(Closed) What do you expect from your bridesmaids + one other quick question.

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Is she just a friend? Were you in her wedding? Do you think she expected to be asked? We were discussing this the other day and my one male friend asked, if someone doesn’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, can’t they just say no? And my best friend and I were like, well, not really. Most people would feel obligated to say yes. 

So I think giving her the out is OK as long as you take the direction of, I know you have a lot going on…not, You haven’t been that great with wedding planning. 

My girls are fine. I just have to MOHs, my sister and my best friend. They were both already married so they know the drill. I’m just recently engaged so there isn’t too much I need from them. I am going to try and be super laid back. I didn’t even want a shower but my aunt insisted. I also want to plan my own bachelorette party so they don’t have to. They each have young children too. 

Post # 4
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sheepandbear:  

maybe you could just say something like”i know you been going through some stuff,i want you to know im here for you,is there anything i can do?i know my wedding may be to much on you at this time and if it is,please let me know,you can tell me anything,i will understand”

 

then see what she says,if it seems to much on her then you could just ask her if she would just like to come as a guest,that you understand if thats all she can handle right now.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

My Maid/Matron of Honor was my SIL. So whenever we would hang out, she would ask me how my planning was going. I’d give a 3-5 minute overview and then move on to a new subject. Wedding planning was my responsibility and I had it fully under control. Besides, with her own career, husband, young child, etc. she had her own life to be concerned with. There was no reason for my wedding to be her burden.

I did take her up on an offer of help in the last week of planning. My grandfather died 6 days before my wedding, so I needed to switch from wedding prep to funeral planning and implementation. Maid/Matron of Honor finished up my last DIY project, making drink menus for the rehearsal dinner.

IMO, being a wedding party member realy only requires showing up for the rehearsal, being there on the wedding day, and wearing an agreed-upon outfit. Other stuff may be nice, but wedding party members can’t just stop the things that are going on in their own lives in order to please the bride and groom for the duration of wedding planning. I mean, I don’t see guys getting upset because their groomemen aren’t excited about the color of their tux vests or interested in discussing the flowers. So why do we think it’s logical to get upset when our bridesmaids are equally disinterested?

Post # 8
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

IMO, BMs should be supportive during the wedding planning process. In other words, to me simply showing up for the rehearsal and properly dressed on the wedding day is NOT enough. The women I selected are close to me and should want to be there for me during the planning process as I would be for theirs. So they should be willing to meet to select/try on dresses, offer feedback when requested and yes, offer to do a few things to ease the process. Now I am NOT talking about being servants. But offer to help, yes – unless they are not in the area at all.

As a Bridesmaid or Best Man in quite a few weddings, I have offered feedback when requested, assembled favors, addressed invitations, picked up supplies, helped with decorating, etc.

IMO, if someone’s life is so busy that they can’t do anything besides “show up” on the big day, then they should gracefully decline to be in the wedding party.

Post # 10
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@trueblue14:  

i so agree with you.

i know alot of people say that a bridesmaid only needs to show up.i disagree.

when you ask someone to be a bridesmaid you are asking them to be part of your wedding,which includes things such as asking the bride if they need help with anything.if there is going to be any partys before the wedding like bridal shower,the bridesmaid should help in anyway she can,whatever help she is able to offer,it doesnt have to be about money,they can help in other ways.

 

i dont think they need to do everything the bride wants them to or everything she may ask,or drop everything for her,but there are only a few things that a bridesmaid should be apart of,like dress shopping if the bride needs them,help with a diy project the bride may need help with and help with any partys before the wedding.

they dont need to help with money if they cant,but they should be a support for the bride and apart of a few things before the wedding.it really isnt to much to ask.

thats just my thoughts on it,and no one else here has to agree.if i was asked to be a bridesmaid i would feel horrible if i didnt offer support or help in anyway,i might not be able to do much or give much,but i would do what i could,when i could.

 

i have had only one bridesmaid offer help,and im so glad she did because i was so clueless on anything wedding related,i dont know what i would do without her.with that said,i dont ask her for anything,she ask me what i need when she has time and can help.and i will always be greatful,and i will always be there for her if she needs me.

 

i will say life kicks us in our butts at times and can knock us on our knees,and if any of my bridal party is going through a hard time that was not foreseen before i ask them to be in the wedding,i would not exspect anything and i would be the one asking what i could do for them. 

i asked everyone before hand to think about if they want to be apart of our bridal party,i let them know they would be responsible for their wedding attire and how much it will be.so i think before a bride ask for a yes or no answer from the girls she ask to be bridesmaids,she should let them know what she exspects of them so the girls can think if they can handle being a bridesmaid.

