- 6 years ago
There are 3 of us that stay in touch from college. The other two girls live in the same city but don’t see each other while I live 2 hours away. One has a baby (nearly 2 yrs old) and the other recently got married and is whom I refer to in this post. I see the friend with the baby more often then I see the other girl though I enjoy both of their company and value their friendship. The problem is, I didn’t attend the wedding.
When I RSVP’d, I simply declined. At the rehearsal dinner, the bride, the mother of the bride, the maid of honor did mention to our mutual college friend (also a bridesmaid), what an awful friend/person I was for not attending, not providing a reason on my RSVP and that I waited until the last minute to send the RSVP. They did not use eloquent language to describe their feelings. Our mutual friend told me not only so I would know, but I suppose so I knew to what degree the bride was hurt. I suppose it is poor etiquette to not provide an excuse on the RSVP, but I didn’t know I was supposed to do so. I wasn’t waiting for a response to my RSVP but if she was so upset, why didn’t she communicate or express that to me in some way? Non communication is part of her “M.O.” in the last few years. I honestly thought she did not mind I couldn’t attend.
There are several reasons I didn’t attend but here are the highlights:
1) I never see the bride. When I come to visit in NY, it’s true that I usually go for something work related and the visits are not purely social. However, in the two years, I only saw her for wedding related events (engagement party, wedding shower), which I happily attended, excited to share in these moments with her. While there, though, she barely spoke to me, though I know she has other guests to attend to. I don’t mean to make it sound like the only reason I’m there is for the gift but she doesn’t call or email back. Ever. So much so, I stopped sending “checking in on you emails” almost 2 years ago. I do not feel crucial to her life at all.
2) Given our lack of communication and general closeness, I was not surprised I wasn’t in the bridal party. I do wish I could have celebrated with her at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor insisted it was only to be the bridesmaids and not a whole group of friends. Our mutual friend from college spoke to the bride about how it was only 3 of us from college and that my attendance should be an exception. I didn’t mind that I didn’t attend the bachelorette party in AC (thinking as a student with no income); however, I minded that she didn’t fight for my being there and acquiesced to the maid of honor. That hurt. If invited, I would have gone.
3) I quit my job 6 weeks before the wedding and went back to school full time. The day of the wedding, I had class, and not just a class but a midterm in a class that did not offer make up exams. There was no logistical way I could take the exam, drive 3.5 hours to the reception without missing all the ceremony and ½ the reception. The professor did provide exceptions in extreme circumstances and the reason I turned in the RSVP the week it was due was mostly me stalling until the professor made a decision. Unfortunately for me, he declined a make-up exam.
Also, the hotel was quite expensive and as a student now, spending close to $300 was a little overwhelming. I kept the fact I went back to school private from everyone except family. At the time of the wedding, my girlfriends had no idea about everything I’ve mentioned in this third bullet.
The bride’s, MOH’s and the bride’s mother comments did weigh on my mind for several weeks and I finally disclosed all my reasons for not attending the wedding to our mutual friend (the bridesmaid). She was a little miffed I didn’t tell her what my plans were but she listened anyway to my reasons for privacy. I have not spoken to her since and tentative plans we had came and went with unanswered confirmations. I realize she has a very active 2 yr old so I’m hoping she’s just really busy.
4) I am single. This was my 5th wedding this summer/fall season and I was not anxious to rush to the second ½ of a reception to be by myself. Perhaps this isn’t a valid excuse, after all…
Why I am posting?
Even if months have passed since us girls saw each other last, I have always enjoyed the ability to pick up where we left off. They know (I feel that they know) I would do anything for them if ever there was a need. The bride and I haven’t spoken, as per usual, however, now I feel there’s an elephant in the room. I don’t feel like I have to explain myself to the Maid/Matron of Honor of MOB. Not in the least as they are very loud individuals and likely just mad e a bad situation worse. Most of all, I’m sorry I hurt the bride. I would like to send a card this holiday season and want to write something. How do I start? What do I say? What should I not say?