Post # 1
Sort of a side comment related to the "living together first" posts.
I remember once reading a blurp about a study (don’t have the source) that said that couples who lived together before marriage had a higher divorce rater than couples who didn’t. My thoughts on this are that possibly when two people get married, you expect something to change and for it to be a big deal. If you lived separatley and then move in together after the marriage, then your whole life does change. But if you are already living together, maybe you are let down by the fact that after you are married, things stay pretty much the same as they were.
What are your thoughts on this? And for those of you already married, what, if anything changed for you?
(I live with my Fiance already, and I hope things don’t change much when we get married, we love our life!)
Post # 3
Being a psyc major really opened my eyes to how research can be used to support just about anything. From what I’ve read, (on the whole) there is a higher rate of divorce for couples who live together before marriage, but it must be taken into consideration that couples that are open to living together already have more liberal values ("liberal" being used as a broad term and not in a political way) (or they wouldn’t be living together) therefore, it is those liberal values that allow them to divorce more easily when they are no longer happy with the relationship. It has less to do with your living status before marriage and more to do with your conservative/liberal values. Also, when you compare couples who are engaged when they move in together or become engaged soon there after to couples that do not live together before marriage then the divorce rates are similar. (Also note that this comes from research I read in college and I’ve totally slept since then, so I won’t be able to pull up citations.)
My DH and I have been married for just over 2 months and it has been wonderful. We lived together for 9 months prior to the wedding and it hasn’t changed at all. I’m very thankful for that because I loved it so much before. It’s been nice to have some freetime that hasn’t been sucked up by wedding preparations!
Good luck to you! I hope it doesn’t change at all! 🙂
Post # 4
Interesting take on the liberal/conservative thing. That makes a lot of sense.
Post # 5
Interesting topic. I too am currently living with my Fiance. We’ve been living together for almost 2 years… and we love our lives, too! 🙂
I can see how bonniebelle101’s statement makes a lot of sense. Since being opposed to living together before marriage is a more traditional value, maybe it relates to the traditional value of staying together as well. It would be very interesting to somehow measure if those couples (who had not lived together before marriage and are still together) are truly "happy" in their marriages. Just because people don’t divorce does not mean that they are in a happy relationship. I’ve seen many an example of this, unfortunately.
I hope my Fiance and I continue to have a strong and happy relationship after our marriage officially begins despite our co-habitation. Thanks for the food for thought!
Post # 6
I also hope things don’t change after we get married. I absolutely LOVE the life we have. We lived together for 6 months in a rental and then bought a house together a bit over a year ago. But I can definitely see how people expect things to change and could be very disappointed. The liberal/conservative thing is VERY interesting, thanks for sharing that
Post # 7
Agreed on the liberal/conservative thing. Also agreed on the "happiness" thing – I know plenty of conservative couples who will never divorce but are absolutely miserable together. (I know plenty who are really happy, too!)
I’ve been wondering a lot about this lately, myself. I’ve started to think I don’t really want anything to change post-ceremony. We’re engaged, we live together, neither of us is going anywhere – I already feel like I’m married to him. I guess we’ll just be a few thousand dollars poorer. : )
Post # 8
We are moving in together about six weeks before the wedding – Fiance and his two kids moving into my house. I’m not against living togethe before marriage – I’ve done it – but I think having the kids changes the issue. There was no way I would have considered having them all move in with me before we were engaged – what if it doesn’ work? Then you’ve just messed with the lives of two extra people! We’re doing it now because it’s a good time to put his house on the market, and because it took some time to get ready for the move. Plus, I think that having three more people living in my house is going to be the most stressful part of the whole thing. From that perspective, it will be nice to have a few weeks for things to settle down before the wedding.
Post # 9
I totally agree with the "happiness" aspect of things. I’d love to see some research on that. ::mental note, write this down as possible masters thesis topic!::
Post # 10
Well I lived with my husband for 5 months and then for almost a year before we got married (had to deal with long distance in between). Our life hasn’t changed.
