What do I do?

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Aw girl so sorry to hear. You have so much going on and now this bomb has been dropped on you. Life can be so unfair. Don’t have any great advice but sending hugs and wishing you tons of strength during these difficult times. If he wants to leave then you have to let him. You might even find your life gets easier once he’s gone.

Post # 3
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

KatzeB :  Prayers and hugs to you, sweetie. You will get through this. I know how you feel right now, it feels like you will never ever feel better but I promise you will. Marriage and love should not have to be that hard. As PP said, if he wants to leave you have to let him leave. It sucks but that’s just the way it works. 

Post # 5
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

KatzeB :  I know what that is like to get into a codependent relationship. The only way to heal is to learn to be emotionally independent. I won’t just say “go make friends!” because that’s hard. The older you get, the harder it is to make friends for whatever reason. Power through with your therapist with trying to get through this and learn the lessons you’re supposed to learn. You will come out on top. 

Post # 6
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

KatzeB :  marriages that end in divorce weren’t always ”bad”or toxic. They become that way over time, people change, some things are out of your control. It’s his job to find himself- not yours. But you’ll have to respect his wishes and let him leave if he wants to. Best of luck.

Post # 8
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

KatzeB :  if he wants to leave today, tomorrow, this week, you’ll have to let him. You might want to fight til death for your marriage but he might not. Some people choose the path of least resistance and prefer to cut things off completely. You’ll have to respect his wishes. The more you push the more he will resent you. Agree with PP that hopefully therapy will help you heal yourself.

Post # 9
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

lifeisbeeutiful :  All of this. 

I don’t think it’s solely about your relationship, perhaps he has also expressed to his therapist a deep unhappiness with his new city, his new job. You’ve both been overwhelmed with so many changes. And some people not only adapt but thrive in their new surroundings, while others realize it’s not for them. I know a couple this happened to- she loved living in the big city, he ached for their hometown a few thousand miles away, neither were bad people they just couldn’t live with the same things and trying to make it work would only make one or both of them miserable, possibly resentful in the long run. 

And even though I think the new city and new job sound like part of his unhappiness, unfortunately he sounds as though he wants out of the relationship as well, otherwise he would have discussed the possibility of the two of you moving back home rather than drop a bombshell on you. I’m so sorry Bee. 

He seems to have his mind made up and so all you can do is try to heal and do what’s best for you. Are you happy with your job? In your new city? Or are you considering a move home as well? Continue with your therapy and practice self care. 

Post # 10
Member
6770 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Wow, you are dealing with so much right now Bee. Sending hugs. 

Post # 12
Member
8449 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have to sadly agree with ppps who say you can’t make him want to stay, no amount of love and determination on your part can make him feel the way you want him to. I do not doubt he loves you , but he has given up and wants to run. 

I think following him anywhere is not in your best interests, nor his for that matter , it is just that you feel desperate right now. If you were to do that, even supposing he ‘let’ you, l think your problems would go with you .

l have no advice really, except that l hope you can maintain some pride and self esteem here. This is not your failure, nor even his. It just hasn’t worked, l’m sorry.

KatzeB :  

Post # 13
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, let him go. I know that really sucks to hear and you wanna give it “one last try” but the fact is that you really shouldn’t have to even use the words “one last try” in a marriage. Also, sometimes two people don’t mesh in that they are not necessarily bad people separately but together they bring out things in each other that aren’t healthy. It might honestly be healthier to work on yourself and down the road find someone else when you are in a better mental place. Sometimes you attract what you are also feeling.

KatzeB :  

Post # 15
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

You write a lot about being his caretaker, about loving & worrying about him. How are you taking care of yourself these days?  What does or would your life look like without him?

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