Post # 1
I may be worrying about nothing but after a discussion with FMIL about the wedding a couple days ago, I’m worried she will refuse to pay for my 13-year-old SIL’s bm dress. FIs parents are not paying a dime towards the wedding as it is. His father made that clear 3 years ago when our parents first met and FMIL said the same on Christmas. While I didnt expect it by now, I would have appreciated at least an offer.
We are going to DB in January to look for the dress. I haven’t mentioned to her that we will need the deposit then, and I’m honestly a bit nervous to mention it. We are planning on helping pay for 2 of the bm dresses (for my friends who are a student and a new young mom), but when his parents aren’t helping to begin with, they can at least pay for their own daughters.
This is partly just venting, but am I really that selfish to ask my FMIL to pay $80 for a dress? At 13, she can surely get more use out of it for dances and such. (As much as I would hope my bms get more use out of their dresses, there is no practical second use once you’re out of school.)
Post # 3
If they refuse, you or FI should pay for it. Your main problem is that they didn’t contribute towards the wedding. You shouldn’t expect that and you should help FSIL as you’ve offered to help your other bms.
Post # 4
If they won’t pay, and you want her in the wedding, you pay.
I don’t see that they are obliged to contribute.
Post # 5
@MintTurquoise: Since she is a minor they are responsible for her dress. THEY are the parents.
Personally, do NOT let FMIL know you are paying for your friend’s dresses. She is their daughter; they need to pay for her.
I would call FMIL, remind her of the date that you are dress shopping, and mention as part of the convo that if a dress is chosen a deposit from her will need to be made that day.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
@LuvMySailor: Agreed. No 13-year old has $80 to spend on a dress, or the shoes, etc.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
@MintTurquoise: This entire post confuses me. If they said they’re not contributing, why would you expect them to pay for your SIL’s dress? You can always ask your FMIL anyway. “We know you’re not contributing to the wedding financially, but it would mean a lot to us if you would pay for ______’s BM dress.” But if she says no, I wouldn’t press it. You’re covering the other BM’s dresses anyway, so I don’t see why you shouldn’t also cover your SIL’s.
Post # 8
I agree with the fact that the parents are responsible for paying for a child’s wedding attire *if* they agreed to the child being in the wedding. Did you ask your FILs if she could be in the wedding? Or did you just ask your FSIL? I’m going to guess that you didn’t make it clear that they are responsible for their child’s wedding attire? If that wasn’t made clear, I think you’re going to have a tough time getting them to pay for it.
Also, if you’re paying for other people’s BM dresses, then I hope that the FILs don’t catch wind of it because they sound like the types to pitch a fit about having to pay for the child’s dress when you’re paying for the other dresses.
I hate to say it, but I have a feeling you’ll be paying for one more dress.
Post # 9
I’m in a similar situation, since 2 of my bridesmaids are my future SILs, and both are under the age of 21 (one is 16 and the other is a college student).
I’m going to have an honest conversation with my MIL on New Years about the cost of the dresses, but I fully intend to pay for both gowns if it means my future SILs will stand in our wedding party.
The reason I asked these girls is because I truly want them to be an important part of our day. I’d rather work overtime and pay for their dresses, than to lose them as a part of our bridal party.
Post # 10
I see no reason that you should pay for FSIL’s dress, just because you are helping with the other two. I do think it’s fair however to give FMIL a heads-up that the deposit will be due the day the order is places. That way if she is under any impression that the two of you will be paying for the dress, you can clear that up before you go shopping. I think you should ask the other two to keep your financial assistance confidential.
I also see no reason they all can’t wear the dress again. If you pick a style and fabric that doesn’t have “bridesmaid” stamped all over it, all 3 of them should be able to wear them to other parties, dances, dinner dates , weddings etc.
Post # 11
@MintTurquoise: Makes it kind of hard to NOT offer to help FSIL if you’re already helping others. I suppose you could always have your FI have a talk to FMIL- explain to her that in general, BM’s pay for thier own gear, so would they please be willing to pay for FSIL’s dress?
Is there a particular reason they aren’t paying for the wedding? Of course they aren’t required to- but is it because they are just not in a financial position to do si? Because they don’t want to? Because they don’t approve of your marriage?
I think that sort of comes into play.
Post # 12
@MintTurquoise: I think if you’ve asked the parents for FSIL to be a BM, and she is not earning money, it’s reasonable to expect the parents to pay. If they don’t pay, either you let her pick a dress of her own choice (if you don’t want to pay for the dress), or you pay for the dress.
Post # 13
If they don’t offer, I would just pay for the dress.
Post # 14
I don’t see what other option you have. If they don’t pay, and you really want her in the wedding, you pay for it. There’s really nothing else you can do other than cut her from the wedding.
Post # 15
What a conundrum. Your FILs explicitly told you they weren’t giving you a dime for the wedding. Just because you asked their adolescent daughter to be in your bridal party doesn’t negate that. I would be prepared to pay for the dress yourself if you want your FSIL to be flower girl.
Sux to say it.
Post # 16
You are the bride, and FSIL is junior BM, but in this case I really think you ought to let FI be the one to discuss all this with his parents. He can give them a head up if the expense is something that they need to anticipate and he can explain that in the US traditionally BMs cover the cost of a dress in their price range.
If they are not willing or able, either you can give the 13 year old some flexibility to wear something she and parents select, ideally something that will coordinate, you can pay, or you can allow her to step down. I hope you would cover the dress if it comes to that, especially since you are helping the others and it’s not the girl’s fault.
Are the FILs financially strapped?