Post # 1
So my Mom feels “left out” of my wedding. She feels that my Dad is getting all of the “honor” of the day–he is walking me down the aisle, giving a toast and doing a father-daughter dance. My mom has a reputation for not always being . . . entirely appropriate . . . when speaking in public so I would prefer that the solution not be a toast or other type of public speaking (the last time she spoke about me in public, at my college graduation she told a story about me being mean to my little brother when I was 3). We already assigned all of the roles for the ceremony and I do not want her to walk me down the aisle with my dad because we don’t really get along. Finally, I would describe my mom as a very strong atheist to a blessing is not really an option.
What did you ask your mom to do? How did you make her feel involved?
Post # 3
My mom is feeling the same way (sort of). So, I am going to ask the she be one of the witnesses for our marriage certificate. I know it isn’t much, but I think she will feel honored.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Are you my sister? 🙂 Sadly, my mom also felt left out… she can be really inappropriate sometimes so we didn’t plan for her to give a speech, but she did anyway (a terrifying moment, but she managed not to say anything *too* embarrassing, which was a first for her). I think I might let her give a toast with the caveat that you get to pre-approve the speech.
We were at a loss, otherwise. I was going to make her a “Mother of the Bride” sign for her chair, but I ran out of time! I like DM’s idea of having her sign the marriage certificate.
Post # 5
have you tried involving her as much as possible in the planning? I think my mom feels the same way kind of because in her generation (at least for her), her mom planned the entire wedding. Literally. She got to pick her dress, the color of bm dresses, and got to invite 2 friends. Thats it. And now for me, I’m doing all the planning… somehow she got screwed out of planning!
I’m not really ready to just hand her the reigns and its hard anyways bc she lives 2 hrs away, but I try to keep her involved in what is going on, listen to (and seriously consider) her suggestions, and plan shopping excursions for when she can be around.
Post # 6
Hmm… What about arriving early to the reception site to welcome the guests?
Could she do a reading or something at the cerermony? That way you approve what she reads.
Post # 7
@ Spaniel: I’m still thinking about the toast, I know that she would like it, but once she has any alcohol in her, there’s no way to know what she might say.
@Corgi: my mom is not involved in planning, which is I’m sure part of the issue. However, when we first got engaged and I wanted to involve her she and my Dad sent me a check (which I definitely appreciate) and told me she didn’t want to be involved. I think she now regrets this but at this point the wedding is literally done (I’m taking the bar the same week as the wedding so I finished planning way early).
@caszos: I love the idea of greeter at the reception! No ceremony readings are available because we already gave them all out!
Post # 8
What a great thread – its a huge relief to know I’m not the only one going through this – I feel like you are describing my situation exactly! And @corgitales – my mom expressed the EXACT same frustration about her mother having planned her entire wedding (I don’t even think my Mom got to pick her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress colors or wedding dress!) so she expected to do the same with mine (which definitely hasn’t been the case.) She has done a lot of behind-the-scenes things like designing and making our invitations, but she’s feeling cheated out of the “glory” my Dad gets with his public role in the wedding.
Sorry, I know I didn’t give any helpful suggestions, but I feel you. And I’ll be following along for ideas!
Post # 9
That’s a tough situation. I let my mom pick the song she’d enter the ceremony to (from amongst choices I picked). She also wore a corsage (her idea, and she picked it out and also got them for our grandmothers). She liked that the corsage “honored” her and “identified” her. Maybe you could pick out a special outfit (which might help to avoid her wearing something inappropriate 🙂 too.
Post # 10
@VeronicaH: my mom has already picked out 2 special outfits (one for the ceremony and one for the reception) and I am with you on the corsages. I ended up getting her a posy of gardenias because she did not want a corsage, but I’m definitely getting her flowers!
Post # 11
Since every Mom is different, I can only go by what I felt about my daughters’ weddings. I was involved in all aspects from beginning to end by their choice, but on the days of their weddings,I was happy to blend in to the background. Everyone knew who I was, so I felt no need to make a toast or a speech or to accompany the brides down the aisle. That was something I’d never take away from their Dad!
My ‘job’ was to make sure they had what they wanted in terms of the total wedding day experience, that everything ran smoothly for them on their days, and to provide emotional support should they need it.
Everything goes by so quickly on a wedding day, I’m sure your Moms won’t even miss what they think they want or need to do.
Post # 12
We had a “flowers for the moms” ceremony in which we presented roses to each others mothers. My mom and my Mother-In-Law also got to pour our cups for the wine ceremony.
Post # 13
my mom didn’t really want to be involved, we’re not really people who like to be center of attention. she walked me down the aisle with my dad, b/c it’s jewish tradition, and they stood under the chuppah with me. my mom also said she didn’t want to be involved in the planning b/c it wasn’t her thing, but i still included her in some things which i know she loved doing. she helped me pick out my dress, shoes, and jewelry, and she came to my flower apt. we also brought all of our parents to see our venue before we signed for it. oh, and the biggest thing was favors, she helped me bake tons of cookies!
Post # 14
What if she said a non-religious blessing? There’s plenty of beautiful things you can say about love and committment that have nothing to do with god.
My mom is officiating, so I guess i’m not much help on the involvement idea front ;-). Good luck!
Post # 15
My mom and DH’s mom brought flowers to the altar at our wedding. It was a full Catholic Mass so we asked the mothers to present a bouquet of flowers to a statue of Mary. I don’t know if you have any part of the ceremony where your mom can participate but also keep it fairly limited (non-speaking?)
Good luck – I hope it doesn’t stress you out too much!
Post # 16
My mom and I have done most of the planning together so I think she feels involved in that way. It was her honor to host my shower and now she is helping me find musicians for the ceremony. On that actual day she will just be with me helping me get ready and won’t have a special role, but I have been asking her to help me with little tasks as the wedding gets closer to make her feel important but also give me a hand.
Is there any last minute things she can help you with? Maybe she will feel better if she can help bring the day together.