(Closed) What do I tell him?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2634 posts
Sugar bee

I’d suggest to him that he attend invidual counseling if she refuses to go to couples counseling.

Post # 4
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think that his choice of conversation topic is completely inappropriate. I think you should tell him, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t appropriate to discuss with me. Can we talk about something else?”

Post # 5
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i dont think its inappropriate. i think he just needs someone to vent to… similar to how we vent on these boards. his wife wont talk to him, so he chose to talk to a friend. there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. while i do agree they should go to counseling, or at least he should go, i think you should continue supporting and listening to him (you dont have to say anything). but only continue if you feel comfortable with the situation, and it sounds like you are.

Post # 6
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@snmcdowell  I completely agree!!!!

I received some very good advice once about this type of subject.

Relationships have doors and windows. Windows are what the outside can see and hear about your relationship, and doors are solid and they are what you keep inside.

Once you start taking information that should be behind a door, and showing it through the window, you have crossed the line. If his wife knew that he was sharing this information with you, she would obviously feel extremely violated.

He has opened a window to you that should be kept between him and his wife. If he’s having problems, he should go to a professional, not a “work friend”.

For the sake of his relationship and yours, I would suggest that you tell him that he can not longer discuss his unhappy home life with you.

Post # 7
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My advice would be “talk to your wife” but since she won’t do that….probably something like “I’m really worried about the toll this is taking on you. Maybe you should consider individual counseling to help you figure this out”.

Post # 8
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with SanDiegoAli. If his wife won’t speak to him or go to couples counseling, he should go on his own. I was friends with a couple in a similar situation who needed counseling badly. The wife refused to go, so the husband went without her. Through working with a therapist he realized that their relationship was unhealthy and that the wife clearly didn’t want to do anything to save their marriage and he was the only one interested in having one. They ended up getting a divorce, but they were both better off in the end .

Also, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that his confiding in you is “inappropriate” – given the fact that his wife won’t speak with him or go to couples counseling to work on their issues. He obviously feels comforable confiding in you b/c you’re female. Dudes generally don’t talk to their guy friends about stuff like this so that’s why he’s likely talking to you. However, you aren’t a licensed therapist, and that seems to be what he needs. A counselor should be able to help him sort things out. 


Post # 9
581 posts
Busy bee

Monkeygirl is totally correct.  There is a line, “Let listening do the heavy lifting.”  Your friend needs someone to listen and simply hear him.  Obviously he isn’t getting that at home.  I do understand the “windows and doors” analogy, but this man is reaching out for support,   A friend would encourage him to get counseling.  Sometimes we need someone to listen, tell us we are okay and suggest a strategy.



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