What do I do?

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Hostess
3346 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

DH’s father did this and his mother didn’t find out until he passed away.  There were a LOT of other things he was hiding, including mulitple affairs, hard drug use, etc.  Who knows what else was going on and the family had no idea.  I would run.

Post # 62
Member
2581 posts
Sugar bee

Christina Burmistrova :  Why didn’t you question your FI’s behaviour?

You seem to have lived the past seven years (and especially the past year) making excuses to yourself for every odd thing. 

For all you know your FI might have a wife somewhere or another girlfriend. I don’t know how likely this is but it would explain his secretiveness.

And now you are making excuses for yourself. You don’t have to be helpless, you know. 

You could:

Go to a woman’s refuge.

Rent or share an apartment like lots of young women your age do.

Live with your family and commute into work every day by car. A one-hour commute each way isn’t as long as a lot of people have to do. You are young and without dependants so you’ll cope.  If your car is only registered in one state then fill in the forms and register it in another state.

Book yourself some holiday time and go away for a few days to decide how you feel and what you want to do next.

Get him to show you the bank accounts so you can see where all his/your money is going. 

Get up right now and go out and join a sports club or go to a gym or meet a colleague from work.

Book yourself an appointment with a counsellor.

Or do ALL of them.

Good luck.

Post # 63
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

Does your fiance say he has a job? Do you know for sure if he has a job? He could be faking it. Don’t put anything past a pathological liar, they are capable of lying about anything.  I missed the part about the house being his mother’s and not his.  I don’t think you ever answered how they can not be close and live in the same house.  Also, you use boyfriend and fiance interchangably… how far along in planning are you? Have you booked a venue? Has he been involved in any planning at all? I would question if he really intended to have a wedding since he didnt even tell his family about the engagement.  

 

Post # 64
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Wow seven years is such a long time to lie about age, and that is a pretty big age difference, you are still young,  what would happen if you had children? didnt he realize you would eventually find this out? Have you spoken to him again? Im sorry your so hurt bee, but that is SUCH a major thing to lie about, he must have been hiding his license and all other documents from you for seven years, you need to leave bee, he had no issue lying to you for seven years, he may be lying about alot more.

Post # 66
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

You are refusing to leave because your car is registered in that state? You need to run. There is something just so wrong here. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. You’ll get married and find out even crazier lies (and lying about age for 10 years is pretty ridiculous). 

Post # 67
Member
2032 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Have you questioned him about the age lie? What does he say?

Post # 70
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Do you have a line? Is there anything that he could do that would make it easy to leave? If he hit you, would you leave or would you say “he apologized, it’s never happened before, he feels so bad that he cried, he bought me flowers to make up for it, I love him so much, I have nowhere else to go?”

If you don’t leave him now, at least figure out where your line is and make a pledge to leave the second he crosses that line. How about – if you find out one more thing he has lied about, leave.

I dated a man who lied to me about his age. I found out on his birthday when we got carded and the waitress said “happy 35th birthday” and I was like “uhhh you told me you’re 30”. I dumped him right there at the table on his birthday. But it was not his first lie, it was just the final straw. Had this been his only lie, I would have had the same hesitations as you (except not as strong because we were only dating under a year, not most of a decade).

I understand that it’s hard, but just think it over. Maybe you could just leave for a night, just to have a night away to think things over – go to a hotel, stay at a coworkers, sleep in your car – just one night. Or, Maybe visit your parents this weekend. Take one small step, and don’t worry about a leap of leaving forever just yet.

See how you feel when you are away from him and not relying on him for the moment.

Post # 71
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee

Christina Burmistrova :  Ummm…do you share a life together?

In seven years, you never knew how old he was.  And not only did you NOT know, he actively LIED about it.

Two months ago, you wrote that you had been engaged for two years, but somehow his mother and his sister WHOM HE LIVES WITH (and I guess you do, too) didn’t even know you were engaged and you’re supposed to be married in what…three months?

His family has zero interest in you, despite living 40 feet away (or do they have zero interest in you because he knows he’s lied and wants to keep distance to keep the lies hidden?).

You didn’t even know who owned the house that you both live in (do you not contribute to household finances, view any of the paperwork that comes in, or discuss whether your name would be added to the deed in three months when you were legally married?).

 

I’m sorry, but this doesn’t even sound like you were prepared to marry each other even without the lies.  All of this stuff is stuff that would have come up naturally throughout the course of merging your lives together and it sounds like he did a pretty good job at keeping you at arms length to avoid getting caught in his lies (because it probably isn’t just the one lie – lies are like mice, you might see one mouse in your home but that means there are probably dozens more in the walls). 

Post # 74
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Christina Burmistrova :  Seven years and you never saw his passport or his driver’s license?… this is kind of unbelievable. 

Post # 75
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Christina Burmistrova :  The first lie?! Seriously?! He’s lied to you for 7 years. In order to perpetuate this one huge lie, who even knows what else he’s lied about. 

No one is saying this should be easy but come on. This relationship is unhealthy and just crazy. 

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