(Closed) What do you do if you HATE one of FI's friends? Kinda long

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6222 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think this is one of those things where you can have your opinion, but you should only bring it up when it is relevant or when you are asked. If he wants to quit being friends with him, he will. Getting involved runs the risk of your Fiance resenting you, which isn’t worth it.

Post # 4
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would give my opinion but I wouldn’t do more then that.

Post # 5
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Leave it alone. You really don’t want to get between a guy and his BFF!

Either he’ll pull back, or they’ll be BFFs forever. You don’t want to get involved.

Post # 6
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s his friend, so it’s his choice. 

Post # 8
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like your Fiance needs to grow a backbone.

Post # 9
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

When your Fiance gets tired he will end the relationship. When the person asked him the question he is thinking about it and believe it or not men move slow but when they do it is deliberate. Give him time to cut ties because he will. Just be there for him in the meantime and be that soft place to land when it does happen.

 

BIG HUG

Post # 10
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My SO has a brother that I couldn’t stand from the moment I saw him, and a “friend” I also knew something was wrong with.

His brother let his true colors and feelings towards me show about five months after we started dating. I had never said anything to SO about my feelings towards his brother before then, other than just stating facts. (“He’s very charismatic.” “Why did he drop out of college twice?” “He quit his job again!!”) He tries to be nice to his brother, but finally stopped trying to get me to like him after that.

His “friend” I didn’t like from the start. He had been dating a girl for 6-7 years (as of now) and has cheated on her 2x that my SO knows of. I didn’t know this the first time I met him, and as we were driving home that night, I told SO that I didn’t feel comfortable being around that friend alone. He later told me one of his exes had cheated on him with this “friend” and another friend of a friend had been almost raped by this friend. They remained friendly for a few more months, and then this friend finally pissed my SO off enough that SO will no longer speak to him.

My suggestion is to just offer your opinion when asked, state absolutely un-debateable facts while giving your opinion. Be very rational when you comment on this “friend”. There is an emotion connection between these two, and if you try to make him choose, I feel like things will not go well.

Post # 11
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree… not much you can do but give your honest opinion when asked or when relevant only including undisputable facts. 

However, I do say if someone drags MY name through the mud, I’m going to have A LOT to say, and I’m going to say it to that person first chance I get privately (calmly and rationally cause it messes with their head) and then I’m done with them. Like “You X and I know it.  It’s really uncool and not something a friend would do.  I just want you to know that I know you’re doing it and I find it unacceptable  I don’t trust you and will be keeping my eye on you.”  That person may be around, but I know who they are and they know I know.   Oh and SO will know what I think (even if it’s friend or family) and probably a little less calmly cause I’m seriously annoyed and can say all the things to him I can’t say to the person and look all calm and reasonable.  Not to mention those types just feed on drama so if you participate in it you’re feeding them… hence the I know speil and done.

@Galang_Gyal:  “I’ve never known male friendships to be this dramatic and it hurts me to see him feeling bad because this kid is so up and down.”

My first thought reading that was a laugh (and not a mean one!).  Almost all my friends for years were male.  I’d have one or two female friends but it wasn’t til I moved to a new state at almost 30 and started working office that most of my friends are now women.  I’m a tomboy, so my current friendships thrive off opposites and not being the same so there’s no competition for anything.  Men are just as bad as women just in different ways! 

Worst I’ve seen is I have a good friend from high school who had a toxic friend like OP describes and it took him 15 years to finally say enough and drop the jerk completely.  We’re all people … and some people just suck.  I think sometimes friendships are like romatic relationships, it’s hard to let go… there’s all this history… but they’re great at X… blah blah.

 

Post # 12
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think both my Fiance and I have friends that the other person does not exactly like. I know for a fact that my Fiance thinks one of my friends is kind of a bitch and he certainly has a friend that makes me furrow my brow, to put it mildly. But we trust each other’s judgement, so even if we don’t wholly approve, we don’t make a big deal out of it.

My Fiance did have ONE friend that I actively despised but that friendship dissolved on its own after the so called friend tried to con my Fiance out of some money (long story). 

Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee

@Galang_Gyal:  My SO had a friend I can’t stand and the worst part is, I am the one who introduced them.  He was dating a really good friend of mine and we went on a double date.  After they broke up, he attached himself to my SO.  This guy is clingy. Some weekends, he comes over on a Friday night and doesn’t f-ing leave until Sunday night.  He lives right down the road from us.  

 

It came to somewhat of a head a few weeks ago.  This idiot has been complaining to his ex girlfriend (my friend!) about me.  Stating I’m a contolling bitch and he can tell my SO is miserable.   My SO is only with me because he has nowhere else to go…. you get the picture. 

Post # 14
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just wouldn’t hang around with him. If your Fiance wants to, great that’s his choice and he is free to make it but you don’t have to.  I had a friend my Fiance hated and he refused to go anywhere with her, which was fine by me. He would go to something if it was a large event and she’d be there, just wouldn’t go out 1:1 with her. 

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Galang_Gyal: A couple of things.

As others have said, you can’t and shouldn’t try to force your Fiance into ending this friendship (which I think you well realize). However, how their friendship affects you is definitely fair game, and your FI’s choice of friend could say something about him.

There’s the problem of the friend being an asshole, and then there’s the problem of how your Fiance deals with it when it relates directly to you. How did he respond to the friend’s attempts to “drag your name through the mud?” That to me is more concerning than what the friend actually says/does.

Also, of course, you are under no obligation to spend time with this man and I would recommend not doing so. Your Fiance should respect that, and if he doesn’t then that could point to a problem of him not respecting your wishes and opinions.

Also, your Fiance complaining about your own friends is not cool if he doesn’t even know them. Have you told him to stop?

Post # 16
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree that just disliking a jerk friend is something you kind of have to suck up until your SO realizes it himself. But – when that so called friend drags your ass into it, you don’t need to just take it.  First of all, if that’s not enough for your SO to realize what a dipshit the guy is, there’s a problem.  Second, your SO should be sticking up for you if this is the case.

If you weren’t brought into the drama, I would say that you could voice your concerns in a calm manner, perhaps let him know that you’re not ok with this friends behaviour or that you dislike him, and then leave it up to SO to figure out.  BUt now that you’re being slandered and treated poorly – I think that voicing your opinion is fair game.

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