Post # 1
Meaning, at what point in your relationship would you be 100% committed to working through any really serious problems you might face instead of calling it quits?
For me, it would be having kids with him. Pre-kids, even if we were married, if he majorly messed up (cheating, blowing through our savings) or if we discovered some major compatibility issues we hadn’t uncovered before, I don’t think I could continue because I really want kids and I couldn’t knowingly bring them into a marriage that I thought might not last.
But if we already had kids, I would be a lot more willing to fight through our issues because I would feel like I owed them to give my best effort to keep our family together. Not that I’d never consider divorce after kids, but the bar would be set a lot higher.
Post # 3
I voted for when we became exclusive. That was only a few months in to the relationship, but by that point I was already head over heels in love with him. And we were 100000% commited to working through issues.
Post # 4
For me, it was when we got engaged. Not that I wasn’t committed to him before then, but I look at our relationship differently now. Now I see him as the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, not just my boyfriend.
Post # 5
I voted for when we became exclusive as well. I knew at that point that he was the man I was going to marry. I know I’m still young in my relationship–not yet married, no kids, but I don’t think that will alter my level of commitment that much. I’m already committed. Getting engaged didn’t make me more committed–it just let the world know that the commitment was there.
Post # 6
@Sea_Ashley: “For me, it was when we got engaged. Not that I wasn’t committed to him before then, but I look at our relationship differently now. Now I see him as the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, not just my boyfriend.”
Same here. Not that I wouldn’t have wanted to work through issues with him as a boyfriend, but getting engaged just made it different.
Post # 7
@worldtraveler: It depends on what issues you’re talking about. Cheating is a no go for me, in any situation, I feel it’s unforgivable. Blowing through our savings would be impossible because I control our accounts, but it’d really depend on what he was spending the money on. An operation for our dog, fixing the house/car, etc is understandable; spending money on booze, gambling, etc. not acceptable. Kids don’t really apply because we don’t plan on having any, but I would be willing to work on certain issues at anytime in the relationship and I would refuse to deal with others.
Post # 8
When we got married. We were commited when we became serious and engaged of course, but the ‘ultimate commitment’ was getting married to me. That was when just breaking up isn’t so easy anymore since it was legal. Up till then, even after being engaged, breaking up could have been as easy and jsut walking away and giving a ring back.
Post # 9
So the full question was: “At what point in your relationship would you be 100% committed to working through any really serious problems you might face instead of calling it quits?”
To those who voted only after you’re married; really? What was your policy before marriage then?
Post # 10
The whole “I’d be willing to work on these super f*&^ed up issues when we have kids” thing truly baffles me. If it’s not healthy enough for you to be around, why would it be ok for your kids to get dragged through? Having parents that are together is not more important than having positive role models. That includes not feigning being “ok” with things for the kids’ sake.
Post # 11
When I first began to feel married to him in my heart… personally, I had to work through a lot of past issues, and take things really slow. I had to be with him a few years, live in the same house, and make sure we were compatible before I felt 100% emotionally committed. I’m not doing a good job of explaining it. I guess what I’m trying to say is I wanted to see if we still loved each other after having been through good and bad, and the every day boring. Of course I always gave it my best when it came to resolving things, still do.
That being said, I would never stay in any kind of relationship, ever, if it became miserable–kids, marriage, house or none of the above. Absolutely I would do my hardest to fix everything first!! But in the long run if it’s just not happening (and I’m only one half of the equation), no way am I going to stay around and be miserable. Life is too short. I won’t permanently commit to misery… that makes no sense to me.
Post # 12
@crayfish: +1,000,000. This behavior also teaches the kids, “hey kids, it’s ok for mommy/daddy to be treated like crap, so one day it will be ok for your spouse to treat you crappy as well.” Bad example for self esteem.
Post # 13
For me, there are issues that, as an engaged person, I would absolutely have an easier time walking away from than I would as a married woman. If I am engaged to someone and they cheat/develop a drug addiction/ rob a bank or whatever…. I can 100% walk away, cut my losses, grieve and move on.
As a married woman, my commitment has been upped. Sure, the “ walking away” part is still an option, but it isn’t as easy and it is something I would think very, very long and hard over. I was faithful, loyal and committed to my husband when we were dating, engaged and now married. BUT, there are things now that I wouldn’t leave him over that I might’ve had he just been my boyfriend.
Post # 14
I don’t believe people should get married (or engaged) in the first place, if they aren’t truly 100% committed to their partner.
That said, I agree with @housebee that there are certain instances where things can’t be worked out (for a lot of people), such as cheating. And blowing through saving would also be an issue, especially if there were kids.
Post # 15
@frogprincess: This behavior also teaches the kids, “hey kids, it’s ok for mommy/daddy to be treated like crap, so one day it will be ok for your spouse to treat you crappy as well.”
I’ve seen this on emotional abuse threads, which is so sad.
Post # 16
@worldtraveler: If it was something like cheating, then yeah, probably after we had a kid.
I like to think we’d work through any problem now, though. We live together, hopefully engaged pretty soon!