Post # 1
I hope I’m posting in the right forum. I’m 36 and have been TTC for almost 9 years. I have had a lot of friends who got pregnant by “accident” or while TTC. I have been to about 30 baby showers while TTC. I love babies and kids.
As I am getting older, I have noticed that most of the “friends” I have don’t invite Darling Husband and I to events b/c they are for “families”. I used to cry on everyone’s shoulder about my efforts TTC and the failed adoption 3 weeks before the baby was due but I realized that upsets people. I still have his baby clothes and sono pics…
We are in a new area overseas where everyone our age (30’s) has kids or is pregnant. We are literally the only ones w/o kids our age. I DO like hanging out with the women with kids….and I also don’t tell them about my IF issues unless they say “oh you must not like kids since you don’t have them.”
Darling Husband doesn’t understand why these people exclude us all the time and I’m running out of answers. I tell him they want other people to talk to about their kids and for their kids to have playdates. We mentioned having a get together at our house but the responses weren’t good since we don’t have toys for the kids, a backyard to play in, etc. and they were confused why non-parents would have a party and invite families.
So what do moms honestly think about us non-moms? Do I need to get over trying to have friendships with moms b/c I’m not one?
Post # 3
I am so sorry your feeling this way:( And very sorry about the failed adoption, don’t stop trying! I’m not a mom so I can’t really give my opinion there but just want to say I admire you for still wanting to be around families/kids. I know people that have been in similar situations and have had the opposite affect where they don’t want to be around families, so maybe some feel like you wouldn’t want to be included in family events?
Post # 4
That’s really hard! I’m not a mom yet either, but I guess I would imagine it could one of two things. In particular for your friends who did know about your infertility, maybe they were trying to be nice, and not make you feel worse by inviting you to things with lots of kids? Obviously this had the opposite effect, but perhaps there intentions were good. In that case, it seems like sitting down with one or two of your closest friends and explaining that it’s hard for you, but you do still love kids and being around your friends and their kids and would hate to be excluded because you don’t have any of your own.
The other thing I could see is that, like you said, people are assuming that you don’t have kids because you don’t like them and in that case, wouldn’t think you would want to hang out with theirs. I do know some people who have chosen not to have children and don’t particularly like them, and they do get annoyed when their mom friends only want to do things that are kid friendly. So, maybe they are thinking that.
Sorry, I can’t really offer any advice, but hopefully if you really talk to them they might understand? I’m sure being overseas makes the problem even bigger, not havign your long time friends around. I wish you the best of luck with this!
Post # 5
I’m a mom and I would just think of you as another person. Maybe it’s because I’m still young (22) but most of my friends don’t have children. I don’t care as long as they know that I’ll be bringing my daughter along with me everywhere I go. If people invite me over they know tat I have a two year old but I don’t care if they have toys or a place to play. As long as the house isn’t full of breakables my daughter will be fine because I keep toys and crayons in the car for her. Your friends have the issue, not you.
I would suggest trying to join a book club or fitness group to try and make new friends. A lot of parents attend those things just to get away from the kids for an hour and would love some conversation that doesn’t revolve around potty training. Sometimes parents forget that they are people first and parents second.
I’m not sure what else to tell you except for good luck with TTC!
Post # 6
I don’t know if this is what your looking for, since I don’t have kids yet so I don’t really have a hard and fast answer to your question. However, I can tell you that my two sisters both have kids and I don’t. Darling Husband has 6 sisters and brothers and 27 nieces and nephews! We’re the only ones without kids besides DH’s much younger brother, and I also notice that I’ve been treated differently (in a MEAN way) for not having kids.
I, too, am not invited to things with my sisters “because I don’t have kids.” Then my one sister is really bitter and is always telling me to never have kids. This was going on the entire time we were TTC for over a year. I never did have the heart to tell her how her comments hurt BECAUSE we were TTC. I didn’t want anyone to know we were failing at it, so I just grew even more resentful, because on the one hand, they are always telling me “you don’t understand ANYTHING bc you don’t have kids,” then on the other hand they turn around and tell me to never have them… it’s really effing annoying.
I’m 22 weeks pregnant today, and OMG, it’s crazy how they did a complete 180! I thought my one sister would be bitter (the one telling me not to have them) but she was the happiest for me of all of them, and my other sister is so excited, throwing me a baby shower and offered to fly to Colorado to help me the first week after the LO is born… I couldn’t even get them to fly here for my effing wedding! Again, no real answer to your question, but my opinion is that whether people admit it or not, if they have kids, they feel like they can’t relate to those without them. End of story.
Post # 7
I have two kids and have plenty of friends without kids that we spend time with. If we are going to a place tat is not a home with children already we just bring our own things for the kids to be entertained with. If you invite people over often it might be nice to have a little bin of toys for the kid to play with and make sure your home is child proof (all breakables up).
This definately isn’t something that is something I would quit being friends with someone over at all. I think you just need to find better friends.
Post # 8
I think a lot of times they just feel like they can’t relate to people without kids. A lot of times when groups of parents get together, they mostly talk about their kids and parenting. Maybe these people feel like they wouldn’t have anything to talk about with you.
