(Closed) What do y'all think about your guy looking at porn…right next to you?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

First of all, MAJOR hugs to you for having to deal with vaginismus. I am a former sufferer, so I know exactly what you’re going through. My ex was so wonderful and patient with me, despite it taking 5-6 tries for sex to work the first time and a year for me to actually enjoy penetration. If you keep working together, you’ll get there!

Second – yes, that would bother me. I don’t have issues with porn, but I can completely understand why it hurt your feelings and I do think you have a valid reason to bring it up to him. He probably just didn’t want to get out of bed and thought you’d stay asleep, but I think it’s just a matter of respect to go to another room. I’d try and bring it up and frame it as not having an issue with masturbation, but having an issue with doing it while looking at porn right next to you in bed – that it doesn’t help to assure your already hyped up fears about sex and performing.

I’m sure he’ll understand and you two can work this out 🙂

Post # 5
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Eek.    I would be pissed too in your shoes!  From your second post though, it sounds like he is feeling guilty.  I would confront him, but be understanding about it… just let him know it’s not okay to do that while you’re sleeping right next to him, but that you understand that because you guys are still working through your vaginimismus, he has urges that need to be fulfilled… just not right next to you.

Post # 6
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Dizbee:  Maybe he feels bad? It’s an awkward situation and he probably feels bad for waking you up and/or upsetting you. 

I probably wouldn’t really mind, but I can see why in this case (with the issues with pain, etc) it would be a little upsetting or hurtful. I wouldn’t blame him though, maybe just mention how it makes you feel and ask if next time he would do it elsewhere.

Post # 7
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well what exactly do you expect him to do? If you can’t or won’t have sex with him that doesn’t mean his desires go away. While personally I wouldn’t have done that right next to you like he did I do get it. My Fiance is the same way, he wants me to be near when he does so that way it feels more like an act between us and not him slinking off to do it. Your reaction probably made him feel guilty and frustrated. 

Post # 8
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

SO and I are pretty open to that and sexual things. I probably would have asked him if he needed help with that.  I actually provide videos and pictures for him…so he doesn’t have to look at porn.  He’d rather look and watch me/us anyways 🙂  

Post # 9
Member
1382 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Oh yuck, not right next to me..!  (Unless he’s trying to get me to watch too)  My FH is a very different case though.. he refuses to even go #2 when he knows I’m within earshot.

My friend and her husband watch porn together all the time, and she swears by it to constantly spice things up in her marriage.  Maybe you should try that with your man and do other things besides the actual intercourse if that’s too painful..?  It would get you to open up with your man more.  I know I’d be less bothered if it weren’t looked at such a secretive thing.

Post # 11
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

@mixtapehearts:  She’s not telling him NOT to masturbate. She woke up and asked what he was doing because she was surprised he’d do that right next to her. I get it. Trust me – vaginismus is a really, really tough thing to go through and the more stress there is to perform, the more pain and anxiety there generally is. It’s a lose-lose situation. Of course he needs to take care of himself somehow, but doing it right next to her is just a tad disrespectful it it’s not something they’ve already discussed.

Post # 12
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissCalifornia:  Well asking what he is doing when it’s clear what he is doing was probably the wrong route to go. That comes off as an accusation akin to walking in on your child coloring on the wall.  I am not saying her condition is easy, I am only saying she needs to put herself in his shoes. Since he can’t have sex with her possibly doing that near her where he can see her makes him feel more fufilled or less like a pervert slinking off to do a dirty deed behind her back. If she’s not okay with it she should tell him so and he should respect that. But given the circumstances I can see why he would want to do what he did 

Post # 13
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would be upset I’m not going to lie.

But I disagree with porn.

What I’m thinking is he just had the strong urge. If he was trying to mess around before hand, he was probably really wanting to at that point and I’m sure doing so while you were in bed isn’t ideal but it is what it is.

 

He’s going to do it if you’re not having sex, if you’re against it being in bed with you than talk to him about it. If you’re feeling insecure that he’s watching these videos (And it’s probably not because he wants to see girls enjoy it, it’s probably just beccause men are visual and need something to look at) perhaps take some pictures of yourself for him so you know it’s you that he’s enjoying?

But I don’t think he’s mad at you I think he’s just feeling uncomfortable. Like being walked in on by a parent, although you’re not his parent he was still caught doing the deed.

Post # 14
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Hm. If I was asleep and he was taking care of himself next to me, I wouldn’t be upset.  I’d figure he enjoyed being close to me. If I woke up, I’d probably kindly ask him to go into the other room. But that’s me, and I’m very pro-porn and masturbation.

I can understand not liking it done right next to you though. I hate the word “confront” in this situation. I would simply bring it up casually and say, “Hey, I’m fine with you masturbating, but I didn’t like it when you were watching porn right there next to me. In the future could you please go into the other room? Thanks, honey.”

 

Post # 15
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t have a problem with it…I get that you are dealing with some not so nice things, i couldn’t imagine NOT enjoying sex, and not to make you feel bad, but what do you expect him to do?  if he has a healthy sex drive, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing… sounds like he was doing it on purpose to wake you up and as if he was trying to entice you to maybe join him or have a new experience with him in that way…maybe give it a chance and you will lose your ideal that he should only do it when your not around.  remember that he is losing a special connection with you because of the pain you feel, I think he is just in need of some attention in a sexual/sensual way and was hoping that by doing in the bed, you would notice and have a different reaction than what you had.  I can only speculate tho.     I watch porn with my dh and we both enjoy it.

to be honest, if i was awakend by that, i would have asked can I help? It turns me on to watch dh masturbate, we sometimes don’t have sex or touch each other at all, just watch each other pleasure ourselves.  I can’t describe it, but having him looking at me while touching himself… it’s a whole different level of a connection..  sounds cheesey, but like I said, i can’t really describe it.

Post # 16
Member
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It doesn’t bother me. Especially if I was having a hard time keeping him satisfied, I wouldn’t mind… though I’d probably offer to put on a show for him (striptease or something) if I had the energy/time. 

We go through phases where one of us wants it more than the other, and that’s fine. We don’t really turn each other down often, even in the low phase, but sometimes you just want it more than your partner can easily keep up with and times like that call for a little self love. 

I think he doesn’t want you to feel pressured to perform, or he didn’t want to wake you up, but still was comfy in bed, you know? It seems pretty harmless to me, but I’m sure he’d be open to stepping into the other room if you asked him. 

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