(Closed) What do you do when you snoop and discover lies?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

marriedwithdogs:  That he’s doing any drugs would be the bigger issue for me, not just lying about the amount. That being said, counseling to regain trust. This happened with my ex husband. I snooped and found stuff, we went to counseling. Trust is a very, very difficult thing to get back once it’s gone, though. Lots of work.

Post # 4
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

If he’s lying, that’s one thing. If he’s lying about drugs, he’s and addict and that’s an entirely different issue. I don’t think you even need to mention the snooping. The bigger issue should be deciding if you want to stay in this relationship. Confronting him won’t change his behavior in any way. Either accept it or move on. 

Post # 5
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would suggest separate accounts, and he gives you the amount you need for bills every month.

I also feel like snooping is kind of justified when you find something, particularly when you lwt that person know you look every once in a while.

Post # 6
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I do not think it’s “snooping” if it’s affecting your joint bank account/money. Plus, he’s your Darling Husband who should have zero issues with you looking through his phone and vice versa.  Lying, from experience, never leads to anything good. I would tell him what you found and demand that he seek counseling on his own.  If he’s lying about this then he’s going to lie about other things. I promise.

Post # 7
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

marriedwithdogs:  looking at your last response I’m surprised you are even asking for advice. If this is the life you choose to live, you have to expect that your SO will lie. 

Post # 8
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

first off, neither of you should be doing drugs. who has ever had a life of drug use and said ‘oh boy im so glad i did that! it really got me somewhere and i feel so accomplished!” just ask around. or go to a ca meeting. or aa etc. he might need to go to rehab. get rid of the drugs first, then tackle the lying and if neither of that works divorce is in order. lying-drug use-stealing does not equal happy or successful marriage.

Post # 12
Member
2318 posts
Buzzing bee

There should be no reason to lie.  Maybe if you each had an allowance to spend how ever you want and a seperate account for it there would be no reason to lie.  But if you already have that and he is starting to dip into your househould money may indicate that something is going on with him that really needs attention.  

So you have a few issues that need addressing: Money, Drug use, lies

I think you should prioritize these things and figure out what your part is in all of this so that you are not just point fingers.  You will need to be accountable for your actions if you want to be accountable for his.  If you want to go to counseling that may be a good way to start the conversation.  

“I would really like to seek some counseling because I feel like we need some outside help.  I found out that you have not told me the whole truth about spending money and drug use.  I feel bad for snooping and know that I shouldn’t have done it but I am worried about our future and you have every right to be angry about my actions. I want to be able to trust you because I love you and I dont want to start this conversation without some professional help so we can work through this quickly and happily.  Im going to start to see someone next week for help.  When would you like to go see someone together?”

Maybe not a speech that long though. Is he generally open to getting help and working on your marriage?

Post # 13
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

 Just came to say sounds like you both could use some help. What kind of drugs are you guys using?

 

Post # 15
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

marriedwithdogs:  tell the truth about snooping.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that I felt insecure and vulnerable, which led to snooping. He lies to you because he doesn’t trust you with the truth, and you snoop because you don’t trust him. I’d seek counselling.

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