(Closed) What did I just find?

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow that’s definetly a big discovery.  I think you just need to be honest with him about the fact that you found it (especially since he has never had problems before it’s not like you are going to make him nervous).

Post # 4
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ditto @MissAsB – you need to talk to him. I’m thinking part of him wanted you to find it, but is maybe ashamed. Talk to him!

Post # 5
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Oh you poor thing. But please try not to be embarrassed. You guys are going to run into big topics like this, and now that you are married, the Too Much Information zone is kind of gone.

Clearly, he has mixed feelings, seeing as it was somewhat hidden. Maybe he’s embarrassed? Maybe he’s afraid the problem may return someday? Either way, you care about him and he cares about you, so talk to him about it gently, lovingly and without judgement. Good luck dear!

Post # 6
Member
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I second @gemstone 100%

Don’t feel upset…he is probably just unsure of how he feels and how you will react. Be the support and strength for him as you listen and help work it out as a couple. 

Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Maybe he forgot it was there or maybe it was for a friend???

Post # 9
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Please talk to him. Give him a chance to explain himself, show that you care enough to initiate the conversation and that you’re genuinely open to conversation about the touchy subjects, and that you’ll be supportive through difficult issues. 

Post # 10
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Yes, I agree with lily. Show him that you care by breaching a difficult issue. This shouldn’t be a “him” thing…it should be something that you both address and understand so that you can be open about even the tough stuff. You can do it. And he will love you that much more for knowing that you accept and love him for him.

Post # 11
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i agree with the other posters. just talk to hime about it. i know it may be embarrasing but its the best thing to do in this situation. good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Woah, I would most definitely be embarrassed if something like that was brought up in conversation!  Especially since it hasn’t been an issue for you guys, I would be very careful about bringing it up.

If he wants to talk about it, he can always bring it up himself… I can’t think of any guy who would welcome his sexual partner bringing the topic up!  But ymmv… that’s just my personal sense.

Now if there *were* ED issues, then definitely – communication is key.  But since it sounds like there aren’t…  I’d let him bring it up if he wants!

Post # 13
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Hmmm, interesting counter-opinion, mrbee! It’s nice hearing the other side!

I think the problem, now, is that she has found it. She knows. It’s the whole “you can never un-learn something once you’ve learned it” thing. It’s going to be weighing on her mind, which may, in turn, affect their relationship. So by virtue of that, I still tend to think that you should try to talk about it.

 

Post # 14
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

If I had to choose between having something weigh on my mind, and potentially embarrassing my partner… I would personally choose the former.  I have no idea how the psychology of ED works, but I wouldn’t want to risk it.

Anyway, don’t take my opinion: ask any guys you know how they’d want things handled if:

1) They possibly had some ED issues in the past with an ex.

2) They left some literature in a drawer.

3) And they then started seeing a new lover with whom there were no ED issues.

4) That new partner found that ED literature in a drawer.

Not in a million years would I want the old ED issues brought up, especially if it wasn’t a problem now.

But that’s just my take – maybe I am in a minority.  But I hear girls joke about men’s sexual abilities/potency all the time, and I can guarantee you… guys don’t generally find that stuff funny.  It’s like recently, my wife and her friend were joking about baby circumcision.  I wasn’t laughing – I was too busy wincing in sympathy! 🙂

I’d definitely be curious if any bees out there asked their SOs and FIs how they’d want things handled in the scenario above… and reported back!

Post # 15
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Thanks for the insight mrbee. I think we have the same intentions — neither of us wants this discovery to come between the OP and her husband, no matter how it’s handled. 🙂

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