest precint and have a convo with an officer.  He/she will tell you that police can’t do anything until creepy dude acts but if you’re in the US stalking is ILLEGAL so they can actually guide you in taking the next steps.  Mind you like the pp’s have said, this is really just a paper trail and paper won’t stop someone if they’re determined.  You have a duty to yourself to take this as the serious threat that it is.  There are too many people who have downplayed or thought their stalker was mostly harmless……many of them are now dead.

I doubt, in this day with the many domestic stalking cases they deal with almost daily, that they wouldn’t take you seriously. 

Additionally, if you haven’t done so already you need to tell every person that knows you that you have a stalker.  While its pretty easy to track people down online, many times stalkers simply get info from people who know you and who also view him as harmless.   Let’s not make things easy for him.  You need to let everyone know who this person is (with pics) and to NOT to give out personal info about you to anyone without your express permission.  

Post # 28
Member
4404 posts
Honey bee

Please make a police report this is do creepy. Even if he isn’t stalking you now…that you know of, make a paper trail. Holy shit he followed you to another country!!!

Also here to say wtf on the victim shaming. Seriously ignore them. I had someone creating a bunch of fake social media accounts to make rude comments and I had an idea of who it might be. No proof. I private messaged our local police department and they told me what actions I could take. 

So for sure contact them. You may even have enough to get a restraining order. People need to take this kind of shit seriously. It’s not ok to have your life continually disrupted by this creepy mofo. 

Post # 29
Member
4404 posts
Honey bee

Also get some giant pepper spray.  

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