(Closed) what can i say? to empathetic brides…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sorry you are sad 🙁 I would be sad too if my friends couldn’t make it.  Most of my friends have said that they will try to come, but I won’t really know until the RSVPs and I know that most of them really wont (my HS friends live across the country and just graduated college, and I know they have had trouble finding jobs so I don’t expect them to be able to pay to come but it makes me really sad because we have drifted but they meant a lot to me and I haven’t seen them in 4 years)

I think you are allowed to feel sad, but did the right thing coming to the hive to talk about it so that your friends don’t feel you are upset with them.

And don’t you think it will mean a lot to your families to have the wedding?  I know we are doing it mostly for the families, and aren’t inviting too many friends because we are both like you in that we just have a small group of close friends.

And hey, you never know.  Once your wedding gets closer cirucumstances might change a lot.  Just keep your chin up an have hope!


Post # 5
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I absolutely, totally understand. A lot of my friends have simply vanished from my life, even from the time that I started dating Fiance. I deleted two of my bridesmaids from my Facebook because I was so fed up with them, and they didn’t notice for 3 or 4 months. I was actually thinking about a former very close friend earlier today, and how she just cut me out of her life for no reason, and after her, everyone who knew us did the same thing.

I email, I text, I call. I rarely get responses from anyone except a couple of people. Then they come storming back into my life, saying they miss me, and they want to catch up, and then they vanish again.

One of my BMs had a terrible break up and I understood her withdrawing from everything the way she did. I never begrudged her that, because what she went through was awful. He is in the Army and cheated on her with up to 40 girls at EACH base he was at. She found out while he was in Afghanistan and dumped him, and now she is the bad guy, because he is a soldier. I understood her not wanting to talk about it or be around people. But, when  she met her current boyfriend, she completely just dropped everyone, and now, will only speak to us when she’s trying to recruit us for some “business” she does. I got tired of her only wanting to meet for coffee to try to wrangle me in to showing up at some meeting to sign up.

The other Bridesmaid or Best Man I deleted just stopped talking to me out of nowhere, bought a house, moved, had a housewarming party, and NEVER told me. The night of her housewarming party, I deleted her. I even reached out to her a couple of times previously and she ignored me. Now she wants to catch up.

I lost a lot of my friends when Fiance and I started dating. When I see them now, they try to act normal, but there is still a sting that I can’t get past, because they WERE my best friends. Then, because I wasn’t single and always available anymore, I got dropped and told it was my fault. They could all be in relationships, but I always had to be alone.

It’s maddening and frustrating. I don’t really have anyone special to share anything with, except my Fiance. I understand my friends who work a lot, because I do, too. But I can’t understand the people that will try for everyone else, but never me, no matter what I do.


Post # 6
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think this is normal. Weddings bring out alot of emotions. Obviously you ahve plently of people who love you…your just having a low moment.

My oldest friend told me she wont’ be at my wedding too. She has been suffering from a mental illness for the last two years but finally just got stable and on meds and she said she just wants to go visit her family in her home country and take some time to start feeling better about herself, because she lost her house, job..everything. Even though she’s perfectly heatlhy now…it would be selfish of me to want her to put her needs on hold for my wedding.

Having a child is something most of us take for granted. She obviously felt in her heart she had to keep trying no matter what. Ofcourse she will be missed at your wedding. Friends are so hard to come by. I think lots of women have trouble keeping more than a handful of friends! I know my list is pretty short.

Hope you feel better soon.

Post # 7
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just wanted to add to the other bees and say that you’re not alone in that experience or in feeling this way, but it’s good that you know that it isn’t something to hold against her. My good friend had to drop out for the same reason (pregnancy, not IVF) but I am thrilled and bummed at the same time. I only see her once a year, and I was SO looking forward to her being there. But, I will be happy for her, I will know that she would have loved to be there, and I will squish the cheeks of her cute baby and see that life has different stages for everyone, and sometimes they don’t always line up the best.

*hugs* You’re not alone in how you feel, and I totally think you’re handling it well. 

Post # 10
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@mojitolove: The Bridesmaid or Best Man with the house lives only a few miles from me, and I go right by her on my way to work, every day. I should mention, these people popped back up when they found out I was pregnant. I’m also a nurturer, and they got used to me being there to fix things, and being able to screw me over. One friend trashed my bank account and threw a fit when I asked for the infomation to cancel what he had purchased and refused to speak to me for months, but had to stop and tell me he was amazed when my Fiance jumped in and stood up for me, and that he wished he had someone like that. But it was still wrong of me to have a SO (at that time) who would do that.

And I get the family thing, too. Whenever I want to talk about the wedding, or the baby, or even the day I’ve had, I get called spoiled, and a brat, and selfish. Most discussions about my wedding turn in to fights. I’m always “too unrealistic”.

