Post # 1
I’m starting to think my soon-to-be SIL is going to be a pain in my butt. I have tried very hard to be nice and friendly towards her. And usually she acts like we are best friends, but every now and then she goes off on Fiance or me. I was raised that you do not argue with family, and I am not about to argue with his. In the past when she has raised hell about some really ridiculous stuff.
The last time, I was at home alone and ate the last ice cream cone out of the freezer. She came over with her son and yelled at me because they weren’t any more in the freezer for him. She told me that you shouldn’t eat ice cream in front of a toddler if you don’t have any to share and called me a self-entitled princess who needed to grow up. Uhm, I was sitting here BY MYSELF when I started eating it and I didn’t know you were coming? She didn’t talk to me for a few days and then I started to feel bad at a family gathering, so I ended up apologizing to her for upsetting her. She has also kept her kids from Fiance (their uncle who they are very close to) when she is pissed at him for equally trivial things. Once for six months!
This time, she contacted me about a surprise birthday party for Future Father-In-Law (who I adore) in a week. The only problem is that it is at my former place of employment. Which is now owned by a manager who was fired when I worked there for sexually harassing me. So I refuse to go there as long as he is involved, something which SIL was well aware, because we had discussed it a few months ago. So when she told me about the party, I told her that I was sorry, but we wouldn’t be able to make it (FI refused to go there too in support of me), and if she changed her mind and had it at any of the other three very similar establishments in the area, we would definitely be there. She told me that she couldn’t change it because she had already told everyone about it and yelled at me for “her father’s son not being able to attend his party”. I feel like A) she ALREADY knew I wasn’t going there and B) If it was so important to her that Fiance be there, he should have been one of the first people she contacted when making plans, rather than the last. I feel like she wanted to go there (this is not a place my Future Father-In-Law even likes) and she thought she could guilt me into it, so all that mattered was where she and her boyfriend wanted to go.
Instead of getting mad at her and telling her how I really felt, I told her that I was sorry, but I hoped she understood and wouldn’t be mad about it. She then defriended me on facebook and hasn’t talked to me since that conversation. I know she won’t apologize, but what do I do? I feel like I am not in the wrong. It makes me feel physically ill to even think about the owner, much less be in the same room with him. The only way this will be amended is if I give in and apologize and do what she wants or what six months til she forgets about it. Or give her a piece of my mind.
So ladies (and gents), what do I do? I don’t want to argue, but she is being an immature little brat.
Post # 3
Do NOT apologize this time that’s for sure. I suppose this behavior has been working for her for years, I can’t imagine it’s going to change. I’d have Fiance speak with her/yell at her, maybe speak to your in laws about the party and why your not going.
Post # 4
You have to say something. Talk to your Fiance first, since it’s his family, but I really think you need to have a conversation with her. Both of you should sit down with her and very calmly tell her how her behavior is affecting you. She’s probably going to take it badly, but that’s not your fault. Her behavior is patently absurd, and she shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it anymore. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!
Post # 5
For FFIL’s birthday, I think you and Fiance should take him (and Future Mother-In-Law if there is one, not sure from the post) to dinner to celebrate a different day. There is absolutely no reason that you need to go into that situation with the former manager, and Future Sister-In-Law should get that. Take the time to celebrate with Future Father-In-Law so that your Fiance has a great memory of it as well (and kudos to him, btw, for staying with you in support, what a good guy!) and you get to spend time with Future Father-In-Law celebrating in a comfortable place.
As for Future Sister-In-Law, I’d just leave her be. And the next time she comes around and throws a tantrum (which is really what she’s doing) I’d just tell her that you’re both adults and if she can’t be respectful and considerate than there’s no use discussing whatever issue is her flavor of the week. Constantly apologizing to her for things that she is doing is ridiculous and doesn’t really help your relationship, it just helps her.
Post # 6
There are no good options with this.
Essentially, I’d talk to your fiance and see if she has some sort of mental/emotional issues? She sounds like a bitch in my opinion. But that’s not something you want to say to her, part of me wants you to put her in her place but that other part of me knows that won’t be good for the overall family. My advice is to limit contact with her as much as possible and don’t argue with her, let her blow up and look like the idiot.
I agree with the poster above me, take Future Father-In-Law out on a separate night to a nice restaurant so he knows you two are thinking of him.
Post # 7
Well she changed the venue for the party and contacted Fiance to ask if we would go. I think that’s about as close to an apology as I will get from her. But it still irks me that she hasn’t said anything to me (and the facebook thing, I feel like that is just so ridiculous and silly).
Fiance asked me if I would go and I told him yes, if he wanted to. He then told her he didn’t know if we would go. So points to him in my book, because he is extremely non-confrontational and tends to let his family walk on him sometimes. Maybe she will realize she needs to actually say something to me….but probably not.
Thanks for letting me vent guys. She is just so hard to deal with sometimes.
Post # 8
Wait the six months. That’s six months crazy free! 😀 Joking. Anyway, it’s nice she changed the venue. I think you should take it as her apology and let it go. Some people (myself included) have a hard time getting down on one knee, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel bad. And if she didn’t mean it as an apology, caring about that can only make it worse. Have fun at the party, though!
Post # 9
Not arguing with family does not equal letting people run over you. When you get married you are officially part of her family, but it gives her absolutely no right to treat you this way. My gradma has told me something my whole life that I feel helped to make me a stronger woman, “Never apologize for something if you don’t feel that you are wrong.” When you apologize just to smooth things over, you are opening the door for yourself to be used as a door mat. You don’t have to argue, but don’t let yourself get treated horribly either.
It is very good that she changed the venue, at least you will be able to enjoy a part for your Future Father-In-Law that is meant for the whole family.
Post # 10
She’s a drama queen and she’s only going to continue this childish behavior thru the years to come. Don’t bring it up. One piece of advice to tell to my friends is when dealing with a toxic individual is to “stop reacting”. People do stupid things to get YOU to react to their foolishness and therefore in their minds “win”. She defriended you — good riddance. Don’t campagin to get on her good side. As long as you respectingly give you POV on matters that directly affect you, leave her to her foolish tantrums.
Post # 11
I think that since she changed the venue the best idea is to just get over it:/ Although I’m not all to happy to give you that as an answer. It really ticks me off that she continues to act like this towards you, but I have a suspicion that you talking to her about it would not do anything to benefit the situation. She doesn’t sound like the type to apologize or listen. I do think that under NO circumstances should you apologize in instances like this. She is completely in the wrong on this particular issue. And on things like the ice cream, you are a grown woman who can eat whatever the hell you please whenever you want to. And yes it’s not nice to eat ice cream in front of a little one (only because they shouldn’t be eating it in general, not because you should be sharing it!), but it’s not like you knew that they were coming over. I think that even if she re-adds you as a friend you should just take her off of yours. There’s no need to deal with her immature antics. Seriously de-friending you on facebook…how many times do you think she’ll pull that one trying to get a rise out of you? My guess…A LOT!