(Closed) What do you do if your BM plans her wedding right before yours? [Long]

posted 11 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 32
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand where you are coming from. It does add a lot of stress to your plans, but you can’t change it and I think the best thing for you to do at this point is accept it and move forward making the best decisions you can make for yourself. I personally would not have made the decision she made but I also don’t know if there were other people influencing her decision as well. 

Moving forward I would call her and talk to her. Accept her wedding as it and don’t even suggest she change it. You can ask why she chose that date and start planning how you will work it out together. When you feel like you are on the same team rather than opposing things tend to smooth themselves out. 

Post # 33
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry, but I do think you’re being unreasonable. You said that you would expect the courtesy of a month, but 3 weeks is only one week short of that, so I’m not seeing the big deal. If I were her, I wouldn’t be too upset about a supposed good friend stepping down from my wedding if she were going to claim the 3 weeks before her wedding as off limits for mine either. 

That being said, can we focus on the positives? This is over a year away! Everyone invited to both events has already received save the dates and knows about this now. For most people I know, vacation accrues over the year, so there’s no real difference between taking two long weekends three weeks apart and two long weekends three months apart. Everyone will have over a year to save and plan. Also, you have a year to DIY your heart out, knowing that three weeks before your wedding you have a commitment. Do you think other commitments won’t pop up before the wedding in that time? At least you know about this one now. And, if you were going to take a honeymoon after the wedding, you can do it without worrying about missing her wedding since it will be over.

I think this is one of those things that will work out in the end.

Post # 34
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You have more than a year’s notice to save up to go to her wedding, so it doesn’t really matter that it is right when other wedding expenses are due. You can plan for it now. I think a 3 week gap is fine.

Post # 35
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can see why it would bother you, but it’s not something that was worth mentioning, IMO and making things uncomfortable now.  My cousin made her wedding less than a month before mine and half our guest lists overlap, but at the end of the day, it’s not the biggest deal in the world, and everything will fall into place.  Did I say anything to her, of course not, we are going through the planning together and helping each other out, it’s great ๐Ÿ™‚  You have enough notice to make things work.  Just because it’s not something YOU would do, does not mean you can have the same expectations of her, and it doesnt make her less of a friend… try to understand her point, it’s hard enough finding a date that works for everyone, not to mention availability and vendors!  Let it go and you will both feel better.

Post # 36
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@angelesta: I’m so sorry! I’m also sorry that while there are differences of opinion on this topic that others haven’t been a little more understanding. ๐Ÿ™ Emotions are what they are, no matter how logical or unlogical they are, and thus they are valid. Personally I think it was probably rude of her to let you via STD, especially when you’ve been planning longer than her and hadn’t sent yours yet, but it is what it is, unfortunately. Sometimes love takes a sacrifice, and if you truly love her then you may have to be the mature one and sacrifice this for her and that can save your friendship. I understand the frustration, but I know that doesn’t make it easier. I am glad that you have been able to take the advice given here positively. And I’m sure your friend is also very excited about her wedding and possibly thinking about the “what if they choose her wedding instead of mine” if that’s an issue. It would be good to talk on the phone, let her know how you are feeling and how it came across, but not accusing her of being malicious and just open communication. Good luck!

Post # 37
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It is definitely an unfortunate situation.

However, I don’t think it is a “courtesy” to not plan your wedding within a month of your friends…what if yours was first, which is clearly what you want, would you want to miss hers because “we can’t spend all that money right after our wedding!” or “we’ll still be on our Honeymoon!” You have to ask yourself (and I have found this is good for a lot of wedding interpersonal questions) do you care more about the thing or the person. Do you care more about not travelling before your wedding, or your bridesmaid. That will tell you what to do!

Post # 38
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@angelesta I almost had this situtation with one of my BMs.  I completely understand your frustration.  You feel stuck because this is such a close friend.  I know everyone on here just wants you to watch out for yourself and take the high road.  But I understand the emotional component.  Its not going to be easy and I wish you the best of luck. 