But you’re right, there’s definitely hope : )

Post # 11
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mojitolove: Exactly. I had a bit of a pout for a few days (and that’s fine, she’s like 2k miles away and didn’t know). I cried when we got off the phone. But once I dealt with how I was feeling vs what I could do about the situation (nothing), I learned to accept it and then to be happy for her. It’s a process. Make sure you go through all the steps and let yourself get there when you feel like it. 

Post # 15
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

All these responses sound like my life! Granted, when you are younger you’re still holding on to friends from HS/college. Now it seems that since I am obviously 33 and decrepit that friends are dropping like flies.

Facebook makes you crazy. Why does she/he respond to her/him and not me?!? GAHHHH

I started out with one Maid/Matron of Honor (sister who lives 900 miles away), 4 BMs. And Now I think I’m just down to the Maid/Matron of Honor. One Bridesmaid or Best Man is a high school friend who, after I asked her, she has never spoken of it again. I call, text, fb. Nothing. Then she will text me random things like who she saw when she was grocery shopping…out of the blue…what?! Finally I text her the other day that we are doing a Destination Wedding. She says “cheaper!!” and then complained about moving. OK.

Bridesmaid or Best Man2 is a friend who I call my BFF (yes, I can say that and be 33) and I understand she is busy, retail management, two kids, husband, sole bread winner. She asks about dresses, that’s it. Mentioned a bachelorette party once. Now says she will come to our Destination Wedding if she can afford it. Now I feel bad. UGH.

Bridesmaid or Best Man 3 is much younger than us, 24, carefree, works some part time jobs, parties…she is a thoughtful friend but not dependable. She says she’s coming to our Destination Wedding. Then asked if I am “still having bridesmaids?!” yes! geez.

Bridesmaid or Best Man 4 is HIS Bff. She’s been the only one who asks about dresses, when can we look, totally cool and easy going. We’ve only met twice.

I made a “group” page on FB about our wedding at their request. I post things and they naysay. Yes, Destination Wedding is the answer.

I understand we are all at different stages in our lives. I just thought that since this is my ONLY wedding people would be a little more excited.

Blah. I’M GOING TO THE BEACH! <—with Mr. and my kid and dog. That’s what I’m looking forward to.

Post # 16
7 posts
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oh gosh guys. i can relate to soo much of all of your posts. 

I’ll try to keep this short.

One friend has given Fiance an attitude from the begining of meeting him. but she says shes truly happy for me and she said she isnt just saying that to be nice. But still I wonder if she thinks Im gonna ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man…um probly not, unless a major attitude change.

One other good friend is currently prego and has terrible morning sickness, like she did throughout all 3 trimesters of her first pregnancy. Even tho her baby will be born a few months before our proposed wedding, she wont be able to make any dress appointments or help me plan with a toddler and constantly puking.

My family drama is out of this world!!! My dads side of the family cousins and I have only been facebook friends for a few months. Most if not all of his side of the family dislike us after my dad suffered from Alzheimers towards the end of his life and we decided to have him live in an apartment with 24 hr nurse care. They all thought that was horrendous but they didnt have to live with the effects of Alzheimers. Then after he passed away we (my mom, brother and I) have been in litigation over the estate since 2008.

Now most recently my mom stopped talking to my brother and I due to responisbilities and obligations of the estate that him and I share. Mom is, of course, talking to her side of the family about the reasons why i’m such a ‘bad person’. And I hope they dont decline to come to the wedding.

I do have one great friend that I am planning on asking to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and I may stick with just her and fiancee’s best friend as wedding party. If I want a second Bridesmaid or Best Man, at this point I dont know who to ask. My bro has a serious gf but my wedding is not her style and I think she would do it because I asked, not because she would love to. FI’s family loves me and is supportive but live paycheck to paycheck.

And now after reading everything here I feel like I should NOT invite friends from college in place of the recent friends I have made. The college friends are great, but we all live far away, everyone is strapped for cash and starting thier own lives.
The new friends are super supportive, near-by, and most are already established in their lives as stay at home moms.

Thats my rant (sorry if it was rude to add my issues to the mix. Sometimes it can come across as stealing the thunder when I’m just trying to relate with my experiences.)

But here is my solution. I read on another weddingbee post that a girl is doing ‘Bridal Backstage Passes’ instead of BM’s. that way the special people can come in the room and be excited and help you get ready without having the actual commitment of Bridesmaid or Best Man. I dont care personally about a shower or bachelor party. (altho i say that now, but will i regret it later??)

I can still have my Maid/Matron of Honor and hope that the friends that I really want there are honored enough to make it to my wedding.

Even though I’m mainly ranting, any others opinions will be thoughtfully read.
thanks for listening.



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