Post # 1
Member
11 posts
Newbee
Hey Bees,
New here but I’ve been following many threads for quite awhile. Not lurking anymore! To make a long story short, I looked through my husband’s phone and discovered that he most likely has been lying to me about how much drugs he’s buying and how much he’s spending on them. Within the last week he has lied to me twice, and he before that I caught him in a completely different lie and when I gave him the chance to fess up, before I told him I already knew what had gone on (without snooping – there was a sketchy charge showing on our joint bank account) he still chose to lie. What do you do when you do something you shouldn’t, like snoop, and discover things aren’t as they seem? Right now I’m very pissed off and he’s not coming home until sometime in late afternoon. Do I just admit I snooped and tell him what I know? We’ve had issues like this in the past where my looking around in his computer, etc, has led me to discover stuff he shouldn’t be doing. Advice? Commiseration? I feel bad for snooping but satisfied that my concerns are legitimate.
Post # 2
Member
5938 posts
Bee Keeper
marriedwithdogs: That he’s doing any drugs would be the bigger issue for me, not just lying about the amount. That being said, counseling to regain trust. This happened with my ex husband. I snooped and found stuff, we went to counseling. Trust is a very, very difficult thing to get back once it’s gone, though. Lots of work.
Post # 3
Member
11 posts
Newbee
RedHeadKel: At this point counseling has been on my mind but the bigger issue I’m having is how to address this with him in the first place. Right now I don’t feel like I can trust him. The main issue for me is not the drugs themselves (we do some drugs together, including what’s he’s been lying about buying, on occasion) it’s the fact that he’s telling me he’s spending, for example, $100 when in reality the actual amount is double that. He’s lying about who he got it from and for how much, which makes me wonder how much money he’s spent that I haven’t know about up to this point.
Post # 4
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
If he’s lying, that’s one thing. If he’s lying about drugs, he’s and addict and that’s an entirely different issue. I don’t think you even need to mention the snooping. The bigger issue should be deciding if you want to stay in this relationship. Confronting him won’t change his behavior in any way. Either accept it or move on.
Post # 5
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
I would suggest separate accounts, and he gives you the amount you need for bills every month.
I also feel like snooping is kind of justified when you find something, particularly when you lwt that person know you look every once in a while.
Post # 6
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
I do not think it’s “snooping” if it’s affecting your joint bank account/money. Plus, he’s your DH who should have zero issues with you looking through his phone and vice versa. Lying, from experience, never leads to anything good. I would tell him what you found and demand that he seek counseling on his own. If he’s lying about this then he’s going to lie about other things. I promise.
Post # 7
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
marriedwithdogs: looking at your last response I’m surprised you are even asking for advice. If this is the life you choose to live, you have to expect that your SO will lie.
Post # 8
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
first off, neither of you should be doing drugs. who has ever had a life of drug use and said ‘oh boy im so glad i did that! it really got me somewhere and i feel so accomplished!” just ask around. or go to a ca meeting. or aa etc. he might need to go to rehab. get rid of the drugs first, then tackle the lying and if neither of that works divorce is in order. lying-drug use-stealing does not equal happy or successful marriage.
Post # 9
Member
11 posts
Newbee
tsavoy: I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve wanted to stop doing certain things for awhile and this might be the kick in the ass I need.
Post # 10
Member
11 posts
Newbee
daisybee90: Thank you for not passing judgment. I do feel like it’s more justified considering I found something, and agree he shouldn’t have an issue with me being in his phone at all though that’s generally not something we do. I also agree that he will lie about other things and just recently he has.
Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee
bgswifey: Thank you. Something’s definitely gotta give and I can’t live with someone if I can’t trust them, that’s for sure.
Post # 12
Member
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
There should be no reason to lie. Maybe if you each had an allowance to spend how ever you want and a seperate account for it there would be no reason to lie. But if you already have that and he is starting to dip into your househould money may indicate that something is going on with him that really needs attention.
So you have a few issues that need addressing: Money, Drug use, lies
I think you should prioritize these things and figure out what your part is in all of this so that you are not just point fingers. You will need to be accountable for your actions if you want to be accountable for his. If you want to go to counseling that may be a good way to start the conversation.
“I would really like to seek some counseling because I feel like we need some outside help. I found out that you have not told me the whole truth about spending money and drug use. I feel bad for snooping and know that I shouldn’t have done it but I am worried about our future and you have every right to be angry about my actions. I want to be able to trust you because I love you and I dont want to start this conversation without some professional help so we can work through this quickly and happily. Im going to start to see someone next week for help. When would you like to go see someone together?”
Maybe not a speech that long though. Is he generally open to getting help and working on your marriage?
Post # 13
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee
Just came to say sounds like you both could use some help. What kind of drugs are you guys using?
Post # 14
Member
11 posts
Newbee
Lokie85: We have only one joint account into which all of our money is deposited – both of our paychecks and the money he makes from doing odd jobs (he works in the trades and often helps friends on jobs to make extra cash). The money he seems to have spent, or be spending, is taken from cash that’s not yet deposited or withdrawn from our joint account. For the issue at hand, that I discovered this morning, there is a withdrawal from our joint account from the day before for the same amount.
To be clear, the drug use is an occasional, agreed-upon thing (maybe once every couple of months) that is by no means affecting us financially (we own a home and have 5 pets, there is no concern about not having enough money to meet our needs and them some). Yet. However, making discoveries like this obviously means that something is going on that I’m not totally aware of. Even if it is just him lying about the price, that is not okay.
I think I need to hear his side of the story and take it from there. I don’t believe right now that he is doing these drugs when I’m not around, but you never know. Lying about this unfortunately means he could be lying about anything and that’s not something I want in a spouse.
Post # 15
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
marriedwithdogs: tell the truth about snooping.
If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that I felt insecure and vulnerable, which led to snooping. He lies to you because he doesn’t trust you with the truth, and you snoop because you don’t trust him. I’d seek counselling.