(Closed) What do you do if your BM plans her wedding right before yours? [Long]

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

If you think it’s too much of a stretch, time and money wise, to be a bridesmaid in her wedding when it’s so close to your own, step down gracefully.  Hopefully she’ll understand.

We tell brides all the time here that you get one day.  So no, she is not being rude or inconsiderate for not planning her wedding date around yours.

Post # 4
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Step down and wish her well. I don’t think it’s exactly reasonable to expect someone to plan their wedding around yours.

Post # 5
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with sailor . As a bride you really only get one day and if you are unable to finacially, or workwise or even emotionally wise able to make her wedding please let her know now. 

Post # 6
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I know that this is going to sound harsh but she has a life outside of your wedding. Choosing her date based on what she wants, for whatever reason isn’t rude or inconsiderate. Have you asked her why she chose that date? Is it possible that she had to work things around the ability to get time off or that her venue wasn’t available when she wanted it? Maybe the officiant that they selected wasn’t able to do it on their day or the photographer. It could be that is when she wanted to get married and had nothing to do with the above.

Like sailor said – if it’s too much, step down. Just let her know that it is because of your own constraints and has nothing to do with you being upset that she booked her wedding ahead of yours otherwise she is likely to be really angry I would think.

Post # 7
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Sorry, but I agree with the PP. If you don’t think you’ll be able to afford it or that you think you’ll be doing too much that month, then respectfully step down. My best friend got married 2 weeks before me, and my roommate got married 3 weeks after me. I was in both weddings, and my best friend was my Maid/Matron of Honor. We made it work.

You can’t expect her to plan her wedding completely around yours. My friends and I had a great time planning our weddings together and bouncing ideas off of each other. I honestly can’t see a reason why you should be upset with her. It’s 3 weeks prior to your wedding. That’s plenty of time before yours…and again, if you can’t afford to go to her wedding or be in it, then maybe you should step down.

Edit: She’s not ignoring your emails b/c she knows she’s doing you wrong. She’s ignoring your emails b/c you’re stressing her out and making her wedding planning not enjoyable. If all you did was complain about how rude I’m being by having my wedding 3 weeks before yours, I’d ignore your emails too.

Post # 9
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@angelesta: Ok everyone dont lynch me here, BUT, you honestly can not control or expect to on some level dictate, when someone else wants to get married.  Just because your friends, doesnt mean you should have influence over that.  She should have as much free will in picking her time to get married as anyone, including like you did.  Does it happen to work out that it sucks a bit for you and is bad timing, yes.  Do you honestly think she sat and sorted out what would be the most difficult time for you, to do her wedding?  I rather doubt this was done in malice.

As for her laying off communication with you regarding her own wedding and likely yours, I’d imagine at this point she might feel somewhat like you are trying to control when she gets married and so on, and is a bit over it.  Really try to consider it from the other side.

Just do your best to focus on your own wedding and let go of the, what I feel, is unneccessary hurt over hers being right before yours.  Its a waste of emotion and you have your own wedding to focus on!

Post # 11
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@angelesta: Sorry but I think you owe your friend an apology. She probably isn’t acting upset about you mentioning you stepping down because she probably feels that if that’s what you want to do then why should she stop you? I’d be really hurt if this was me. She’s excited about her wedding and you get PO’d about the date. Ok so it’s not convenient – but few things in life are convenient. And weddings are very inconvenient for everyone. It’s just part of the deal.

Call your friend up and apologize. Explain to her that you’re excited to be there for her and you’ll find a way to make the scheduling work. She doesn’t owe you an explanation for why she picked her date. It’s her wedding, her call.

Post # 13
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i think you have every right to be upset – i could not imagine having to travel across country a few weeks before my wedding. BUT at the same time her life does not revolve around your wedding and they are entitled to whatever date they want.

i personally as a friend would have thought more about the date i chose – since i would want all my friends to be there.

i dont think there is much you can do – focus on your wedding and if you dont think you will have the means or time to fly out there i would back down with a smile on your face but honey its not worth stressing or getting upset over. Those who care for you will be at your wedding.

roadtripping to florida sounds fun! my Fiance and I did a roadtrip to miami a few years ago. loved it!

Post # 14
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Were you looking for actual advice, or for people to agree with you?

Post # 15
5800 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Theres a lot more to picking a date than one bridesmaids availability. I know when we were picking a date we had about 6 weekends in April/May that were off limits for a variety of reasons. For all you know she may be really torn up about choosing the weekend she did. I agree with Jrzygurl, I would call your friend and apologize for making her uncomfortable and promise to be supportive planning your weddings together. It sounds like she’s backing off because you are unhappy with her. I wouldn’t want to ruin a friendship over something like this.

Post # 16
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@angelesta: I understand why you are feeling hurt. We knew that our wedding would require people to travel long distances (and was therefore more complicated for guests to attend than a wedding in the same city). We have a core group of 15 or so people that we absolutely had to have there at our wedding, no matter what. When we were looking at different dates, we ran them by each of these people to make sure that it worked before we put down deposits. And if any of them (like my best friend who’s like a sister) had some sort of conflict, I absolutely would have picked a different date! Because, for me, I don’t want a wedding where she won’t be there to walk down the aisle with me and give a speech at the reception.

So, yes, I can see why you are hurt.

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