Post # 40
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have been in this situation myself on both ends of things.  Fiance is very close with a small group of friends. They all started getting engaged in a row (six months apart). The second couple that got engaged decided because they needed to pay for their entire wedding themselves, they were going to set a wedding date that was two years down the line( July 2011). We were the next couple in the group to get engaged, and due to family sched and Out of Town family we set our date for one year from our engagement( May 2011). The other couple (well really the other bride to be) was upset that we would be getting married before her. I couldn’t believe it! Fiance asked me to call her, and explain why we chose our date in an effort to smooth things over (even though they are HIS friends not mine), and I did. Needless to say it caused a lot of discomfort for us at get togethers after the fact.

 

My shower is next weekend( April 10th). Her wedding date is July 3rd, so her shower is being planned for 2 weeks before my wedding. I am not sure I am going to make it to her shower, but she is coming to mine (ugghh here we go again with the drama). Hoping for the best.

 

On the other hand my BBF got engaged about six months after me. I was sooo excited and happy for her. She is planning an October 2011 wedding (mine is May 2011). We are very excited, and we have been helping each other plan all along. My Fiance (husband by then!) and I will be traveling to FL for the wedding, and can’t wait. Not one issue so far, and she is my MOH! She has been planning everything for me from FL ( I live in CT).

Good luck to you!

Post # 41
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I totally understand where you are coming from – now you might not be able to be in each others weddings, and friends will have to choose who’s wedding to go to!  I hope you 2 can work things out

Post # 42
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

one of my bms, who i considered one of my best friends, got engaged a few months after me, and got married 2 weeks before i did. that wasn’t a big issue for me–it was a little lame but i never said a word to her about it. but what really sucked was our bridal showers–mine, which was the morning after my bachelorette party, was scheduled before she even got engaged bc i had a lot of bms who lived out of town (including her) and i wanted to make it easy for them to plan ahead if they wanted to make it. (and by out of town, i mean dc-nyc–it’s a fairly cheap bus ride and all the girls stayed with me for the weekend, so it’s not like it was an expensive trip). she scheduled her bridal shower for the exact. same. day. now, it didn’t bother me as much that she couldn’t make my shower/bachelorette weekend bc that is a lot of time to ask for, but she didn’t care that i very, very obviously couldn’t come to hers??! cold!! i wrote her an email saying i was hurt and she wrote back saying she was sorry, but still. i don’t consider her as close a friend anymore at all.

Post # 43
Member
726 posts
Busy bee

i’m glad you’re feeling better about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 44
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I haven’t read all of the responses.  But I planned my wedding 3 weeks after a “friends” and she’s gone ape shit over it.  I’ve found a lot of comfort in these boards because this girl has been behaving like a crazy maniac over it.

What she did was not inconsiderate, malicious, or rude.  She could be getting married a week after you, week before you, or 2 weeks before or after.

Three weeks is A LOT of time.

Post # 45
Member
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Kimmers127: exactly what you said. Everyone is jumping on OP telling her she can’t be controlling. She is NOT trying to be controlling. She is hurt by the fact that her seemingly best friend has scheduled her wedding so close to hers knowing that it would cause problems and seeming so  indifferent about the whole thing. Can you all honestly say that this wouldn’t bother you a bit if one of your closest friends did this? I find that extremelly hard to believe.
However, it IS her right to choose whatever date she wants, so asking her to change the date is not reasonable.

OP, you have a right to be hurt, but truthfully, your options are limited. Either get over the hurt and be there for her 100% on her day or gracefully step down.

As far as competing for bridal shower dates and guests, guess you’ll just have to send out your invites first, now won’t you ? (Wink wink)

Post # 46
Member
10972 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Okay first off, I have to tell you how refreshing it is to hear that I am not the only one who is going through this.  One of my bridesmaids (long time friend) got engaged also about a month or two after I did, and inititally thought it would be okay to plan her wedding for the day after mine! Right??  Ridiculous.

Fast forward, she settled on July 4th, 2 months before my wedding. At the time, I was furious and just so  uncool with the fact that she was stepping on my toes (and on top of that, I was expecting Maid/Matron of Honor but her Fiance decided no wedding party).  Since then, I’ve given it all some thought, and to be honest, planning my wedding side by side with her has been a blessing. I have someone who knows exactly what I’m going through, and who I can check in with on deadlines and the like. She’s slightly ahead of me in the game, which means my life is just a little easier.

That being said, I totally understand the level of stress related to this issue, but I say, do your best to embrace it.  It’s hard to swallow when you first hear about it, but hopefully as time passes, you can manage to find peace with it like I have.

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