(Closed) What Do I Do About His Mother?!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What Would You Do?
    Invite her to the wedding, she's his mother regardless : (14 votes)
    82 %
    Don't allow her to the wedding, there's too much hurt- move on and enjoy your special day : (2 votes)
    12 %
    Allow her to come to the ceremony only : (1 votes)
    6 %
    Allow her to come the the evening reception only : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I can sort of relate. My mother and I have a very tense relationship and have always had issues. A week before my wedding we got into a massive fight and I told her I didn’t want her at my wedding. I thought about that entire week, the exact same issues you are talking about. How would she act at my wedding? Would she create drama? Will I regret not having her there?

    I ended up talking to my sister about it and I decided to let her come but she wouldn’t really play a part in the day. There will always be a chance that we will fight again and I’ll have a little twinge of madness that she’s in my wedding photos but I knew there was a much bigger chance of her and I mending our broken relationship and being so sad that she wasn’t there. I knew for a fact, no matter where our relationship was, when she dies I knew I would be so sad that she wasn’t there.

    In the end, I’m glad I invited her. She was drunk and dancing all gross and slutty with her boyfriend but that’s the worst thing that happened.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    It’s his mother, his call.  He needs to think about how he’ll feel about those family photos in 10 years.  They sound like they have a very unhealthy relationship, and outside interference usually makes things worse.  I would absolutely not try and contact her or invite her unless he specifically says it’s ok.  It’s nice that you have sympathy for her situation, but this is one of those times where all you can do is tell him that you’ll support whatever decision he makes.

    Post # 5
    Member
    5271 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    You sound alot like me when we were planning our wedding. 

     

    Like you, my husband’s relationship with his mother was not a close one (which is why it was so weird that she acted crazy because they don’t even have a good relationship, but that is another story.) Anyway, things got so tense that my husband threatened that if his parents behavior did not change, that they would not be invited to the wedding. He did this on his own, I neither encourged or discouraged him to make that threat. After that conversation, his parents let up, and ultimately were invited to the wedding. 

     

    The best thing you can do as his spouse is support him, let him vent, and be on his side. But do not  say negative things about his parents, and do not make any decisions regarding his parents. This needs to be his decision 100%. This is something I learned through my ordeal, is that it only hurt his feelings more if I jumped on his negative parent bandwagon. I use to vent to him my fustations about his parents, and that just made the stress level on him worse. 

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    4518 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Invite her. She might not come, but at least you’ll know that you were always open and welcoming to her, regardless of her issues.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    It would probably be best to invite her with a contingency plan for her removal if she starts acting up.  However, it’s his decision to make and he needs to make it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    5271 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    @FL91:  It was a bit of going back and forth, his parents eventually got out of line and that is when he threatened to not invite them, and after that they were better so he felt comfortable that they wouldn’t make a scene at the wedding and did invite them. 

    Unfortunately at the wedding they did end up hurting his feelings because they wanted to leave the wedding an hour early and when they walked up to him to say that “they were taking off” he got quite upset that they wanted to leave their own son’s wedding an hour early (and it was only 9PM and they didn’t have anything to do the next day.) 

    BUT, even though they upset him at the wedding, he is still glad that they were there – he would of been much more hurt and quite frankly embarrassed if they weren’t there. I know your Fiance is going back and forth, but this is a decision that cannot be changed, so I do think he may regret not inviting his mother. However, what you can do is have another family member that is designated to keep an eye on her and if she starts to cause a scene, that person can escort her out of the wedding. Ironically, this happened at my Rehearsal Dinner and I had no clue. My Mother-In-Law got drunk and was acting kind of sloppy so my Father-In-Law actually stepped in and asked my Brother-In-Law to take her to the hotel. I, my husband, nor the guests even noticed. 

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