Post # 17
i don’t think you’re selfish for asking them to pay, but like previous bees have said, if you really want them in the wedding, youmay just have to pay yourself. your in laws have already told you they aren’t willing to pay for anything, though, so iwould probably go in expecting them to say no.
Post # 18
Your Future In-Laws not contributing towards your wedding is very different than them not paying for their daughter’s dress for your wedding. They should pay for her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress- they’d have to pay for a dress for her to wear anyway.
Post # 19
Thanks for the input everyone.
Just to clarify a few things, the in-laws are all using the excuse of tradition to not help pay. Our families are not traditional in any sense, and I honestly think its just a cop-out to not have to contribute. I guess we will see if thats true or not when FIs younger sisters get married. I never expected them to help pay for the wedding to begin with, I would just appreciate the slightest offer or at least a better line than “I’m the MOG, I just need to show up and not help with anything.”
While I absolutely don’t expect help for the wedding, its not in our budget to pay for 6 bm dresses. Of course my parents will be paying for my sister’s dress. We will only be helping to pay for 2 dresses of my friends, which will probably result in the deposit (which I plan to keep on the dl) Now since ive decided to include all 3 of his sisters, there is no way we can afford all of their dresses. I really don’t know how to justify paying for her dress, when we definitely can’t pay for all of the dresses.
I honestly probably wouldnt feel so frustrated about the issue if we weren’t also paying my Mother-In-Law 300 in rent (600 total split between us and another couple) for a house that isn’t fully kept up.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, and the reality check. I know I’m worrying too much, and when it all ones down, its more important to me that the people who matter to us are there with us. I really have too much pent up frustration with my Mother-In-Law. Moral of the story: don’t rent from your in laws
Oh also, someone commented that there are more uses for the dresses. I live in Iowa. Nobody gets dressed up for anything around here other than high school dances and weddings. Sonce there are no more weddings coming up in the time before she will grow out of the dress, that one won’t work. However she will be starting high school next year, so out of all my bms she is the one who will have the opportunity for the most useout of it. I really am trying to find a dress they all like, but to expect them to realisticly wear it again, its just not happening a whole lot around here. I try to keep the price down, but my friends and I have all bought $200 prom dresses we wore once and then they went into storage.
Post # 20
@MintTurquoise: Well asking people to come to a wedding you are asking some people to pay for new dress clothes, should that mean you pay for all your guests clothes too? Sorry I know that is a stupid scenario! But if someone asked my daughter (when she was 13) to be in their wedding, my FIRST question would be who’s paying for the dress. Unfortunately, she may refuse and then you have to choose for her not to be in the wedding or you will have to pay.
My daughter’s Future Mother-In-Law also said they would not pay because it is “traditional” for the bride’s parents to pay.
Post # 21
@MintTurquoise: I would be interested to see if your future in-laws woul dhav epaid for her dress/outfit had she not been a member of the bridal party. If they would have paid for her outfit, then this should be no different IN MY OPINION.
Can you work with what her sister already has in her closet? Don’t know what your colours are but if she has a solid colour dress, you can include a sash or a shawl in your wedding colours. It is to a lesser extend, but due to her age, she can get away with not looking exactly like the other girls. Or, can you suggest to your Mother-In-Law to split the cost of SIL’s dress?
Post # 22
If they are so traditional, they may very well expect to pay for the sister’s dress. What did Future Mother-In-Law actually say that made you think otherwise?
Any time you expect people to lay out money they do, however, deserve plenty of notice. It’s also considered polite to consult the BMs as to both style and cost.
Post # 23
If they are using “tradition” as their excuse for not contributing to the wedding, then they should be paying for your rehearsal dinner and honeymoon; as that is the “tradition.” You should remind them of that and see how they react. I’m sorry, but your Future In-Laws don’t seem to be very nice people. And they should DEFINITELY pay for their 13 year old daughter’s dress. Unfortunately, they may refuse so it may be up to you. I know they’re not required to contribute, and many ILs don’t, but they seem to have an unnecessarily negative attitude towards your wedding.
Post # 24
I’m sorry, but before I spent money on 2 adults’ bridesmaids dresses, I’d buy the 13 year old a dress. It’s about prioritization here. One girl is old enough to have babies, and you’re paying for her dress. One girl is old enough to be in college. Let her buy her own dress. They’re ADULTS and not even related to either of you. This is a little girl and she shouldn’t be penalized for the foolishness of the adults around her.
If your fiance doesn’t come up with the money for that little girl’s dress, that would speak VOLUMES about him (TO ME).
Post # 25
Nothing against you, OP – just wanted to leave a related note for B2Bs.
If you ask a minor to be in your wedding, discuss all costs with their parents FIRST/upfront. That way there aren’t any surprises or uncertainties when it comes to items such as dress/suit, shoes, hair/makeup, etc.
Post # 27
There’s a HUGE difference IMO between them contributing costs towards your wedding, and paying for a minor’s bridesmaid dress. And if she’s going by tradition, then she should know BM’s typically pay for their own dresses (at least in the US). If you’re concerned that she doesn’t know this you might drop a hint somehow. “I can’t wait to go dress shopping, I’d really like to try and findsomething under 100.00 to keep the dress affordable for everyone”. If she responds negatively about paying for her daughters dress you can let her know that all bm’s are paying for their own dresses and that is normal.
If that isn’t going to work, it would make more sense to me to contribute to dresses for your minors than to the adult BM’s….
Post # 28
Did you discuss her being a Bridesmaid or Best Man with them? I asked all my Jr Bridesmaid or Best Man parents first
Post # 29
and for the record OP, my husband and I paid for the attire for ALL the minor children involved in our wedding without the expectation of being paid back. Each one of the minors had a parent that was also in the wedding and in my SIL’s case, she had 4 daughters in the wedding and still had to pay for a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress of her own (her husband, who was going to be a groomsman was called to be out of town on business at the last minute and he would have paid to rent his own tux). THIS would have been INFINITELY more important to me than to pay for (or help pay for) my MOH’s dress and we have been friends for some 30 years.
Your friends, if they are mature adults would hear “you know what? We’ve discovered we’re going to have to pay for FI’s little sister’s dress and since funds are tight, we can’t afford to buy yours like we had planned” and said… ABSOLUTELY, no problem! I’ll find the money elsewhere. Let them borrow it. Let them call THEIR parents. Let the new mom call her baby daddy. A new semester is about to start, tell the college student to use some of that financial aid check.
Post # 30
Just a side-note, be very careful about paying for some of the two dresses and not the others. DH was in a wedding where the bride & groom decided to help pay for some of the tux rentals but not others and it upset a lot of people.
With regards to SIL’s dress, all you can do is ask. I would think they’d assume they’d be paying since it’s there minor daughter.
Post # 31
This is ridiculous. Not contributing towards the wedding and not paying for FSIL’s dress are two totally different issues. Of course Future In-Laws should pay for the 13 yr olds dress. She would nee dsomething to wear to the wedding regardless, right? I would assume that they already assumed they will pay for this, as it is NOT the same thing as contributed towards the wedding. But yes, I would invite Future Mother-In-Law to come along dress shopping and let her know ahead of time that the deposit will be needed.