I appreciate the fact that I knew what I was getting into before we got married, that we learned how to deal with each other on a daily basis with all the house chores and everything else and knew that we could work out with each other that way.
It actually got better for us, but that’s because I didn’t have the stress of having to be away from him without knowing when we could be together anymore. I knew we could just be happy together and our life has been so much easier since.
We talked about it, and the one difference I felt is a feeling of commitment. Somehow since we are married I feel that the commitment is so much stronger, it’s some sort of deep feeling that I can’t really explain. A sense of love security I guess. And yet at the same time, the feeling that because it feels stronger I have to be even more careful not to get used to things and continue to make efforts and have him do the same. I don’t know if it makes any sense, I have a hard time explaining it but that’s the only difference.
Well unless you count the fact that instead of asking us when we’ll get married now his family asks when we’ll start having children
Post # 11
I had heard a spin on that same type of research. I read something about there being a very high divorce rate for people who move in together to delay marriage (committment phobia, or whatever) and then end up getting married because they’re supposed to. Of course, if the survey says "Did you live together?" and "Are you now divorced?" it doesn’t really get into details.
Oh, and we did live together before getting hitched. So far, so good!
Post # 12
I second you on the baby thing MrsFroggy! We actually got a baby blanket for a wedding gift from a friends parents. Ummm…. hint maybe? I think so!
And I feel you on the long distance thing. It’s amazing how that can make you so much more appreciative. DH was military and we spent a year apart, 8 months of that he was on a carrier and we had limited communication. I’m so much more appreciative of the time we have together now even though he’s been out for a few months now. People would act all sympathetic when they would find out we weren’t going to be able to take a honeymoon. I always said that the last 9 months (since he had gotten back from deployment) was better than any honeymoon I could ever ask for. I was just thankful to have him in the same place as me! As hard as the military thing was, I wouldn’t trade it for the world because of that. And you’re right. I’ve found myself working harder after the wedding to make sure I’m being a good partner. He’s such a wonderful husband, I keep checking to make sure I’m being a wonderful wife to him as well!
Post # 13
Things don’t change after the license is signed. I was married once before. I moved in 2 months before the wedding due to my apt not letting me go month to month on my lease. We were very young and not ready. I think I thought that being "married" would mean we were grown ups and could handle all life had to throw at us. That didn’t happen. We were still as young and unprepared afterwards as we were before we were married. Babies didn’t help the equation either. All of the problems we had before we were married and the babies came we had after we were married.
This time I’m more mature as is my Fiance. I moved in after we were engaged, but months before our wedding next month. He is so laid back and has an incredible calming affect on me. I know every night I go to bed that he is "the one".
I don’t think that living or not living together has anything to do with the success of the marriage. I think the success of the marriage has EVERYTHING to do with the two parties involved and how they choose to face the challenges of life. If you choose to fully commit yourself to the person you are marrying, you fully commit to making that person the most important person in your life and they do the same, and you choose to face life’s challenges together as equals, i think your marriage will be successful. If you never fully commit to that person, nor they to you, or you choose to harbor personal agendas outside the commitment, your marriage will be not be successful. When you decide to do your address change has nothing to do with it.
Post # 14
I got married nearly 3 months ago and everything about our relationship has changed. We are both in our mid 30s, dated each other for 2 years and rarely had a disagreement much less a fight. Everything changed once we got married and moved in together into a new house. I feel as though we are just not nice to each other anymore. My family and friends live over 50 miles away. I miss them. His family and friends are close by and always around. I am starting to resent them and my husband. I’ve felt moments of regret since getting married. Not that my single life was so grand but I had peace and balance. I had my own life and he was part of it. I had control over my decisions and thoughts. Now it’s a joint effort. Everything is a joint effort. We both feel the stress of too much change too soon. New marriage, new house, new in-laws, new location, new job etc. I am committed to making it work since this is the man I love and adore(d). I honestly can’t say I would do it all over again if I had the chance. Life was pretty good before we complicated things.