(Closed) What do you do when the one you love has nothing but bad luck? Sorry, long.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Omgbunnies:  

It sounds like the primary reason you are asking whether you should be with this man, is because he’s got what sound like at least depression and some other issues. These issues stem partially from his home surroundings and current situation – and that he’s not getting any help/sufficient support to combat it. 

I’m going to give you the most honest answer – IF you truly LOVE this man, and know you have, stand by him and help him get help. Help him get out of his current home situation, help him find a job in his field and find a way to get professional help. 

Do so while being supportive, loving, and caring with the “I love him, he’s in a rough patch.” 

My FH and I sound very similar…

We were friends for years before we started dating. 

Shortly after we started dating, I left my home for a $250 a month hole-in-the-wall apartment to get away from a less than ideal, borderline abusive home situation. I had no job waiting for me, was tight on cash and was living on prayers while being severely depressed. 

He was strugging with self confidence issues and ballooned up to 300 pound, causin ghim to struggle with confidence and body issues. 

It wasn’t easy, but we’ve lovingly pushed each other towards a better future. It’s made our relationship that much stronger. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

@Omgbunnies:  ((Hugs!)) I really feel for you. I think I lived part of your story – when I think about what went wrong with my ex, I think it honestly comes down to the fact that he had continual bad luck. We connected well emotionally and our conversations were easy. (And I’m very shy, so that’s rare for me). But things were ALWAYS going wrong in his life – a car accident, a sick cat, a bipolar sister, a bankrupt mother, an angry boss. It was NEVERENDING, and I started to feel like our life together would be one calamity after another. And I’m normally a very patient and empathetic person, but I couldn’t get over the fact that it seemed like some of these problems were ones that he brought on himself. He didn’t have the ambition to finish his schooling, so he ended up stuck in a frustrating job. He spent frivolously and ended up in debt. He didn’t cut toxic people out of his life, and instead let himself keep getting reeled into their drama. And he always, always complained without ever taking steps to make changes in his own life or behavior that would improve the situation.

I realized that as much as I cared for him, I couldn’t live that life with him, and I’m very glad I ended it. My SO now is amazing, and one of the most optimistic people I’ve ever met. The future I envision with my current SO is so much brighter and more joyful than anything I could have pictured with my ex.

That said, our situations are quite different – you have a son and your SO is amazing with him, and in general it sounds like your SO is a much better man than my ex. I have no idea what I would do if I were in your shoes. Perhaps he’s truly depressed, and would benefit from medication? Also, I’ve heard that regular exercise is as beneficial in treating depression and improving mood as therapy or medication – do you think you could convince your SO to start exercising with you, if he’s not regularly active? Maybe you could see if that helps lift his mood?

Post # 5
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Omgbunnies:  Does his school offer any counseling? Most colleges do and my fiance was able to use it and says it helped him tremendously. You should do whatever you think is right for you, my fiance’s family and the drama that followed him was sometimes very difficult to deal with, and as with your bf most of it was not even his fault. These situations make him depressed and anxious sometimes, and of course that affects me. But I know he always tries and is actively trying to not let that stuff affect how he lives his life now and for me it counts for a lot. 

Post # 6
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I also wanted to add – another poster mentioned in a previous thread that most universities that have a clinical psychology program offer very affordable counseling to the community, on a sliding fee scale. The counselors are students in the program, and they are very closely supervised – I think the level of care is pretty high, and at least they’re up-to-date on the latest methods. So that’s another possible option…

 

Post # 7
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in a similar situation and I’m sticking it out. It just wears you down. I completely understand.

 

 

It helps to give reminders about being positive. Nobody wants to hear complaining and bad news all the time.

Post # 9
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If it weren’t for the wonderful relationship he has with your son, do you think you’d still be with him?

Post # 11
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

@Omgbunnies:  *virtual hugs* Please stay strong for him, your kid and yourself. I had a similar emotional problem with you a few months ago. That was a point where we both so depressed and nothing went our way. Bad luck kept happening and at one point we thought there was no way out. 

At that time, it was hard to stay positive, but we managed to survived. The key to this is to encourage him and show respect… always. Every single day! This little thing helps him to build confidence and happiness. He knows he can rely on you and trust you with everything. it also helps to keep a good faith in him, like I did. Our case was similar to you like we are waiting for a certain month and an event to happen, I never lose a single faith in him and now I’m so happy and proud of what he has achieved.

Remind him constantly that life is like a wheel, you will get to the top once you reach the bottom. If he has a positive mind, he will do and feel better. It’s just how the brain works. And tell him that if you can stay strong though this, you are ready for anything! Also tell him that you are so proud of him no matter what. He might not need an intense expensive counselling because you can help him.

But first of all, sort out yourself first. Make a plan on how you want to help him. Affirmation helps too! Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I would definitely stick it out at least until he graduates/gets another job/his own place. I really think that some people are situationally depressed and some people are just mopey people. It is kind of hard to tell when he’s in a bad situation! It seems entirely possible that a new job and moving out would make him an over-all happier person. 

Post # 13
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@SandyDollHair:  Exactly.  Right now SO and I are in a rough spot financially and he is looking for work, when he has not had to look for work in years.  It is a blow to the ole self confidence and I’d be lying if I said most days were easy peasy.  I just try and build him up and reinforce any doubt with a happy thought.  I also always remind him how much I believe in him.

Hang in there.   I think getting through something like this (or other equally difficult situations) does make you stronger, but like you, I do wonder if it’s meant to be this hard.  I love him with all my heart though, so I am willing to stick it out.

Post # 15
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Omgbunnies:  I completely understand. It’s hard, but we’re there for the ups and downs.  Being with SO has taught me that.  *hugs*  Hope you both have a great day today!

Post # 16
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@CorgiTales:  ditto.

i would think over it again when the situation with his job and own place to live gets better. and until then – stay supportive and caring for him as much as he is for you. [hugs]

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