What discussions do you feel are important before getting engaged/married?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

wildflower3 :  Since you mentioned LDR, it just occured to me that I would highly recommend couples live together before planning on marriage. I’m from a very traditional background and my parents nearly died the first time I moved in with a man.

But boy do you learn things about yourself and about the other person that you really can’t get anywhere else. The day-to-day stuff can make you completely out of love with the person. Messiness for example, is something young couples take for granted when they visit each others’ homes for a few hours or an overnight, but all of sudden when you’re living in it, and the guy doesn’t shut the cabinets or throw away fruit peels when the garbage is literally a foot away.

One guy I dated had a very disgusting habit of constantly picking at his feet. Whenever he’d sit down, pick pick pick. And then he would just go on to doing whatever he normally does – eat food, etc. You’d think I’d figure this out sooner than later, but it took like a year

Post # 20
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

wildflower3 :  Haha thanks! My husband actually bought me this shirt for my birthday 😊

Yeah the houseguests thing…thats something I didn’t think about until just recently but thankfully my husband and I were on the same page. I’ve seen Bees on here before talk about their SO inviting in a houseguest without discussing it ahead of time or guests staying for weeks/months on end…no thanks! I like my space and privacy. So hubby and I are firmly in the “no guests staying longer than a long weekend” camp. 

Post # 21
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry if this has already been said, but TIMELINES! Where do you see yourself in a year? 3? 5? 10? 

Seems to be a maaaaaajor issue on here! 

Post # 23
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

We’ve been married 3 years and the one that really stood out when we were engaged was discussing and recognizing family backgrounds.  It’s amazing how much of who we are is shaped by our background and how we then have ingrained expectations because of it.  I’m talking both big things and small things….  

An example of a small thing, realizing that my husbands family left lights on when they leave a room and mine always turned them off.  Such a minor detail in life but until I understood it was just the way my husband was raised and I could recognize it and it didn’t bother me anymore

What we found is that it was just as important to know our own family backgrounds so we can understand why we react to situations in a certain way.  Sometimes we act out of character for how we would normally act and it turns out to be something we saw our parents do. Just recognizing that in ourselves allowed us to adapt better.  

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble… but hopefully you get the idea!

Post # 24
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

Division of labor is huge. It seems fairly often I hear about couples that functioned as an equal teams before marriage and after marriage traditional roles were expected by one party or another. 

That, money, and kids are the big three as far as I’m concerned!

Post # 25
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

There’s a book called 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married, which I found pretty helpful. Admittedly we did not get through all questions, but it’s good to get conversations started and covers even the smallest of things that are important, but you might not have thought of, and it helps you establish your priorities (for example, if your mother and spouse disagree on something, whose side do you take, etc.)

Post # 26
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

All of these mentioned are really good! Another I’d like to add is boundaries with in-laws and choosing each other first

Post # 27
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

Is divorce an option? If yes, under what circumstances?

Do you believe in counseling/mental health care/ psychiatric care? (some people will not go to counseling even if their relationship is near collapse. some people are highly resistant to accepting treatment for themselves even if they clearly need it. some people look down on a partner who seeks mental health care. If neither partner has experienced a need for counseling/mental health care during the relationship, attitudes about this very important subject may be hidden.) 

holidays: which do we celebrate? where do we go? do we trade off years (this year my fam, next year yours) or split the day (morning your fam, pm mine)? 

Post # 28
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

Keep it to the big things for now. For us, that is/was:

  • Family background
  • Finances
  • Career path
  • Place/city/moving
  • Kids and parents
  • Religion and traditions
  • Conflict negotiation

You have your whole life to discuss the small stuff, haha. Don’t overwhelm yourselves, you’ll figure it out as you go (are you REALLY not going to marry someone because they have a weird quirk or like different decorating colors than you?).

Post # 29
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

Haven’t read all the posts in depth but don’t think this has been mentioned yet…..I think it’s really important to discuss what if one of you is found to be infertile? And discuss your opinions on fertility treatment and adoption. I feel lucky that i found out I’m infertile very early on in our relationship, so my husband (then boyfriend!) and I have been able to discuss options for a long time and will feel really prepared when we want to start a family. 

Post # 30
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Timelines

kids- when,how to raise them and what if we can’t have them (we ve discussed adoption if that was the case for us), if one of you stays at home. 

Careers- we ve both already been through being unemployed together

Since we ve lived together over three years we ve already got the domestic stuff figured out. 

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