Post # 1
Fiance has a best friend who I initially thought was cool. But recently I’ve been feeling worse and worse about him and the way he behaves…
- First of all I’ve come to realize he’s controlling, as evidenced by the way he treats his idiot girlfriend like he’s her father. It’s seriously disgusting to watch him give her permission for things and yell at her like she’s 5.
- Secondly, he’s manipulative/an instigator…when there’s a disagreement between other people in the group he’s always trying to put stuff in people’s heads to fan the fire and play the sides against each other even though they’re ALL friends! WTF!?
- Thirdly he’s spiteful and can’t let things go! Basically when something happens that gets him upset at Fiance he starts bringing up old stuff that was (supposedly) already squashed. Sometimes in arguments he will call Fiance names like cheap, greedy, manipulative, and pretty much any other word that actually describes himself! He even claimed he was going to sue Fiance one time when he said he owed him a sum of money, but that’s another idiotic story that I won’t even get into.
This is what I’ve come to realize about him over the course of my relationship with Fiance and it’s making me resent him. Especially after an event that happened most recently in which he once a-freaking-gain was trying to play sides against eachother, but this time including ME in it. His gf had something to do with this too and I already haven’t liked her from the door…so now I can’t stand either of them.
I always brushed the things he would do off like “Oh that’s just him, he’s overly emotional and dramatic” but recently Fiance was venting to his manager about him and she said bluntly, “Why are you even friends with him?” He didn’t have much of an answer, and the fact that she’s totally outside of the situation and was so confused by this friendship, it was like a wake up call to me. I don’t think this is normal for someone to treat their best friend this way! And I don’t want Fiance to be dealing with all this unecessary drama from someone who’s that hot and cold. It’s just that I feel weird saying anything because I don’t want to drive a wedge between them. Even though he seriously crossed the line with this most recent fiasco, I know they’ve had great times and he really is a funny guy. But I think there are times when you just have to let people go. Especially if the main things they’re adding to your life are stress and drama.
I just needed to vent about this. Does anybody have a take on this relationship? What would you do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I think this is one of those things where you can have your opinion, but you should only bring it up when it is relevant or when you are asked. If he wants to quit being friends with him, he will. Getting involved runs the risk of your Fiance resenting you, which isn’t worth it.
Post # 4
I would give my opinion but I wouldn’t do more then that.
Post # 5
Leave it alone. You really don’t want to get between a guy and his BFF!
Either he’ll pull back, or they’ll be BFFs forever. You don’t want to get involved.
Post # 6
It’s his friend, so it’s his choice.
Post # 7
@MeiFrancis: @Cady: @BrandNewBride: I told him my opinion for the first time today after this kid dragged my name through the mud. I guess it was like the last straw. It’s just awkward because now I know there’s all this tension, and there are all these events coming up where I’m going to have to be around him back…to back…to back. I guess I won’t mention it again BUT I should add that Fiance has badmouthed several of my friends claiming “they aren’t good friends” because of his own reasoning/opinions. And he doesn’t even know them and they don’t bring drama to my life the way this kid does to his. I’ve never known male friendships to be this dramatic and it hurts me to see him feeling bad because this kid is so up and down. Idk thanks for the responses I guess.
Post # 8
Sounds like your Fiance needs to grow a backbone.
Post # 9
When your Fiance gets tired he will end the relationship. When the person asked him the question he is thinking about it and believe it or not men move slow but when they do it is deliberate. Give him time to cut ties because he will. Just be there for him in the meantime and be that soft place to land when it does happen.
Post # 10
My SO has a brother that I couldn’t stand from the moment I saw him, and a “friend” I also knew something was wrong with.
His brother let his true colors and feelings towards me show about five months after we started dating. I had never said anything to SO about my feelings towards his brother before then, other than just stating facts. (“He’s very charismatic.” “Why did he drop out of college twice?” “He quit his job again!!”) He tries to be nice to his brother, but finally stopped trying to get me to like him after that.
His “friend” I didn’t like from the start. He had been dating a girl for 6-7 years (as of now) and has cheated on her 2x that my SO knows of. I didn’t know this the first time I met him, and as we were driving home that night, I told SO that I didn’t feel comfortable being around that friend alone. He later told me one of his exes had cheated on him with this “friend” and another friend of a friend had been almost raped by this friend. They remained friendly for a few more months, and then this friend finally pissed my SO off enough that SO will no longer speak to him.
