Post # 1
This is real hard for me. I’ve posted before about a long-time friend of mine who began having serious mental health problems since her engagement was broken two years ago. She just recently got out of the hospital (friday) and is back on her meds, but she’s been in and out of hospitals for the last 2 years, and isn’t fully accepting having a mental illness (in an nutshell).
I had lunch with her today and was convinced I’d have the guts to tell her she needs to stay on her meds, or I don’t know how I can have her be part of the wedding…but I just couldn’t say it. We talked about her staying on her meds, and all she said was that she’s fine complying for now, but she’s still convinced what happend to her wasn’t mental illlness, but some kind of ‘mission’ she was on…and she’s convinced that with or without meds it will happen again if it’s supposed to happen.
I tied to get her to see the coorelation between not taking her meds and her ending up in the hospital versus her way of thinking that it could happen regardless. Anyways, it’s rough, but were 5 months out from the wedding and no one wants her there unless she’s on her meds….which I can understand. her behaviour can be very unpredictable, she’s been known to get very argumentative, and even to disrobe when she’s manic.
How would you handle this? I guess I just don’t have the heart to conditionally invite her or to give her some kind of ultimatum but if that’s the only way then I guess how should I approach it?
Post # 3
This is a really difficult situation, I feel for you. I guess you have to wait until closer to the wedding to see whether or not she’s still on her medication…whether or not she sees the correlation btw her behaviour and her medication is irrelevant when it comes to your day. You simply cannot risk potentially manic behaviour at your wedding, that just goes without saying.
You sound like the two of you are close so I guess I would go with the honest approach. When you give her your invite, mention how well you think she’s doing now she’s out of hospital and back on meds and say you can’t wait to have her at your wedding now she’s better. Then when you’re say 2 weeks out, go for lunch again and ask her about taking her meds. She sounds like she’s honest with you so if she says she’s still on them, then believe her and let her come to your wedding. If she’s not, you’re just going to have to be honest with her and say that you love her, want her there, but believe that she’s better on her medication and you want her there for you whilst she’s taking it. Emphsise that you believe the medication is what’s helping her…she should hopefully respect that wish. If not, tell her you can’t risk her being on ‘mission’ during your day. x
Post # 4
That’s a really difficult situation. I can imagine it would be difficult to “conditionally” invite someone, but if she’s highly unstable off of her meds (and it sounds like she most certainly is), then I would personally not invite her. I know it sounds terrible and selfish, but you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells the entire day/night, simply for her sake. What fun would that be for anyone?
Plus, what if someone were to talk to her, and wasn’t aware she was unstable or off her meds? A lot of people don’t quite know how to talk to someone like that or avoid confrontation when the other party isn’t necessarily stable.
If you really want to invite her, then do, but don’t invite her under condition. That just seems like you’re trying to plan the whole thing around her, when really it’s not about her. You can still be her good friend and love her, but you can’t go half way with your decision. Hope this helps, sorry it’s so long!
Post # 5
Man, I really dont know what to tell you. It sounds like you want her there, but you know how dangerous it could be (for you, her, your guests, etc.).
I think I would avoid discussing the wedding with her. If she asks, give her short and simple answers. That way, if she is not in a good place in 5 months, you can uninvite her without feeling like she was too involved.
Is there someone in her life (besides you or your regular guests) that can “supervise” her at the wedding? Maybe someone who is familiar with her condition and is a good anchor for her, like a parent? Maybe invite them to be a chaperone.
Post # 6
I would really try to involve her, if you’re that close, and maybe ask her to be there for you and with you when you go shopping or to get ready on your big day. This not only shows she has a supportive network around her and will keep her focused, but it also gives her an incentive to take care of herself because she has something to look forward to and a neasurable goal to work towards, as well as a responsibility to a friend. I would preface it with how you want her to be there and why, but that it is conditional, not for your sake, but hers, and it would break your heart to not be able to have her there.
Post # 7
Can you invite her parents, too? If she starts acting out they might be able to get her out of there before she can cause too much of a scene.
If you still want her in your life, then try to find a way to invite her. I cannot imagine having a serious mental illness. She didn’t ask for this and I can empathize with her not wanting to fully accept it. Maybe she just needs more time, friendship, and support.
Post # 8
We have a somewhat similar situation with a really good friend of ours who we’ve asked to be an usher in the wedding prior to things going downhill. I could potentially see very bad things happening, but I could also see it going very well. His problems could be heightened by some of the other people invited to the wedding so we’ve been honest with him and told him that he has to bring a ‘guest’ outside of our group of friends. That way if things get rocky, he isn’t depending on anyone else there and that person can take him home or to the hotel if needed. We’ve also got another uninvolved person who’s job it is to just sort of keep a passive eye on him. Mental illnesses is such a tough subject, and so much more common than how our society handles it in reality. I just couldn’t imagine our wedding without this good friend, he’s part of the reason my Fiance even started dating in the first place!