Post # 1
So my Fiance and I come from two very different families. While his isn’t small they are very disconnected. He has no relationship with his cousins, aunts, uncles or really his grandparents. A few of them live in different states but the others were just rude and said a lot of extremely mean things to him (example: his grandpa made fun of his weight and called him a faggot for having long hair) so he just cut them out of his life. His mother favors his sister and he and his dad aren’t really close. And when I say his mother favors his sister I mean that if his sister wanted to do something with Future Mother-In-Law the same day as our wedding she would skip our wedding (she did it once already with FI’s other brother).
My family is the complete opposite. We are all very close and there are a lot of us. I mean A LOT of us. Our family reunions take up an entire 100+ space camping ground.
My Fiance told me today that he “doesn’t want to invite everyone and their mother” which to him means him inviting around 9 people (the people in his family he talks to and a couple friends) and me doing the same. He said he doesn’t want everyone to be there just for me.
I have 8 brothers and sisters, my mom, my step dad, my dad and his new wife. That’s 12 people just in my immediate family and doesn’t include any of my sisters’ husbands or kids, none of my aunts, uncles or cousins or my grandparents and at that rate I wouldn’t have a bridal party because none of my friends could come.
I tried explaining that everyone wouldn’t be there just for me, that they all know and love him to and they would be there for US.
I know its not completely his fault his family isn’t close and he doesn’t want to invite many of them, but mine would be beyond deeply hurt if I excluded them from being at my wedding. An after the fact reception would just be a slap in the face to them. To them it would be saying “You weren’t good enough to be at my real wedding but here is a consolation prize.”
My Fiance really doesn’t want to budge on this but I really don’t want to hurt my family and friends because his family are a bunch of jerks. He has called me selfish for wanting my family there and says that I need to stand by him.
Bees I don’t want to choose my Fiance or my family but I really don’t know what to do about this.
Post # 3
Your Fiance is acting like a petulant child. Because he is feeling hurt by a lack of family relationships, he wants you to feel the same way.
If he expects you to stand by him, he has an equal obligation to stand by you.
The people who attend weddings are there to support the couple, not just the bride or the groom.
If you can’t come to some sort of compromise on this issue, I suggest that you give pre-marital counselling a try.
Post # 4
I totally agree with @julies1949:
FWIW-My parents treated my husband like their own, until their dying days.
Post # 5
And mine will do the same. When I tried to tell him that he just got mad and said “stop trying to replace my family. They may not be as wonderful as yours (wonderful highly sarcastic) but they mine.” Not what I was trying to do at all but thats how he took it.
Post # 6
Does anyone else have thoughts other than premarital counseling?
Post # 7
do not give in to his plea bee! you deserve and your family deserves to share that day with you both! This is more than you two joining forces, you are connecting familes as well, he should totally embrace how much love and support he has in his “new” family with you and not build a wall between yours and his… you really need to take this seriously
Post # 8
Although I don’t feel like you should leave out family members you want to be there, I can understand where he is coming from. I would be upset if my wedding was going to be comprised of 90% of his family and only a handful of people on “my side.” Also I agree that I don’t feel like FI’s family is as much “my family” as well . . my actual family. So that doesn’t help.
Is his issue with the proportion of his friends and family and yours or the total size of the wedding? If it’s a proportion issue perhaps inviting more of his friends would help him feel better?
Post # 9
Dh comes from a small family and I come from 7. Sine we agreed on 25 Ppl each,my guest list couldn’t include my friends. He included a # of his friends. Yes I wasn’t happy when his friends didn’t show but since I had our wedding dinner @ a restaurant, we were able to subsitute.
Post # 10
We’re in a watered-down version of this situation. I have a bigger family, and we’re very close. We keep regular contact with our extended family, and we also have a network of extremely close family friends who have been like family my entire life. FI has a small, disconnected family. He won’t be inviting some of his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins because of family drama. He probably won’t even be inviting his own brother because they have trouble being in the same room.
I told Fiance that it was important to me that the people who have loved and supported me my whole life are there, and he understands. As much as he’d like to keep the guest list very small and balanced, it’s more important to him that I get to be surrounded by the people who matter to me. You should tell your Fiance why you want the people you want there to be there, and he should understand. If he doesn’t, then that’s a big problem. You can count all your mutual friends as his guests, and try to cut out the people on your list who you wouldn’t miss too much, but in the end there isn’t some magic solution that will make his family bigger/closer or your family smaller. If he can’t understand why you want the people you’re close to there, I’m going to have to agree with julies1949 and suggest premarital counseling.
Post # 11
Post # 12
Wow. I am your Fiance in this situation–I have maybe 12 people on my “side” and he has more than I feel like counting right now but probably around 60 just for family. What we’re doing is taking the number of his family and doubling it–friends and my family will fill in the spaces and we’re planning on about 130 people. I’m not embarrassed about the lack of people from my family, after the wedding, they will all be our family together. Plus, my family isn’t all that great as a whole so I am happy they are not there. I wouldn’t dream of making Fiance limit his family invites to match mine.
Really, unless he realizes how unreasonable he is being, you guys need premarital counseling, stat. Don’t cave and don’t marry him without it.