(Closed) What do you guys think? Almost 3 year relationship over…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sometimes i think my Fiance needed time to be single too. It seems like your SO just needs to learn the balance of being in a relationship where you don’t need to be constantly worrying about and focusing on the other person. You can be you in a relationship and without time alone its hard to find the balance. Thats a lesson that is hard to learn… its taken my Fiance about 3 years and he’s finally learning how to have his own life and have a life with me. We had a rough patch where he just flipped a 180 and went from everything being all about me to everything being all about him because he didn’t want to be in that kind of relationship again and he saw it going there and i think it freaked him out because he didn’t want to lose himself again. I thought we needed to take a break to figure things out but he doesn’t believe in breaks so we stuck it out and it took him longer but he’s finally got it. He just had to grow up.

I suspect your SO is going through something similar. I would imagine he’ll be back. If he really loves you then he will – just give him the time he needs.

My friend broke up with her hs boyfriend of like 5 years because he was worried that he didn’t know what else was out there… 6 months later he came back.

Relationships take breaks but love doesnt… hang in there!

Post # 4
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. 

As much as it sucks, I think everything happens for a reason. I’m going through something similiar and I have to say, you guys are going to learn alot about yourselves with this time apart. As you said, you guys have been together for 3 years and prior to that he was in a relationship for 6 years. He’s been with someone during his entire twenties and the thought of committing is scary. 

He really does seem like he cares for you and you for him. I do hope that a few months down the line he will realize that he wants you in your life and hopefully you want him in yours. Breakups are never easy but you’re going to get through this. Give him time, don’t wait around for a phone call, text, or email. This is a time for you to focus on yourself and do the things that you want to do. 

Best of luck! 

Post # 5
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

He’s telling you what he wants and you need to listen. Distance yourself. I hope he ends up coming back but I wouldn’t count on it. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders since you plan on not twiddling your thumbs and want to be with friends. That’s the best thing to do right now.  

Post # 6
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Love2Love:  The first thing that jumped out at me was this – when he asked if you had anything to say and why were you being so quiet and stoic?  He seemed to be devastated at breaking up with you.  Were you equally as devastated?  Could it be that he is/was attempting to gauge the depth of your emotion for him?  You seem to be taking the break up very calmly.  And that is great!  But to me if you break up with someone with whom you’re deeply in love you don’t immediately switch into “back-up plan” mode.  Even your email to him, while sweet, seemed more like something you would say to just a friend more than a lover.

I hope this isn’t harsh, I don’t mean it to be.  It just seems as though maybe he didn’t really want to break up with you, but maybe he feels as though you feel only lukewarm towards him. 

At any rate, I wish you all the best. 

Post # 7
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would let him be and I wouldn’t plan on you guys getting abck together down the road. I wouldn’t break up with someone I wanted to be with, it’s too risky that they won’t be there when you’re ready. I’ve always been the one to break up with someone and I’ve cried and become emotional even though it’s what I wanted. I was fine a few weeks later and had moved on, but I was still sad to hurt the other person.  You never know, maybe things will work out, it won’t be the first or last time but I would plan on moving forward and not counting on it. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Love2Love:  Oh, wow, I am so, so sorry to hear all of this.  I wish I could give you a hug, I am so sad for your pain.  I understand a lot better now hearing your explanation, it makes much more sense why you reacted the way you did for the final break up.  I wish you healing and hope.  It seems as though there is much love there between the two of you and a strong possibility of your getting back together.  He is a fool to lose you, I hope he can see that very soon.

Take good care of yourself.  You’re right to keep busy and surround yourself with friends and loved ones.  I apologize for misunderstanding and I hope you forgive me.  You do hide your emotions well but the explanation was very raw, I can feel your pain from here.  Wishing you much love in your future.

Post # 10
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Love2Love:  Wow! I’m so impressed with your email to him! I think he probably really does need to have some time alone in his life. Men take a long time to grow up and he has been in relationships during some of his most formative years. You, on the other hand, may need to be with someone who has spent those years evolving into a good man who knows himself. Yes, you may reunite, but to be honest, I think he needs to be alone for at least a year so he actually has time to figure things out. If he comes back too quickly, it may mean he isn’t really dealing with his own issues & needs. You may be very hurt and feeling a lot of loss now, but you may use your alone time to decide what you want now if your life is to be without him. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you and not a closing door.

Post # 11
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m really sorry that you have to go through this.

I don’t really have any advice. I thought your email was well written. I think you should keep your distance and spend sometime on your own. Focus on what you want and your goals for the future. 

Post # 12
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Love2Love:  this was me 2.5 years ago. honestly, the situation sounds so familiar. neither of us had had time to be single, there were some issues we couldn’t resolve and he broke it off after 3.5 years. i was devastated, and then after 2 months of being a wreck, enough was enough and i detached myself. so many similarities with your situation.

sorry, i’m not trying to butt in with my own story, but i needed it as reference for what might happen for you from now on. you are totally right in saying you’re not willing to wait around for him to come back. i didn’t. just as i was getting out of the 2 months hell hole, he snapped back into reality and told me it was the biggest mistake he’d ever made. i was already far too hardened on the outside and it was too little too late, and i fought him off with all my might for nearly 2 years. but deep down i knew there was something still there, and he had not given up for those 2 years that we would get back together. somehow we managed, and here we are half a year later, close to getting engaged.

