What do I do???

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

First off, I think you should live on your own first before you move in with anyone. You’re young, you’ve never lived on your own and you’re going to move in with some guy who has kids…? No. You need to be by yourself first. You seem very immature and I feel like you would benefit from living on your own for a while.

I’d also like to say that I think you’re a bit young to resign yourself to being someone’s stepmother. I mean if you’re in love and he’s the one, by all means, but somehow I get the feeling that you two haven’t been together an overly long time. As a general rule, not always of course but most of the time, parents are very reasonable about relationships as long as they don’t think you’re rushing into something or making a mistake. You’ve given your parents a reason to worry and, in my opinion, as long as they’ve been good parents – supportive, they don’t take advantage of you, not abusive, etc – then you should probably listen to them or at least take their concerns into consideration. Remember they’ve been your age before and they know things you don’t. They can see things you can’t. 

Post # 17
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
ttu992 :  My advice is to move out on your own into your own place and continue to date your boyfriend. 26 is way too young to be a live in girlfriend and the step parent to 2 children, and way too old to still be living with your parents in my opinion. 

Good luck! 😋

 

Post # 18
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to be on the opposite side of the fence because I’m in a similar situation.

I’m 26, my boyfriend is 35 and has a 13-year-old – albeit, his son does not live in the same state so it is a BIT different from your situation.

But what I can say is that I didn’t live on my own until my boyfriend and I got our own place together. And guess what? It didn’t ruin me. I don’t agree with the ‘you need to be by yourself, on your own, etc. first’ theory, because it’s not always true. My boyfriend and I are incredibly happy, going to get married, etc. and I would never have wanted to not live with him before deciding that. I have no problems not having my own place by myself first. There was no need, FOR ME, to do that.

That said, you never stated if the children are actually in his custody full-time or not, which is a huge thing to consider. If he has them full time and you will essentially be a step-parent full time, as well, is that something you want? You have to be very committed to him and his children if so, because backing out becomes a very slippery slope once you involve children.

Your parents are right to be concerned, certainly. After all, you’re their child and they want to see yourself setting up for the future – but just because this man is older and has children, does NOT mean he can’t be your future.

The reality is that not everyone has a ‘clean slate’ relationship. Not everyone meets someone who is single, never divorced, never has kids, and then they date for 2 years and then get engaged, get married, and then have children of their own. That is NOT the way the world works anymore. Sometimes it happens for some people, but it isn’t the case for ALL people.

There’s nothing wrong with dating a man who has children. There’s nothing wrong with moving in with a man who has children. But you should evaluate your relationship on how serious it is. If you’re not willing to essentially become a family, and he isn’t either, then it might be best to not move in with him.

I think his custodial rights to the children will probably play a big role in your decision, so you should weigh them accordingly.

Good luck, Bee.

Post # 19
Member
7526 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think there are two things going on here.

1) You’re 26 and need to be able to stand up to your parents and make your own decisions. I am very close with my parents and they definitely know how to pressure me…so I get it. I was in a similar situation at age 30 (except I had already beeen living in my own apartment for nearly a decade by then), and they put massive pressure on me not to move in with my partner before the wedding because they didn’t believe it was right. Defying them was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – it’s a struggle that people who don’t have parents like this simply cannot understand – but it was worth it. My relationship with my parents recovered and they finally accepted that I’m an adult who will be making my own choices, not waiting for mommy & daddy’s approval. 

2) That being said…………..without knowing any of the particulars, on the surface, I have to say I share your parents concerns. You are 14 yrs younger than your bf and have never lived on your own before…you’re really going to go straight from your parents’ house into a stepmom situation, living with your 40 yr old bf and his two kids? Have you thought this through? I agree with pp that moving out into your own apartment for a year at least would be a good compromise and a way for you to get to know yourself as an adult and experience true independence. 

Post # 20
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Your parents sound incredibly manipulative – threatening to disown someone for moving in with their partner is never a good tactic, even if it’s a terribly unadvisable life choice. However, why are you living with your parents at 26 if you work full time? Do you have a disability or health complication that necessitates it? Is it a choice with a finite end goal (ex: you want to live there for 6 months while you apply for a really good apartment complex)? 

If it’s neither of the above, I wonder if your degree of enmeshment with your parents is a little unhealthy and codependent. You’re 26, not 16. You don’t need their permission to do ANYTHING, including relatively normal adult activities like sharing a home with your partner. 

 

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