I am BLOWN AWAY by reading all of the thoughtful responses and am getting some great ideas of things I hadn’t previously considered! Going to just respond to some things that caught my eye.
Kate127 : I think the parent care is very good; that hadn’t occurred to me!
bridetobe2018 : I agree; a lot of people don’t actually discuss expectations for sex.
bridetobeonjune3 : College fund! Also an excellent point.. And I feel you on being frugal!!
nalastardust : Good point; even vacations can cause resentment if each person has different expectations of where to do or what activities to do. I know my boyfriend is NOT a lounge-at-the-beach sort of person at all!
monkey89 : Losing a job, that is definitely a good idea.. we’ve discussed how we’ll handle my loans (as we both have student loans) if I have trouble finding work where he is stationed in the future, since we can’t exactly pick the location (military).
theotherbride : Daycare and the estate planning are interesting additions; we are a little soon for the latter but definitely something to keep in mind at least!
20sparklingyears : Great to hear from someone with so much life experience! I agree with discussing how the household is taken care of; we are both very willing to pitch in and if financially possible we are fine with me working half time and taking charge of at least the interior for the most part. I have a feeling that, while he will pitch in, I will likely do somewhat more than him, so I think I’d just ask him to do what I don’t want to, haha. We do agree that we should both be pitching in to the relationship and household in a fair manner – whether that means equal work hours and equal household things, or one working less and therefore picking up the slack at home, as well as going over some chores we really do NOT like doing (he will be in charge of pest control we agreed). As for porn, we’ve already discussed that. Gift giving less so, but we both have an idea of each other. A good thing we could explore on though; we do differ a bit already. And the decorating! So true! While it was still on Netflix, we had begun watching Fixer Upper together and I really enjoyed the conversations it initiated between us and the opportunity to learn each other’s taste. Apparently he likes wood and brown. 😐 And he doesn’t care for the mint green they work into every house, while I think it’s great. Time for compromise and middle ground!
llevinso : Ooh I like the houseguests comment. There could easily be some people that one partner is not comfortable hosting, for whatever reason. My SO and my mother aren’t each other’s biggest fans but he has agreed that we would certainly invite my parents to come visit and stay with us, as I certainly welcome his family. It’s actually very important for us to have some sort of guest space, preferably a guest bedroom for visiting family and friends.
Also – great avatar. I’m a SW fan, myself.
theotherbride : That is a GOOD POINT. I sometimes find that I’m the one doing all the research and bring my findings to him, so occasionally I specifically ask for him to be in charge of something. Researching a book we could both benefit from. Planning everything for when I visited him last month. He’s very good at researching but if it’s not for the military then I have to remind him a few times to take care of it. Still, we absolutely make decisions together and it always makes me smile when he lays out something before me that came up in his life and says “what do you think?”
20sparklingyears : I do really agree that a LOT of men/boys just really have very little idea what all goes into a household! My younger brother was one of my roommates for a year in college and it was my fifth year in an apartment but his first – he really had no clue that handy things like clothes pins and utility scissors and ziploc bags and oven mitts didn’t supply themselves… Even now, he wants to buy a house but lives at home (big saver). He’s a a SMART and CLEVER guy but I’m curious to see how he handles all of the ‘domestic’ work of cleaning the interior as his bathroom at our parents’ house is pretty nasty…
Astra : I like the united front comment. I do feel a united front is very important as when you get married, you are agreeing to put your SPOUSE first. It may sound silly, but I run a forum with 2 other administrators and it drives me INSANE when one or both of them announce something to others before talking to me me or they contradict/disagree/correct something I say in front of general members. It’s not too often but is something that should really happen behind closed doors. I find that incredibly inappropriate and don’t want to be that way with my own spouse all the time! It’s a matter of trust, communication, respect, compromise, and more.
I do feel that some things are difficult or even impossible to really prepare for (like I don’t KNOW that I will truly be okay with moving every few years; of course that will be stressful and likely get old), but discussing what we can will hopefully help!