Post # 9
I believe msfahrenheit hit it on the head so to speak. I am 38 and have a infant son so I can relate since I was childless until this past fall. A lot of it is the no toys things. I know for us, my Darling Husband and I before we had our son made sure we had a bin of toys, paper/crayons for the nieces and nephews to use/play with when they visited.
I know before we had the bin of toys, whenever the neices and nephews visited they got bored easily and then caused problems. That and okay I admit, now days all I talk about is my son, his milestones right now etc. So as a non parent, you are not going to get excited if I tell you about my son having a decent size poopy diaper when we had issues with him pooing..
Post # 10
Lord help me if I ever had children and could no longer relate to those without children! Surely there is more to being an interesting person than just having children!
Post # 11
Ok, I am not a mom. But at 28, I have many friends and family members who have children and young infants. We all still have fun together at times with/ at times without the kids. We definitely see each other less because the parents often try to socialize with other families (so the kids can have fun and socialize too). But they have never distanced themselves to the point the OP describes.
I think some of it may be cultural and generational. Not having toys at your house is no reason not socialize, when we were young we used to get dragged places and yes we were bored but oh well. Are parents that OCD that the thought of their kids not having toys is so crazy? Can’t the parents bring a few books and some toys for their kids, sheesh. Don’t mean to sound harsh.
I guess my point is don’t throw away being friends with moms, just because these friends seem to be hesitant to socialize with non-moms. Not all moms are like this.
Post # 12
I can say this feeling goes both ways. And I doubt either is 100% the truth. I as a mom sometimes feel like those without kids are annoyed by inviting me when I bring my son everywhere or that Im not invited to things that are not kid friendly sometimes because they think I wont come or dont have any real interest in doing anything without my child. My son is of course my first priority but I am still an adult woman and I do enjoy adult only activities. So I think its based on a bad assumption that since you do not have children of your own that maybe you would not be into what they are planning or that you may become annoyed at them in some way. I would try not to take it personally. its really probably because they might think you cannot relate and they cannot relate, which as other bees have stated, is not the case. I do hear myself sometimes talking about my son nonstop and wonder “hmm i think since she doesnt have kids yet she’s probably like ugh! be quiet already!”. But I would not avoid my friendships with my childless friends. It does take more effort to find time with them but I do my best.
I am very sorry to hear of your IF troubles and of your failed adoption. It breaks me heart to hear that people who so desparately want kids have so much trouble making that a reality ((hugs)) And I think thats awesome that you are strong enough to still love being around kids and families. Good luck to you!
Post # 13
I can’t imagine turing down an invitation for our family soley because the hosts did not have kids. But, I will offer my own perspective. Darling Husband, the kids and I rarely end up hanging out with child-free couples as a family. We are more likely to have one of us stay home with the kids and the other one just go alone. In our experience, there are several factors that have made it this way:
1) timing- sometimes it does not work for us for example- the get together does not start till 7pm (bedtime)
2) In past experience other guests (not the hosts) have been inappropriate for kids- cursing, drinking to excess etc.
3) We often get invited to non-child friendly things. We don’t take our kids to the bar.
These may or may not apply in your case. I do think its rude that you don’t get invited to the “family” events. I have several non-mom friends that I enjoy spending time with AWAY FROM my kids. It is really nice to spend time with these women and not talk about babies! Sometimes its nice to have a “grown-up” conversation!
Post # 14
Maybe they think you don’t want kids around, but are just being polite? Try opening up to the moms about your troubles, and tell them that having them around with their kids help heal you (if this is true). They may be making assumptions about you and your husband, without realizing that they could be wrong.
Post # 15
I don’t have kids, but can totally relate to what you are saying. I am 34 and we are TTC. A lot of our friends have kids, and the one without kids are single. We don’t get invited to a lot of things that are for the people with kids since we don’t have kids. On the other hand, we don’t get invited to a lot of things with the single people since we aren’t single. We are kind of in a strange position. I think it is worse for me than for my husband. He still goes out with the guys, but the women are just different. I feel like I don’t relate to anyone.
I have recently started finding activities that interest me so I can meet new people with similar interests. I started doing a fitness boot camp and met a lot of people through there. It’s nice to have something that is a social outlet for me. I do still hang out with our other friends, but am trying to find new friends that are in a similar position that I am in.
I don’t really have any good advice for you. What has really worked for me was to try to find people in a similar position in their lives to be friends with. I still keep in touch with these other people and ocntinue to invite them over – but am really trying to concentrate on other things that make me happy.
Post # 16
I have kids but have never thought any different of those that didn’t. I do decline invitations quite often BUT I’m also a young parent & know what friends houses I can & can’t take my kiddo too. I have some friends who don’t have kids who love my son & we stay close… others, I know they’d feel hasseled to have him around b/c their home just isn’t “kid-friendly” (not meaning they don’t have toys, etc, but they LIKE their things & quiet very much & would truly be bothered if DS was there for a long period)
I think alot of times it’s just easier to assume that someone without children would be more apt to wanting “adults only”
I’d keep inviting & when you do make sure they know families are welcomed!