Post # 1
Hi bees! I’ve just been lurking for the last few weeks but again I find myself here for advice.
As many of you know (from previous posts), my Fiance and I have had some issues in the past that we have been attempting to work through.
We’ve seen a counselor twice so far. I thought the conversations with him were thought-provoking and pushed us both to confront negative behaviors and habits we brought to the relationship. Apparently Fiance does not feel the same.
A few weekends back we had a half day blowout that started over something silly and ended up being a rerun of every fight we’ve had in this rough patch- mostly due to me being unable to “forgive and forget” as quickly as he would like. Long story short, FI’s brother was brought in as a mediator and basically gave the succinct advice that I needed to work on not holding grudges and Fiance needed to work on his temper (FI’s brother suggested he “get help on his own”).
Things were status quo for awhile but I’ve found that I’m unable to just jump back in. It’s like I was disillusioned and now I’m not sure whether this is a phase or if I have “fallen out of love” (sorry for sounding so cliche). I don’t want to waste FI’s time or my own- I truly want to work together to see what the best outcome is for the both of us whether that is together or separate.
Today I told Fiance I attempted to make another appointment with the therapist and he got upset saying that he “didn’t think that was beneficial”, and that he felt that “we just went so I could build evidence on how he’s a shitty person.”
During previous discussions I have told him maybe we should spend time apart so we can truly think things through on our own. I’ve offered/asked to go stay with my family for a few days- he was not happy with this (said my family would “convince me to leave”- which could not be further from the truth) so I offered to instead stay at a hotel. He convinced me not to.
Now I feel as if there is no way for me to positively let out or consider my emotions. I’m stuck in my own head. I think I may look into seeing a therapist alone. I’m not sure what I’m looking for with those post but I know you ladies always know just what to say. Should I see a therapist individually? Should I keep trying?
Post # 2
I’m going to say the same thing that other Bees said in the last thread you made about your relationship: you’ve asked our advice before, and we’ve told you the same thing at least 3 or 4 times. Your relationship is dysfunctional, and I think it is beyond repair. Move on. Tell him to move on. Get some therapy without him. And after you’re in a better place, then find someone new, someone who is not dysfunctional, to have a not dysfunctional relationship with. You’re making this way harder than it should be. At this point I’m not sure that you just don’t thrive on drama and dysfunction, but since you’re asking our advice (again!), I will say that it is 100% absolutely not how I would live.
Post # 3
I think you should absolutely go talk to someone by yourself, it will help you figure out what you want. It will help you advocate for yourself and see the situation with new eyes. However, you cannot save this relationship alone. If he isn’t willing to work on things, too, I’m afraid there isn’t much hope for things to magically improve. I’m sorry, bee.
Post # 4
Sounds like your Fiance doesn’t want to put the effort in, whereas you’re willing to work on it. Go to therapy alone and figure out what your feelings are, but I’d put the breaks on your wedding until you both work this out. If your Fiance isn’t willing to work on his issues… well, his temper isn’t going to fix itself and will probably only get worse over time. At that point I would seriously reconsider whether this relationship is worth committing to for the rest of your life.
Post # 5
Sweetie, it should NEVER be this hard…
Post # 6
It sounds as if perhaps you both need to see a therapist alone and work through your emotions before coming together for a joint session. Sometimes, we need time to find the words to express ourselves and what we are feeling. When your relationship is at a pivotal point, it isn’t necessarily the best idea to try and find those words together because a slip-up or wrong interpertation can cause more damage.
Sometimes when I need alone time I will try going to the gym or library to breaka away for awhile and get my thoughts together. If you do end up spending time alone, put a deadline on it so you’re not forcing one person to step forward.
Good luck, bee. I’ve been here before and it can be very hard. Sending you lots of good thoughts.
Post # 7
You need to leave this relationship. I know its hard, I know. But at this point you know, somwhere deep down inside, that it’s time to call it. This is no way to live your life.
Post # 8
If he genuinely feels that therapy is about you building evidence on how he’s shitty person… why is he with you? It sounds to me like he is unwilling or unable to confront his own issues or deal with the possibility of change, and if that’s the case, then I think it’s time for both of you to move on.
Post # 9
Definitely see a therapist alone. But just as important, please do some soul searching about what YOU really want. I’d write it down…all the qualities you want in a relationship and a significant other. You have to do this WITHOUT your Fiance in mind. If he lines up with what you’ve written…great. Proceed (with caution). If not, you may want to consider taking a break. I usually like to simplify things so here goes (and I mean no offense): if it is this hard now, what will it be like when you are married? Are these “issues” indicative of a dynamic between you that doesn’t work? I tend to think in terms of: when something is right, it need not be forced so much (or really at all). Square peg, round hole…doesn’t fit well without a serious departure from the original (and perfectly fine) shape.
I think when you focus on putting the oxygen mask on yourself first (i.e. what makes you happy and whole), the answers tend to fall into place a bit more easily. For now, it may be best to focus on you and what you want rather than HIM and the RELATIONSHIP. First thing’s first.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE
What’s next is for you to DUMP his sorry butt and find someone who is willing to WORK on your relationship, or someone with whom a relationship wouldn’t require so much work at all!
Post # 11
I can’t fathom your being engaged to marry someone with whom you need couples counseling because you can’t get along. Really, why bother? You’ve started several threads, all of which have to do with problems in the relationship. Maybe you should go back and read them.
Post # 12
Marriage is hard enough even when two people are on the same page as each other. It doesn’t seem like you two are in sync at all. He shouldn’t be threatened by you spending time with family (!) and that’s pretty controlling behavior on his part. I doubt you will get a single post on here telling you to stay with him, and that should tell you something.
Post # 13
If being engaged is this hard, what the #%!? is marriage going to be like for you two? Think about that.
I agree with PPs that you should try individual therapy for yourself before you make any more long-term (i.e. wedding) plans with your Fiance. Think about what you really want in a partner, and what you’d like to be able to give to a partner. And ask yourself honestly whether you want to be in this relationship for the rest of your life.
Post # 14
I’m going to be blunt here and I don’t want to be mean. When I was 28 I walked down the aisle with the love of my life. I was 100% certain he was the man for me. We started a family and then the hard times hit..death of our parents, he started his MBA, working out of town a lot, I was working FT…then the affairs started, the fighting and we split after being together for a total of 15 years. We had a storybook romance until the rigors of life pulled us apart, the nail in the coffin being the death of both his parents within 18 months.
I tell you this story, one I’ve never told on here with such detail, because what you’re going through now before marriage is nothing like how it’ll be when you’re married. If it’s this hard and you can’t even make it through a week without a huge fight marriage isnt going to make any of this easier. It shouldn’t be that hard.
You say you are asking for advice but don’t really want the advice even though everyone says the same thing.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2017 - Not sure
What you need to do is what you already wanted to do- take time away from him and give yourself time to think and some air to breath. Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Ask yourself, do you really want to continue with this man or has it just gotten too unbearable? That’s what you need to do… But if he’s not willing to change and he’s the problem, then you can’t make him change. If he refuses to continue to seek counseling, he’s just going to continue to be stubborn. It’s rough to walk away. I’ve walked away from an engagement before. It’s tough. But you’ll get through it and find the right one for you. I’m not suggesting or insisting like a lot of others are doing here, that you leave him. You just have to be honest with yourself. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time 😩