(Closed) What do I say to “uninvited adult children?”

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Man, that is just really odd and really rude.  When both my older brothers got married, we had a lot of family friends there that did not bring any of their adult children.  I would just politely tell them that with the budet, you guys had a limit of how many guests could come and unfortunatley that excludes your children.  Hopefully they will understand.

Post # 4
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Just be polite and tell them that while you wish you could have their whole families present for the celebration, but that the guest list you and your FDIL have worked out just doesn’t have the extra room. No one has the right to force you to invite others to the wedding, especially when it sounds like they’d rather have them there for the beach than the actual ceremony. Be polite, but firm!!!

Post # 5
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You should do as I did like may others. When you send out your invitation  have response cards worded like such.

We have joyfully reserved _____ seats for our special day . Than it’s followed by accept or decline.

This SHOULD get the point across that only those guest are invited. I did mine like this since it’s a plated dinner and I have to know the number of ppl coming and I don’t get extra tag alongs hopefully. If they pesist politely tell them that you have reached your budget and sadly you can’t afford the extra guest. If they offer to pay for it than I guess it’s up to you if that’s ok.

Post # 6
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

We are doing something similar to missplanner, where our invitations will have a ____ Number attending line. If they fill in more than are invited, they will be getting a phone call!!!

Post # 7
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That is kind of strange…  I wouldn’t worry too much right now, though; it seems likely that the sons themselves wouldn’t really want to come and it might just be wishful thinking on the parents’ part.  Maybe just say something like “That would be nice if they wanted to visit X at the same time as you.  I don’t think there will be room at the reception for them, though” and make some excuse about limited seating or something.

Post # 8
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the old “small intimate wedding” verbage might help.  It’s important you tell them NOW because they’ll guilt trip the heck out of you if they’ve already bought plane tickets or whatever for their adult children.  I think you need to be very direct about it.  “I’m so happy that you plan on attending, but I wanted to make sure you understand that this will be a very small intimate wedding, and while I was more than happy to make room for my closest friends to come, there just won’t be room for (children’s names).  But I know that (your son’s name) will be very happy that you were able to make it!”  That tells them in no uncertain terms that bringing uninvited people will be noticed and unappreciated.  If they still pressure you, just explain that you have space constraints, and there will not be room.

Post # 10
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Well plan B is always budget.  “We wish we could afford for ALL of our friends’ families to be there, but unfortunately with such a large guest list and so many people attending, we simply cannot afford for (children’s names here) to come.  But we really appreciate the sentiment!”

Post # 12
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m in that situation!  But i’m the bride!  Unfortunately, my in laws don’t seem to be as understnading as you are.  They think it’s great that these old family friends want to bring their 30 year old children along even though no one’s seen them for like 8 years.  Ugh.  Anyways, I am very strict about sticking to the parameters of our guest list.  It doesn’t include the children of family friends.  I would reccommend being kind, but fairly blunt just to make sure to get the point across.

something like:  “gosh it’s just wonderful that joey and jenny want to come too, but we’re already over the limit of our guest list as it is. You know how difficult wedding planning can be….So I’m sure you understand.  But we’d love to reconnect with the kids again soon. Maybe next fall?  I hope you and your husband will still be able to join us at the wedding.”

Post # 13
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hm… my parents have friends like this.  They expect that I will invite their adult children and will be immature and not come if I don’t.  This is fine since they are my parents’ friends and not mine… and I have not seen or spoken to them or their children in years.

Post # 14
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

This happened to us.  FMIL’s bestfriend asked us if she could bring her daughter to the wedding, in addition to her husband whom we were inviting.  We said something like, “We would love to see your daughter at our wedding but due to space issues, we don’t think that we could accomodate her.  We are still waiting for some RSVP’s to arrive and if we get some declines, we would be happy to let her come.”  She was very apologetic and everything and even offered to pay for her daughter’s meal (who does this, I know!).  We reiterated that it’s not really about the money (although it was, more than the space issue) but the space that we are worried about.  When almost all RSVP’s came back and we got 20% no’s, we decided to invite the daughter.

Post # 15
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I’m wondering if perhaps the son might show up at the location (and stay in one of the block rooms b/c it’ll be cheaper), but want to do his own thing in lieu of the wedding.  Don’t worry too much about it now, but you might emphasize that it’s a small wedding.

Post # 16
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I was also wondering if the guests will be paying for their own rooms, I could see the family does in fact want to turn it into a mini vaca but the son won’t be attending the wedding?

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