(Closed) What do I say now, after the wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would send a card as usual, to the newly weds or something. If your making the issue an elephant in the room, they will keep treating it like one. If you show them you can move on, be civilised and let go of the not attending the wedding feelings, maybe they can too.

After all, there is not much any of you can do now for you to attend the wedding (unless you have a time machine) but I think what you really want is a chance to air these feelings out, and tell your bride friend the reasons above you can’t go. Until then, you feel like youve just been labelled, and treated like an outsider as your views havent been heard.

Perhaps write them a short note in the card. Apologise for not going, list the reasons above, but above all, make it clear that for the future, you want to remain close to her, and would do anything for her (if thats what you want) then I can’t see how she could remain mad at you, as you have done everything to resolve the problems.

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 4
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Did you send her a card/present?

I had two of my former bffs that I’ve grown apart from (mainly due to distance), decline the invite and I never heard from them again! I was a bit hurt that they never gave a reason for the decline, nor did they give me a gard wishing me well.It stung that they couldn’t even call, write, send a text anything!


Post # 5
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@alwaysabridesmaidneverabride: I can understand that twinge of hurt she felt when you declined to come to the wedding. That being said, I understand your reasoning for not attending. You aren’t as close as you used to be and the things you did attend, she made no real effort to talk with you. Of course she would be busy with so many guests, but would she really have made a greater effort to speak with you at the wedding? Probably not. Her Maid/Matron of Honor made no effort to invite you to the bachelorette party and include you so her opinion about you declining to come to the wedding is worth jack.

I too quit my job to go back to grad school full-time so I totally understand the lack of funds (and time) to do just about anything.

Sending a christmas card would be a nice gesture to say hi hope your first christmas as mr and mrs is wonderful. I wouldn’t say anything about declining to go to the wedding. If she would like to find out why, she should ask. She should make an effort to say we need to get together. Maybe in the card offer to get together?

I doubt your other friend is upset you didn’t tell her why you didn’t attend the wedding. That is a silly reason to be mad at a friend. She’s probably just busy.

I hope everything works out for you!

Post # 6
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Etiqutte does not require anyone to provide a reason when declining a social invitation, and etiqutte does not permit a host or hostess to inquire as to why you declined.  Having said that, if you are interested in keeping the door open to a friendship with your college pal, I would suggest that you send the happy couple a beautiful wedding card, congratulating them on their marriage, wishing them well, telling them (without providing a specific reason) that you are sorry that you were unable to join them on their special day, and indicating you would enjoy getting together with them in 2012.  If the relationship means a great deal to you, you may want to consider sending a gift as well.  However, it is not required. If you send the aforementioned wedding card, you could then simply mail a normal holiday greeting in the form of another card, a day or so later.

Post # 7
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

It does sound like you want to keep the friendship, correct?

Since you do know that she was upset, I would contact her. A phone call may be a little odd (esp since you didn’t call years past) so I do think a card would be best (however, I would send a seperate wedding card vs a christmas card.)

Like the other poster said, explain why you couldn’t attend and be sure to offer her a congratulations.

Post # 9
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@alwaysabridesmaidneverabride: If you already sent a wedding card and a gift, I would not send a subsquent one.  It is not at all uncommon for a newlywed couple to delay cashing checks. As a gift giver, I have experienced this many times — once it took a couple of months for a couple to cash a check.  As a newlywed, I know it takes time to change one’s name, establish a joint checking account, etc.

In this case, I would send very warm and friendly greetings in the Christmas card and note again that you’re sorry you were unable to share their special day and that you’d welcome an opportunity to get together with them in 2012.

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