(Closed) What do I do about unhelpful wedding party?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Let’s start with the fact that the duties of a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man, in the absence of any advance agreement, consist solely of showing up on the day, wearing the clothes you selected.  It does not include helping with wedding planning, throwing parties for you, etc.  So if your Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man are not getting fitted for their dresses in time, you can tell them they won’t be part of the wedding party.  But if they just don’t want to talk about wedding stuff (once a week, or indeed at all), they don’t have to.

Post # 4
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If the Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor only need show up for the day, that is a distinct departure from the past. At one time, they were expected to help the bride with planning, as well as assist her with getting ready on the big day. As a 51 year old, I brought this topic up at a recent picnic and all the women in our age group agreed that was indeed how it was years ago. Then again, DOCs were for only the rich and famous back in those days. I was amazed by the lack f help I got from my wedding party “this time around” and truth be told it has changed my relationship with these women. One recently became engaged and called me to ask if I could help with the planning and I told her no and exactly why.

Post # 5
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am sorry that you are having difficulty. Could it be that since your wedding is still 8 months away that they are taking their time doing things? My BMs haven’t ordered dresses or anything. I still haven’t even gone dress shopping. That being said, it is your wedding so you obviously have your own personal timeline. Maybe they will get more involved and excited once you get closer to the date?

Post # 6
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

One Bridesmaid or Best Man and my Maid/Matron of Honor live pretty far from me, so naturally they are not able to assist, even if they want to. The other two have been pretty much out of it, other than coming to the bridal salon back in March to try on Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and the bridal shower. My family threw my shower. I could’ve used help with crafts/invitations, but Fiance helped me out with the invitations. Thank God for that, or else I wouldn’t have been able to mail out 93 invitations yesterday! I think it depends on the distance and relationship between a Bridesmaid or Best Man and bride, as to whether they will be more involved. My Maid/Matron of Honor is very supportive, and I talk to her all the time, but she can’t physically be here often unfortunately. My mom has been involved(more advice/suggestions than decision-making, thank goodness!), but for the majority of planning, it’s been Fiance and I. Maid/Matron of Honor is trying to plan the bachelorette, but it will probably end up being a sleepover at my place. It sucks because FI’s going to NYC, which I keep saying I’m going to tag along and go see some shows on Broadway with my MOH! Still haven’t ruled it out 😉

Post # 8
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I dont think untill you are a bride you fully understand how sensitive and important the role of a bridesmaid is.. mine are all dead beats and wish i picked more carefully or had none at all lol all I know is if I ever am in a wedding I will be front and center and as helpfull as possible like no one was for me ya just gotta laugh it off and vent on here lesson learned right?

Post # 9
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with 2nd Bride. I am so tired of the notion that bridal party= unpaid labor. You pick the people closest to you that you want to stand up there with you. You don’t pick people so you have indentured servants. If you need help planning the wedding or addressing the invitations, or arranging the flowers or whatever, you hire a professional and pay them. I don’t think you get to tell your married friend with a job and a child that this is now also one of her priorities.

That being said, if your only beef is that she is not following through with dress fittings, that is a legit concern because she does need the dress to be in the wedding. However, if she still has eight months, she still has time to do it. Maybe just remind her that she needs to have it done by a certain time, and if by then, she doesn’t have it, that’s an issue.

As for your other friend, it sounds like you call her once a week to talk about yourself and she’s annoyed by it. Do you express the same amount of interest in her life? If your just calling to blather about yourself and your wedding for like an hour, I don’t really blame her for no longer taking your calls. Take a step back and honestly appraise whether or not you’ve been self absorbed these last few months.

I have to say though, if this friend hasn’t instigated contact with you for over a year, I am puzzled as to why you would include her in your wedding in the first place.

Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with Tatum and 2dbride.  Why are your friends required to help you plan your wedding?  Maybe your fiance should be helping?  If you require more help than that, hire someone, or realize you’ve taken on too many projects for your wedding.

A measure of a good bridesmaid isn’t weather or not she’s willing to spend hours tying teeny tiny ribbons or making tissue paper poofs.  It’s weather or not she’s supportive of the marriage, which goes on a lot longer than the wedding day.

Post # 11
Member
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

“The Maid/Matron of Honor has 2 young children, works and is married.”

Put yourself in her shoes. You have to: a) take Kid A to doctor because he’s throwing up everywhere b) deal with Kid B’s aggression issues at daycare and meet with teachers c) handle that big project at work for the investors and d) go get fitted for a dress.

Which one’s going to get the shaft?

Your Maid/Matron of Honor is busy with her own life and isn’t able to help you out. Yes, it sucks. But since she’s your friend and a good enough friend to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, you can either get mad at her and not change anything about the situation except having HER be mad at YOU or you can find an alternative strategy, like asking fiance or mom or sis or Future Mother-In-Law to help you with things as a PP suggested. I recommend the second option.

Post # 12
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ok, I needed to get a new account because my password wouldn’t work, but I am xiner, I wrote this post. I guess I need to clarify a couple things since the last 3 posts seem to be targetted at me and how unreasonable I am being with my wedding party.

With regards to the unhelpful bridesmaid and the phone calls, she has never really been the type of person to make the calls, and I know that. We went to college together and are very close friends. I asked her over a year ago to be a bridesmaid  – i asked my bridesmaid very early. Since then, she has seemed to change a little bit, and it’s very hard to reach her. When it comes to me calling every week, I did that before I was engaged, we used to see eachother every day in school ,and I would call 1 time a week to catch up on eachother, not the wedding. We would talk about friends, work, family etc. Once I got engaged some of the topics were wedding but thats not why I called. So I wanted to clarify that. There’s a new boy in her life and she’s been ignoring me pretty much since.

When it comes to the Maid/Matron of Honor, yes she has 2 kids and work, but it is nothing like JennyW1 says – she works 1-2 hours in the evening, and is home all day with the kids. I don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask her to make a couple phone calls during the day when the girls are napping (those are the sort of things I have asked of her) and I have only asked these things after she offered to help, its not like I was expecting it, but since I have all these people offering to help me and then not doing anything it’s more work for me because I have to try to figure out what was done.

 

As for my Fiance helping me, he is… as much as he can. He is full time in school and is done 1 week before the wedding. My mom is helping me a lot. What bothers me is the lies that are coming from the girls and the pretend willingness to help

 

 

Post # 13
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2011

and Tatum,

Uppaid labor…really? Last time I checked, doing something nice for a friend isn’t unpaid labor, especially since I spent $200 and paid for their dresses so they didn’t need to worry about any of that.

Post # 14
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

i dnt call my BMs every week n i dnt xpect too much from them until we get closer to the time. not everyone wants to talk abt the wedding as much as the bride so i dnt talk constantly about it to them.. 

honestly the best way to get things done right is to do it urself, cos its ur dream day n ur the one hat cares the most abt. they should be helping u more altho am not sure wat u need from them exactly but since they arent, there isnt much u can do except let them know how u feel and maybe lower your expectations.  maybe callin your Bridesmaid or Best Man once every week is too much for her

Post # 15
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Bells,

I do agree with you, maybe it is too much to call that often, but like I said I am not calling about the wedding, I am calling to catch up and what not. I guess it’s hard when I have a very social personality. I need to back off a bit and maybe ask them all how much they want to be involved and go from there before just assuming.

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