(Closed) What do you guys think? (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Honestly, I’d just move on at this point. If he doesn’t take accountability and makes you feel bad, he’s probably not the best person for you to be with.

Post # 4
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

Hmmm…   I can see it from both sides.  A busser in a restaurant doesn’t make a lot of money and a lot of men, if not most, do not feel comfortable getting married in that sceanrio.  Not saying I agree with them, but that’s how it works.   How long have you been together? 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

How long have you two been together?

Post # 6
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am sorry that you are going through this because it’s such a tough decision. I personally don’t believe in ultimatums. I have seen girls use them and it’s worked but only as a short term fix. He has to be into you and want to live with you in order for it to work or you will always be in this cycle of giving him ultimatums for everything for want for the next 50 yrs. It sounds like you know this relationship isn’t what you want so when you lease is up and he hasn’t brought up the topic again I would just move on. If he wants you, trust me he will coming running after you. If not you will find someone who will, I promise.

Post # 7
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is just my outsider opinion, but based on the way you write about the relationship, it doesn’t sound like you are 100% invested in it.  It sounds more like you just want to be secure and married (nothing wrong with that, but believe me, it’s better when you’re also head over heels for your guy).  Walk away.  If you truly love him and there is no one else in the world for you, then you will make it work together without ultimatums, but rather with mutual goals for your future together.

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i think an ultimatum can work in a sense that it is giving men a very specific deadline to do a very specific thing. and for some men, they find that easier than just hearing ‘one day in the future we should….’ because how do they know what timeline you have in mind unless you tell them. It is a shame if it gets to an ultimatum because obviously ideally you would agree, but because men and women emphasise different things as their priorities (for many men, having financial security before making a commitment is really important, whereas for many women, we want the commitment before the financial stuff gets sorted out because that is our priority) sometimes it does work best to show them that you are really serious and really upset about something and how it is important to you.

So to summarise, I think it could be fine to do an ultimatum IF you really, truly mean it. It’s no good saying it if you’re not going to follow through.  I know a friend who gave her boyfriend a deadline to propose, he missed it and they’re still together.  So what was the point? You have to truly mean it to both yourself and him that you will follow through.

I think May 2012 is an extremely reasonable deadline and if he’s already saying that he’s doesn’t think he can do it then you definitely have reason to be concerned, in my opinion. I hope that doesn’t upset you but sometimes guys need a kick up the ass or you just have to walk away.  sending you hugs!!! 

Post # 9
Member
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@wanttobemrsb: Yeah, ultimatums are tough. I don’t want to knock other ladies’ choices, but ultimatums can imply that you don’t have faith in the goals you’ve set as a couple. And it’s hard, I’m not engaged, I wonder about these things as well. 

But I agree that it sounds like he wants to get ducks in a row and take time and all that, and it also sounds like it will take a good amount of time. Moving from his current position to a full time job AND starting his own company could definitely take longer than 9 months (May 2012) and will most likely take serious financial commitment from him. He’ll be stretched in many directions, are you prepared for that?

 

Post # 10
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It sounds as if there is just way too much pressure on him right now for him to be “accountable” and make a huge lifetime commitment.  He’s broke, working a job that nobody would describe as fun or easy.  Paying off debt, trying to start a business and look for full-time work.

If you give an ultimatum at this point, it might be the proverbial straw.  And anyway, it doesn’t sound as if this relationship is very good for either of you right now.

Post # 11
Member
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

So.. say you give him the ultimatium and it works.  You move in with him, then you pressure him for the next step and you guys get engaged.  Do you really want all that cause you pressured him into it with ultimatiums, or do you want it to be genuine, by his own choice, and from his heart because he loves you and wants to do these things wiht you.  If you can’t wait while he pulls his act together, I say move on rather than the ultimatum.  I can just picture some fight down the road and him going.. well I didnt even WANT any of this yet, youre the one that forced me to do it!

Post # 12
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@wanttobemrsb: Something really similar happened LAST time I dated SO. He was working as a stagehand–not sure if you know too much about that; basically he had no idea when/if/how much he would be working, or where. So, averaged out, he probably made about as much as a busser.

Well, he didn’t want to marry or live with me. I thought he wasn’t invested in the relationship. I didn’t realize that it was that he wanted to be with me, but didn’t feel like he made enough money to pull his full share in a place with me (or in a marriage!) I would always tell him, “I make plenty enough for both of us, it doesn’t matter.” But for some men, that’s unacceptable.

Anyways, because I thought he just wasn’t that into me, I broke it off with him. I started dating my best friend and got into a rather bad engegement, and then we broke things off. During that time, my ex had gotten a salaried job, and actually makes more than me! A little while after ex-FI and I broke it off, the ex and I talked, and I realized what had really been holding him back.

We decided to give it another go, and things are SO different this time. He is pursuing me to the point that I NEVER have to worry or even think about his intentions. HE starts all the conversations about marriage and moving in, and even “our kids.” 

Moral of the story: It’s probably not that he isn’t into you, or doesn’t want to be with you. But a lot of guys won’t consider marriage or even moving in until they know they can afford it completely. A surprising number of men are really traditional in that respect, even if they don’t seem like they would be.

I would shelve the ultamatums indefinitely for now, and instead do all I could to encourage him to either get things going with the business and also to find a better day job. If he is savvy enough to start a business, he could probably be working somewhere that paid better, was less physically demanding, had better hours, or perhaps even all three. THEN, once he’s making enough to actually afford to pay half of everything without selling plasma or something, THEN you can bring up moving in. 

Post # 13
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

There’s being considerate of someone else’s feelings and then there’s being responsible. Something that jumped out at me from the OP is that he’s not being accountable for your feelings.

Hmm.

Only you are responsible for your feelings. I’ve found we fall into bap spots the more we expect other people to supply the things we need to feel validated, secure, happy or anything else. Accountability is personal.

Yes, it’s totally appropriate to know what you want and what’s important to you and, if it involves another person’s cooperation, to be up front about it and state your terms. But you have to be really willing to accept the other half of the coin: if he’s not ready to take the next step or doesn’t feel he can pull his weight (which, really, is what it sounds like), you’ve got to be okay with walking away. If he doesn’t and you don’t walk away, it just looks like a manipulation tactic and, well, that’s not a characteristic that looks good when looking at a future with someone.

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