 

what i’m trying to say with my experience, is that this is the BEST time for you to focus on yourself and be independent (as you already seem to realise). i matured and changed so much over the last couple of years, and because of that, our relationship is on a whole different level now. i think that if you do want this to work, if you want him to want it to work, the best thing you can do is take some alone time and enjoy, learn, discover. if it feels healthier to cut contact, do it. you’ll reconnect if you both truly want to, i definitely believe that. 

in any case, i really do sympathise with what you’re going through. always here to listen!

Post # 13
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsElopement: 

I agree with everything Arielle said.

 

Also, about this:

Please know if you ever have anything bothering you, or you need to talk, I’m always a call or text away.

 

 I don’t mean to sound mean when I say this, but from a practical standpoint, I would not be there for him in any shape or form. In fact you might disagree with me on this, but I would retract that message and tell him — nicely and gently  — that I wasn’t thinking clearly when I said that, and after considering everything, I think it would be best for us to have no contact.

 

 

 

Make this a clean break up, a real live, no contact breakup. That is the only way you will truly be able to move forward in your own interests, and that is the only way he will ever figure out if he wants you badly enough to try to win you back — but personally, I would not want to waste more than three years on someone who shows this type of behavior towards you.

 

 

 

I would make myself really scarce if I were you. And I would not count on him coming around. Go forward with your life, go through your grieving period, nurture yourself and surround yourself with friends, family and fun experiences. And yes, I would also start setting a personal timeline for when you might think about getting out there and testing the dating waters again. You gave this guy three years of your life… that is plenty!

 

 

 

Bless your heart for everything you are going through. I am so sorry. Despite what you said about those issues/anxiety attacks you had previously, you did not deserve this. IMO if this were true love, you two would be side by side working out these issues together, rather than him asking for a time out. In the real world, people have issues, insecurities, fears, obsessions and yes, even addictions to varying degrees, but real love does not take a time out from human imperfection.

Post # 14
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No one can predict what will happen with your relationship since every person/relationship is different, so use this time to be independent and make yourself happy. If he comes back to you in a few months and you are still wanting to be with him, then great! If he doesn’t come back, you’ll be in a better place anyway because you’ll have moved on and will maybe even have met someone else who will be the ‘one’. Things will get better one way or another, it’s just hard to see it from the place you are in now. Good luck either way!!

Post # 15
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am going to sound like a huge a-hole here, but I read a book once called, “He’s Just Not That Into You”.  A whole chapter was called, “If he’s not dating you, he’s just not that into you.”

I don’t think it’s much more than that.  I understand that he wants to grow and be single and “do”, but he wouldn’t want to do that if he fully wanted to be with you.  Also, he can find out who he is and find out what his hobbies are while being with you.  I don’t doubt that he loves and respects you at all because he does seem to genuinely care for you!  He definitely doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

I think it’s great that you’re moving on and not waiting around and I wish you all the best.

Post # 16
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

@Love2Love:  I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I re-read your post a few times. I understand, and I don’t. If you have a good friend, a partner, a family member, etc…and that person needed time to explore hobbies etc, then why couldn’t he take time for himself? You don’t need to cut yourself off from that person you love and add more pain. You both could work on this together, without being apart. If you miss him so, now is not the time to distance  yourself emotionally.

 

If someone is that upset over losing someone, the only thing I fear he will be finding is depression, or new bad habits. I think an honest, heart felt love letter including a request to discuss this in person and work through this might be better. At least let him know you are willing to support him in his change. But those that love one another don’t just leave them hanging to go through their troubles on their own.

 

On the other foot, many new mothers struggle with losing themselves and losing their friends, hobbies, etc. How would he feel if you just left the baby and him to go find yourself? If he wants to find a new hobby, wants to discover himself and understand who he is, that is fine, but he doesnt need to cut you off .If he has co-dependency issues or absorbing himself into a relationship and ignoring himself, then he can handle this through counselling. Has he explored this?

 

It sounds to me like he cannot find a healthy balance between the relationship and himself and I dated a man like this once. My ex Boyfriend or Best Friend was an extreme case but I heard from his sister that he is still alone. Your guy may never come around. I would lay it on the line for him and offer to hlep him through his journey together, and work together on boundaries (ie: seeing each other once a week) and still maintaining healthy contact. If he is not interested and wants to be entirely alone, then he should be upfront with you and tell you if he truly wants a future with you. Point blank ask him. Please.

 

If he is unwilling to do this I would not talk to him, speak to him, call, text, answer a call from him or a text, and make it clear to him that it is over. That you are not going back and he has made his decision.

I didn’t do this with my ex Boyfriend or Best Friend and I waited for him to “come around” for a year.

Being numb and protecting your feelings isn’t healthy either. You need time to heal, this is a terrible blow he has dealt you, and while it protects his interests and himself, what about you? You deserve protection, too.

My heart goes out to you 🙁

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