 

geez,years ago bridesmaids jumped at the chancce to be in their friends wedding if they wanted and were excited to help be apart of the planning process with the bride.i know times changed and life is tuff,but dont accept the part if your not gonna offer a thing other then show up

 

 

Post # 11
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My bridesmaids care a lot about my wedding, and I appreciate that more than words can say. I have 2 best friends; one being my Maid/Matron of Honor and one a Bridesmaid or Best Man plus my 2 much younger sisters as BMs. My sisters are 10 years my junior and still in high school, so I haven’t expected much from them in terms of interest but they helped my Fiance and I put together all of our invitations and they’ve come to fittings and even listened to me talk about everything bridal. For 15 year olds, they have surprised me just a little!

My Maid/Matron of Honor and closest friend, has been there from the beginning, giving opinions, planning an amazing bridal shower and an equally amazing bachelorette etc. My other best friend and Bridesmaid or Best Man has been very interested as well. Since she is also engaged, we have been going through a lot of the same stuff, so she definitely relates to a lot of what I’m going through. Unfortunately her father was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so she flew to Europe (where he lives) to be with him right before my shower. She still helped plan it, and was there in spirit. As a genuinely concerned friend though, I told her the wedding is the least of her worries and to be with her family. Fast foward to this weekend. She flew back early just so she could attend my bachelorette. She told me she wouldn’t make it back but out of the blue showed up on my doorstep literally to surprise me. So although I have gotten way too far into this, to answer your question, yes they care (and should IMO). And although she was on another continent of the world, she skyped my Maid/Matron of Honor daily and helped plan my bachelorette too. I will say with the conclusion to this story that they are the most amazing women I know.

A lot of people on this website think BMs don’t have to be so amazing and only need to show up. I agree to an extent (my friends went above and beyond the call of duty IMO) – but I genuinely believe that if you care about someone and their relationship (like my friends do) that you act accordingly. My Bridesmaid or Best Man who’s also engaged has had my support from day 1. Although my wedding is 1 year before hers, I am 100% there for her trying to help her every step of the way, because I genuinely want to. I guess not everyone feels or thinks the way I do which is perfectly fine. Point is, you can have a million things going on in your life but I think it’s still fair to expect people to be there for you (within reason), otherwise why not have them just be a guest? I also want to say that something like a family emergency (like my friend had) or anything equally serious definitely trumps wedding duties! I don’t mean to start a debate, as this is my personal opinion on the matter. But I don’t think you are wrong OP in feeling the way you feel. Best of luck with your situation.

 

Post # 12
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee

Im a Maid/Matron of Honor for my Maid/Matron of Honor. Her wedding is this july and mine is next June. In her party it’s me and her pregnant sister. needless to say, I have planned everything myself, have gone to countless appointments and made sure to be around to support her emotionally. She doesn’t even live in the state her wedding is in, so I’ve really had to step up. On the otherhand though, she’s been a little distant when it comes to my wedding. I dont expect any of my Bridesmaid or Best Man to help, mainly becuse the 4 of mine have showed no interest, but my Maid/Matron of Honor i felt like should let me talk about my stuff for a few minutes. I know she’s stressed, but honestly I have taken alot of stress from her all that’s left to plan for are the invites and the table decor. I feel like she could try a little harder to make me feel special like i did for her, but I’m sure it’ll be closer to August when she’s ready to be availabe for me, if i still have a wedding party by then. Lol

Post # 13
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sheepandbear:  All I want is my Bridesmaid or Best Man to buy the dress and show up!  Anything above and beyond that are bonuses! So far, it’s worked out fine! i understand people have lives outside of my wedding!

As for your part 2 – I had a friend going through a lot when I got engaged. I wanted her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man so I took her to lunch and told her I[‘d love for her to be a bridesmaid but understand she has a lot going on right now and would understand if she wasn’t able to.  She took that conversation well and said without a doubt she’d be a bridesmaid!  I don’t think it hurts to show sensitivity to your friend when asking so the option is there.  If you have expectations for BMs beyond buy dress and show up, then maybe you should discuss that with her so she knows what she’d be getting into so she can make an informed decision.

Post # 14
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My bridesmaids have varying levels of interest about my wedding.  My sister and my two best friends are very interested, my FSILs are sort of interested, and my cousin shows little to no interest.  Different levels of interest don’t really bother me, my bridesmaids are all different people 🙂

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