Post # 1
I have a friend who is an open relationship and was having issues because it is not happening like she wanted. Her definition of an open relationship (or rather, what she would be okay with), is one where there is one central relationship where both partners are committed to each other. But then they have the liberty to casually see/sleep with other people – as long as at the end of the day they come home to each other (metaphorically as there might be some nights not spent together).
So my friend has started dating this guy who was upfront that he wanted to try an open relationship. She was okay with trying it out – even though their definitions varied. Because this guy is basically dating two women. There is no central relationship. This guy has said he wants to be her boyfriend, but also has another serious girlfriend! She is trying to be okay with it, but admits that she feels she is missing out on what she really wants and like there will always be this barrier between them (the other girlfriend). The relationship is still pretty new for her, so she is willing to give it more time before she has a serious talk with him about how things are going.
I am curious what are other people’s take on this. I totally sympathasize with my friend. I feel the guy is being selfish and trying to have his cake and eat it too. At least in this situation. However, I CAN totally see my friend’s definition of an open relationship being acceptable (where there is one central relationship). I would never judge someone for that and I would believe they can be really happy in that type of open relationship as long as its mutual of course.
Although personally, i know i could NEVER, like not for one second, never, consider having an open relationship with my husband. Even though we are married and committed, there is no chance in hell he (or I) will ever be “allowed” to sleep with other people!!! I am just way too possessive of him, lol.
Post # 3
I’m with you. I think it is fine if that is what makes other people happy, but there is no way in hell I could ever be in an open relationship. I love having my husband all to myself and sharing everything with just him. I don’t want or need anybody else. I think your friend needs to find someone else. That guy sounds awful to me!
Post # 4
I think if it works for the couple and there are no jealousy issues or abuse, it’s totally fine. But both partners have to be 100% on board with it, obviously. I would never call one couple’s decision selfish or inappropriate, because there’s no way I could possibly know the whole story or the relationship like they do.
FWIW, neither Darling Husband nor I could ever live with this kind of situation, but that’s just us. I’m not about to project my beliefs or desires on another couple–do what works for you!
Post # 5
I wouldnt be able to handle it because I am crazy jealous.
I do think that it works for some people though. As long as they set out their boundaries before getting involved with it, it could be very beneficial for some people.
I think if your friend isn’t feeling it, I would say she should get out. Next time setting boundaries beforehand would make it easier for her.
Post # 6
She needs to tell home her thoughts about it but me and my fiance have actually kinda considered it. Obviously we are committed to each other but it sounds a lil fun lol but our group of friends are like that. Most at least. And we are still talking about it but I’m not sure I could let him do it lol I don’t know if I could share him
Post # 7
If you’re going to have an open relationship you REALLY REALLY REALLY have to be on the same page. I don’t see any point in her continuing the realtionship she is in. He has made it clear he wants both girls, not one central relationship and one on the side. She will just be unhappy and I doubt his choices will change.
I think open relationships are difficult and mostly end up with someone getting hurt. I’m sure there are guys out there that enjoy open relationships in the same way your friend does.
I could never do that. It seems like such a hassle! One guy at a time is all I can handle! 😉
Hopefully it works out for your friend, but I really don’t see that guy changing his ways to fit her needs.
Post # 8
I think your friend was led to believe she’d be in an ‘open’ relationship, when in fact she’s in a polyamorous one. Very different things, IMO. I’d leave his ass ASAP for this as I would also assume they would have their ‘central’ relationship with dont ask, don’t tell on the side- not a whole other serious relationship going on.
I’m also in the “as long as everyone’s happy” camp and don’t care what other people do in their relationships as long as it’s good for both people. Once it becomes one-sided, that’s just nasty stuff.
Post # 9
Hell no. I could not handle sharing my SO with someone else. Or do I think I have the ability to properly date another person while keeping a central relationship.
Post # 10
Okay, I must admit that when I saw that it was you posting this thread, my heart stopped! I thought it was something that you were going through (Yikes!)! Glad it’s not though. 🙂 Anyway, onwards…
I’m with you. Although, one of my very good friends who just got married a little while ago struggles with that exact topic with her husband. He’s been pretty good about it, but is frequently crabby because he struggles with being committed to her. So all that being said? Yeah, it’s not okay with me but it happens.
Post # 11
@Mrs Grape: i didn’t call the couple’s decision selfish, i think this particular guy is being selfish. to me it is clear my friend is hurting because her boyfriend is making things serious between them, all the while he has another serious girlfriend. i think its completely different than being committed to someone while agreeing to be able to see other people casually. Oh and this guy’s other girlfriend is NOT seeing anyone else besides him. so i kind of feel bad for her too.
Post # 12
I think it is a generally bad idea. I me it is just impossible to maintain the health of a relationship while exploring other people.
Post # 13
I’m not comfortable with open relationships for myself. I especially wouldn’t be comfortable with the type of relationship your friend’s boyfriend wants and I don’t think he’s going to change his mind. Sounds like your friend has a lot of thinking to do. The open relationship your friend describes is the definition I am used to/have seen happen in real life.
Prior to meeting my husband I was in an open relationship for almost 3 years where I was the primary partner. I don’t think I could ever do that again, being in that relationship transformed me into a jealous and insecure person. I didn’t like who I had become. Your friend should think about not giving away or losing herself and settling just because she likes this guy.
Post # 14
I personally believe that “open” relationships degrade the very definition of intimacy in a spousal type relationship. I’ve never personally seen one “work” either.
Post # 15
Um, no. I waited 40 years for this man and I will be damned if I am sharing the few years that we will have.
& @runsyellowlites: <- This.
Post # 16
Not for me.
For your friend, the bf is upfront and honest about what he wants, which is different than what she wants. (I wouldn’t call him selfish, in some ways, I think if you agree to an open relationship wanting to have a primary relationship could be characterized as more selfish.) Seems a recipe for disaster. They each need someone on the same page as them.