(Closed) What do you do if your bridesmaids do not want to throw you a shower?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I guess you really can’t make them do it, but I know where your coming from. My Maid/Matron of Honor backed out on me because she didn’t want to have to foot the bill for the party – like that’s why I asked her or something. So she’s just aBM now.


I’d explain to them that you are a bit hurt, and though they may think the showers and parties are useless it’s something you’ve been looking forward to. Express that you don’t want them to pay for it all or rent a 40 person coach bus for the bachlorette party – but this is your time, your year and you really would like to have one.

Looks like you’ll have to plan some of it on your own which is a downer but I think it’s better then not having one.

How are the moms in all this? My Mother-In-Law and Step mom are going to be throwing mine because I know my bridesmaids might not be able to do it all.  


Good luck – keep us updated! 

Post # 4
29 posts
  • Wedding: July 2008

That’s such a bummer! It’s a shame to have to foot the bill at many of these parties, but I think it’s still very reasonable to go bar hopping or even a girl’s night in type bachelorette party. It’s very reasonable to ask attendees to pay for their own covers/food/alcohol. Would offering to help plan something help them get into party planning gear? And maybe it could all be in one day (shower early and bachelorette that night)?

Post # 5
22 posts
  • Wedding: January 2008

You could have an inclusive rehearsal dinner, lunch or party the day before the wedding, inviting all the guests. A cost-effective option would be a nice BBQ or mingle-worthy finger food-type get together. That would be a great way to get everyone together and acquainted before the ceremony the next day. Bridal showers are usually women-only, anyway. If you really want a shower (and who doesn’t?!), bridesmaids are not the only ones who can throw you a shower–another friend, maybe a close coworker can do the honors. You should try not to co-host your own shower! Remember that you’ll be "showered" with presents, and hosting your own shower could have a "gimme" feel, rather than the nice mixer that you have in mind.

Post # 6
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

O. M. G.  Am I the only one that wants to personally get their addresses and smack them?!  I don’t know your friends at all, and I’m sure they are good people and that’s why they are your friends, but they are really being inappropriate.  It’s common knowledge that bridesmaids have duties, the main one being planning and going to the bridal shower.

First of all, my only guess for why they might not plan on throwing one (besides them being lazy, awful people) is that they think you don’t want one.  Think about whether you’ve done something to spark this thought.  Are you the type of bride that has made light of the wedding planning?  Are you having a casual wedding?  Have you made fun of many of the traditional wedding festivities?  Or in the past, have you mentioned how silly weddings or shower are?  If so, perhaps they have it in their mind that they are doing you a favor by not making a big deal of it.

Whether this is the case or not, you want a shower and that’s all that matters.  Be blunt.  Tell them that you want the bridal shower and the memories (and gifts hehe) that come with it.  Tell them that generally bridesmaids and the Maid/Matron of Honor plan, throw, and come to the shower.  Ask if they are willing to do that.  As awkward as it to have to ASK someone to throw you a shower, you really have no choice.  If they are complete monsters and tell you that they can’t or won’t, seek out someone else.  While etiquette says that your immediate family (mom, sister) cannot throw you a shower, most etiquette says that a more distant relative or someone from the groom’s side can absolutely throw you a shower.  Approach your mother-in-law, a sister of your fiance’s, one of your aunts, or possibly one of your non-BM friends.  Tell them what’s going on and I bet they’d be happy to take on the role.  Just don’t expect anything too elaborate, because the person will know it’s not really their job to throw it so they won’t drop $500 into food and decor.

Personally, to avoid all of this, I would just have the one Bridesmaid or Best Man that has expressed a willingness to help throw it.  Have her announce to the others that she’s throwing it!

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