Post # 1
I have an etiquette question – I’m not inviting any exes to the wedding (even though he is – but I’m not bothered as she is a good friend of mine too), but there is one set of people that I’d like to invite, but am getting “awkward” feeling from my fiance about. It’s my ex’s parents who I’m still very close to – they immediately said they were coming when I told them about the wedding and bought plane tickets and booked hotels (haven’t even sent invites).
Would his parents find that offensive that they are there (it’s a small wedding)? Would you find it offensive if your partner’s ex’s parents were there at a small wedding if they are close?
Thanks in advance bees!
Post # 3
I think the best thing to do is to ask your Fiance and his parents how they’d feel. I think it’s really awkward to have an ex’s parents at the wedding and that it might give off the wrong impression to your FI’s family, especially if it’s a small wedding.
Post # 4
I don’t even see this as an etiquette issue. Just a “would this make sense for you and your situation” issue. Are your ILs even going to know that these people are parents of your ex? If so, how? Will they care? Why or why not? IMO, the answers to the preceding questions should guide your decision.
Post # 5
I think it’s totally personal, not etiquette-related.
It might also deal a lot with the break-up too. This would influence the foundation of your relationship with their parents.
Did he pass away? Did you peacefully part ways in a completely mature “we’re not in love?” Were you both extremely young and have grown-up dramatically since then?
or did you break up with hurt feelings and tears?
Just talk to Fiance and his parents about it.
Post # 6
Hmmm – that’s what I’m struggling with – they will certainly meet them (the wedding is less than 30 people) and probably ask. They’re cool enough where they probably won’t care, but the rest of his relatives I get the feeling are very nosy and very judgemental and it’ll be the first time I’m meeting them…
Post # 7
@Overjoyed: Agree! This seems like a case-by-case issue as opposed to an etiquette issue. I would first evaluate how your Fiance and ILs feel, and if they flat out are uncomfortable – think about how you’re going to tell them now that they’ve booked everything. It seems like they are important to you, so I would express this to your Fiance and ILs. I dont think a normal person would book all of that if they didn’t consider themselves a large part of your life, though!
Post # 8
I think it depends on how big the wedding is and who else is invited. If it is 95% family, then I think it would be insensitive to invite them. Do your ex’s parents know your parents so they are sort of like family friends? If your wedding is larger than 100 people, then I don’t think it would be a problem.
Post # 9
We broke up years ago, but are still casual friends (see each other maybe once every 3 months). They are and continue to be a large part of my life, so I can imagine how hurt she would be if I told her she couldn’t come (how do you explain that?). My own parents won’t be able to attend the wedding, so they are like surrogates, but I can totally see how his family will take it the completely wrong way….
Post # 10
I would stop talking about them as “my ex’s parents” and start referring to them as “my dear friends”. There’s no rule that says your friends all have to be from the same age group, and it sounds like your relationship with them is a friendship that stands independently of your relationship with their son. Since you’ve stopped seeing him a long time ago, but you remain close with them, I don’t see what the issue would be. I think considering it as a possible etiquette issue is making a mountain out of a molehill. They’re your friends who want to see you get married, end of story.
Post # 11
Thanks for the thoughtful answers so far ladies!
Post # 12
I don’t think it has anything to do with the size of the wedding, I think it has everything to do with how close you are to these people, ie. you obviously have a relationship with them beyond that of being with your ex, especially if you think of them as “parent surrogates”. I certainly think it’s a good idea to discuss it with your Fiance, and I would hope that he’d understand that you’re close to these people and it has nothing do to with your ex (at the present). And as for everyone else, you introduce them as your old friends, Jill and Jack and leave it at that. I don’t think there’s anything inherently disrespectful about inviting them as long as your Fiance is fine with it, and who cares what other (immature) people think?
Post # 13
Etiquette Snob here… lol
This isn’t a HUGE etiquette issue for sure… altho traditional Etiquette would be that one wouldn’t invite someone as a Guest that was going to make any of the Guests of Honour feel awkward…
At this Wedding you and Your Hubby will be the Guests of Honour… with a close second Places of Honour given to both sets of Parents (Yours & His)
So from a Traditional Etiquette POV, one wouldn’t invite any Exes of the Bride or Groom to the Wedding out of respect for the other.
In this instance, you haven’t done that… the Question is actually about an Exes Parents… sure maybe a tad “unusual”… if you were actually to introduce them that way… but I sincerely doubt you’d be doing that… More than likely they’d be “Mr & Mrs X” no further explanation required … OR “My longtime Friends Mr & Mrs X”.
(BUT if word was to get around “So how do you and MissMeowMeow: know each other”… and they replied “Oh she used to date our Son”… ya that would be awkward, especially if it was your Hubby-2Bs Parents asking the Queston.
On the other hand…
I have to say the actions of your Ex’s Parents were in the least a bit presumptuous…
I get that they were excited to hear you were getting married. BUT to make the asumption that they’d be Invited in so much as to go buy plane tickets and book a hotel, BEFORE getting an Invite… well that borders on as far as RUDE in so much as they were clearly fishing for an Invitation.
I get the fact that they now have you Questioning all this, and in some ways being between a rock & hard spot… in regards to the Etiquette Question you just raised.
But if this truly is a small intimate Wedding, don’t for a minute feel you have any obligation to this couple and MUST issue them an Invite just because they’ve gone ahead and made arrangements assuming they’d be getting invited.
Hope this helps,
Post # 14
Would his parents know they were your exes parents?
Post # 15
i mean i thnk it’s kind of strange/uncomfortable for your FI/his family, but if they already booked hotels and flights i think it’s a little late to do anything about it
Post # 16
I’m pretty sure that if nobody makes a seen about “HEY Y’ALL, these are Meow’s ex’s parents!” nobody will even be the wiser. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.