- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
i almost can’t believe i am posting this – but i don’t want to discuss it with anyone even my fiance. i have titled this “what can i say?” because although i understand, i am really sad & disappointed. my wedding is june 15, 150 people (mostly family) and i am inviting 6 friends, 3 of which are in the wedding.
my bf/bridesmaid called me today to tell me her bittersweet news, that she won’t be able to attend my wedding because she is pregnant with her #2 baby. she did ivf and it didn’t work this summer, and i had assumed she would have waited a few more months to give it another try so that she would be able to be at my wedding as a pregnant bmaid. i am happy for her don’t get me wrong, but her absence will definitely be noticed on the big day which i had set in may. i was surprised when she told me they went for it again in september and have been preparing myself for this bittersweet news since she told me 8-10 weeks ago – of course i was hoping it would work.
i get that each person has to do what is best for them. i am totally empathetic to her situation and i know it was something she had struggled with because of how it would affect her participation and ability to even attend. i don’t need anyone to point out or make justifications to me on how a baby trumps a wedding – i get it, but still i am sad. after we got off the phone i cried, took my dog for a long walk to try to clear my head, then went to the gym, and still feel hollow inside. i am afraid it is a void that will just forever be there because she is my best friend and is missing one of the biggest days of my life.
i have also had another friend who isn’t in my wedding bail because something “came up.” she also knew since this summer to “save the date.” again, i understand that not everyone will be able to attend and that i will have a great time no matter what and to cherish those who are there. im starting to feel like why am i putting myself, my fiance, and our families after being together for 6.5 yrs through all of this expensive wedding party stuff when those closest to me won’t even be there.
While i am a friendly person, i don’t have many close friends but a good 5 or 6. as we have all gone through our 20’s so much has changed in each of our lives and i guess it is harder to make the effort to be friends. i don’t feel it on my part because i email, call, try to make plans, but often have no response, or get flaked on.
i am really trying to become more focused on myself and making myself happy. However I feel that the best parts of life are even better when you can share them with special people. i am starting to feel like maybe i am not really that special to people or that i put too much into how i care for others and set myself up for disappointment, and then am very understanding of where each person is coming from – which in my mind excuses them from hurting me but still leaves an open wound and guilty feelings about said wound.
so, i am posting this to bees who like to read the posts on the boards and maybe reach out to someone experiencing something similar as i am trying to deal with my sense of lonliness and such. at the very least i am really seeing how important it is for me to do what is best for me and my family – my fiance and myself and our dog (and future children). i hope i can learn to put that in action and be less inclined to put other people before myself, even in both of our immediate families. i will try to take solice in the fact that i am so lucky to even have my family unit and the special journey we are starting together.
please tell me, have you felt the same way?