My suggestion is to just offer your opinion when asked, state absolutely un-debateable facts while giving your opinion. Be very rational when you comment on this “friend”. There is an emotion connection between these two, and if you try to make him choose, I feel like things will not go well.
Post # 11
I agree… not much you can do but give your honest opinion when asked or when relevant only including undisputable facts.
However, I do say if someone drags MY name through the mud, I’m going to have A LOT to say, and I’m going to say it to that person first chance I get privately (calmly and rationally cause it messes with their head) and then I’m done with them. Like “You X and I know it. It’s really uncool and not something a friend would do. I just want you to know that I know you’re doing it and I find it unacceptable I don’t trust you and will be keeping my eye on you.” That person may be around, but I know who they are and they know I know. Oh and SO will know what I think (even if it’s friend or family) and probably a little less calmly cause I’m seriously annoyed and can say all the things to him I can’t say to the person and look all calm and reasonable. Not to mention those types just feed on drama so if you participate in it you’re feeding them… hence the I know speil and done.
@Galang_Gyal: “I’ve never known male friendships to be this dramatic and it hurts me to see him feeling bad because this kid is so up and down.”
My first thought reading that was a laugh (and not a mean one!). Almost all my friends for years were male. I’d have one or two female friends but it wasn’t til I moved to a new state at almost 30 and started working office that most of my friends are now women. I’m a tomboy, so my current friendships thrive off opposites and not being the same so there’s no competition for anything. Men are just as bad as women just in different ways!
Worst I’ve seen is I have a good friend from high school who had a toxic friend like OP describes and it took him 15 years to finally say enough and drop the jerk completely. We’re all people … and some people just suck. I think sometimes friendships are like romatic relationships, it’s hard to let go… there’s all this history… but they’re great at X… blah blah.
Post # 12
I think both my Fiance and I have friends that the other person does not exactly like. I know for a fact that my Fiance thinks one of my friends is kind of a bitch and he certainly has a friend that makes me furrow my brow, to put it mildly. But we trust each other’s judgement, so even if we don’t wholly approve, we don’t make a big deal out of it.
My Fiance did have ONE friend that I actively despised but that friendship dissolved on its own after the so called friend tried to con my Fiance out of some money (long story).
Post # 13
@Galang_Gyal: My SO had a friend I can’t stand and the worst part is, I am the one who introduced them. He was dating a really good friend of mine and we went on a double date. After they broke up, he attached himself to my SO. This guy is clingy. Some weekends, he comes over on a Friday night and doesn’t f-ing leave until Sunday night. He lives right down the road from us.
It came to somewhat of a head a few weeks ago. This idiot has been complaining to his ex girlfriend (my friend!) about me. Stating I’m a contolling bitch and he can tell my SO is miserable. My SO is only with me because he has nowhere else to go…. you get the picture.
Post # 14
I just wouldn’t hang around with him. If your Fiance wants to, great that’s his choice and he is free to make it but you don’t have to. I had a friend my Fiance hated and he refused to go anywhere with her, which was fine by me. He would go to something if it was a large event and she’d be there, just wouldn’t go out 1:1 with her.
Post # 15
@Galang_Gyal: A couple of things.
As others have said, you can’t and shouldn’t try to force your Fiance into ending this friendship (which I think you well realize). However, how their friendship affects you is definitely fair game, and your FI’s choice of friend could say something about him.
There’s the problem of the friend being an asshole, and then there’s the problem of how your Fiance deals with it when it relates directly to you. How did he respond to the friend’s attempts to “drag your name through the mud?” That to me is more concerning than what the friend actually says/does.
Also, of course, you are under no obligation to spend time with this man and I would recommend not doing so. Your Fiance should respect that, and if he doesn’t then that could point to a problem of him not respecting your wishes and opinions.
Also, your Fiance complaining about your own friends is not cool if he doesn’t even know them. Have you told him to stop?
Post # 16
I agree that just disliking a jerk friend is something you kind of have to suck up until your SO realizes it himself. But – when that so called friend drags your ass into it, you don’t need to just take it. First of all, if that’s not enough for your SO to realize what a dipshit the guy is, there’s a problem. Second, your SO should be sticking up for you if this is the case.
If you weren’t brought into the drama, I would say that you could voice your concerns in a calm manner, perhaps let him know that you’re not ok with this friends behaviour or that you dislike him, and then leave it up to SO to figure out. BUt now that you’re being slandered and treated poorly – I think that voicing your opinion is fair game.