(Closed) What do you think? (husband is perhaps being a douche)

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 136
Member
2843 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If he has the money and you are paying off school, why wouldn’t he pay for the whole trip.  The whole money thing sounds weird to me.

Post # 137
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Firstly, I find it so weird that you owe your husband money. Under my concept of marriage, you can’t owe your husband money. We don’t share finances but we each pay for some things, (even though he earns more)  and we’d never bother calculating what the other owes us…

Also, yes he’s beinga douche about your Grandfather (I’m so sorry, my Gran died last year and it was really hard for me.)

Post # 138
Member
16 posts
Newbee

I want to tell you that I went through a lot of this stuff with my second husband. I also spent a LOT of time defending him and his actions and in return spent a lot of time unhappy and wondering how to fix it. 

i hate to break it to you but you came here to ask a question, but then as people respond you defend his actions and behaviors. This is how people in abusive relationships behave. if you don’t like people questioning your relationship, then you probably should not air your dirty laundry for everyone to critique. 

also, as I said I have been in your shoes… And it does not change and it does not get better. If you feel he is uncaring now or screams about money, wait until you need his help financially… Guess what… He won’t be there for you. Also, do you really want to have this kind of relationship as a foundation to the rest of your life? Who is going to pay for diapers when you have kids? Or is that going to be seen as one of “your created” bills…. Just saying..

fyi… 2nd husband is now ex-husband.. Becaus. I do have kids and he started acting like they were a burden and taking “his” space and “his” time and “his” money. 

Post # 139
Member
36 posts
Newbee

Every loss is unique. There will never be another person like your grandfather or another person like you. There will never be the exact same relationship. I was incredibly close with one of my grandpa’s but I wouldn’t claim to know how you feel. He may think he is helping by trying to help you look on the bright side, but what you need is sympathy, support, and validation. Sometimes men move right into problem solving mode when all we want is someone to lean on.

My fiance lost his grandma a few years ago. He was very close with her. When my grandpa was dying earlier this year, my fiance was very supportive. He said to let him know if I wanted rides to visit him (I can’t drive), if I needed cuddles, if I need left alone, he surprised me with foods I liked and only usually get as a treat… A few times, he shared stories about when his grandma was dying. He asked if it helped, I said not really, and he stopped. It really made a difference that he didn’t try and make me look on the bright side or like I should feel happy my grandpa got to be 90. He acknowledged I was losing someone who is a huge part of my life.

Could you tell your fiance, “This may not be your intentions, but… When you tell me I should feel lucky, don’t ask how I am doing with my grandpa dying, or are more concerned about money than this crisis in my life — it makes me feel like you don’t think this is a big deal to me and doesn’t make me feel supported. No matter how old he is or how old I am, it makes me sad I am losing him and I wish I could lean on your through this.”

Post # 140
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Hanover Grande Ballroom

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peachacid:  its not “Making your husband pay your loan” or “saddling him with your debt”. Its COMBINING finances. meaning you put all your bills TOGETHER and pay them off TOGETHER.

meaning you BOTH work on paying off BOTH your debts TOGETHER. not “here honey, pay this off”

 

Post # 141
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We don’t keep track of who paid for what or anythIng. If we say, go out to dinner and a movie, one of us usually pays for dinner and the other pays for the movie tickets. I’d never think of saying to my husband “you owe me money for that”…you’re married! Even if I buy birthday gifts for his nieces and nephews (I get off work earlier so it’s easier for me to do the shopping), I never ask for him to re-pay me. And he covers other things for me too. It should be a partnership, not keeping track of every cent you owe each other, I think that’d cause a lot of arguments. 

I think your husband is being very insensitive about your grandfather. So his grandparents died earlier than yours…doesn’t mean he can’t have sympathy for you right now and be there for you to lean on. He should be the first one trying to make you feel better and making sure you’re ok!

 

oops just realized this thread is kind of old! And I only read the first page before replying, oh well.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by  _blackbird_.
Post # 142
Member
7 posts
Newbee

So I will have 300, 000 dollars worth of debt when I graduate (however, I will have an amazing job and make twice as much as my FI). How our bills work now is that he pays for everything and if he is falling short one month, he asks me for x amount and I transfer it to him. My debt is his debt (it’s accumulated while we have been common law) and so there is no logic making me pay for things 50/50 while we accumulate debt. When you say you have student loans that are YOURS, I’m sorry to tell you that the day you married him, they became his as well. The loans were not only a result of an investment in your future but in his as well. I understand wanting to be independent and self sufficient but I would never want to be in a marriage where we were owing eachother anything. It’s our future and we are combining our assets for the future. And like I said, even with my debt, I’ll be making 200,000 a year which is much more than him and I couldn’t imagine not putting it into one big pot and using it for our trips, kids, house and overall expenses. I would rethink your fiances with your DH here 

Post # 143
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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peachacid :  So I just got intrigued and read this entire thread. Did you work out the financial issues with your husband? I’m not sure if anyone suggested this earlier, but you should be splitting things proportionally based on income, not 50/50. 

If you make 40K and he makes 60K, your total household income is 100K. You should pay 40% (40/100) and he should pay 60%. Also, you working four jobs while he works one part time job is crazy. Hope you worked things out!

Post # 144
Member
5689 posts
Bee Keeper

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peachacid :  His comments about your grandfather being sick aren’t the best, but not everyone is good with grief or what to say. However, you should tell him what you need since he can’t tell. For example, hug me or please just listen…etc.

The money thing is weird. For awhile while me and Fiance were living togehter we split certain bills and I paid certain other bills. And we “owed” each other money. But we weren’t naggy about it or as pushy as he seems to be about it. He left you a spreadsheet?! This would make me more mad than anything else. You’re grieving a loss and he leaves you a freaking SPREADSHEET? No way it should be give and take. Some people earn more, others spend more, and you should both be on the same page about money. But at the end of the day, you’re legally, financially and emotionally married. He seems odd about the money thing. I mean he can wait a bit on it until after you’ve had time to grieve. I mean, I wouldn’t even bug a friend who was grieving about money let alone my husband. I’m sorry bee. If talking doesn’t help, would you guys be willing to try couples counseling?

Post # 145
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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glitz91 :
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peachacid :  Yes what would happen if one of you lost your job? My husband and I combined everything. Even previous debt.  You sound like roommates. It sounds very stressful. We have two accounts. One where both our checks go into and the other one is for our weekly spending. I couldn’t imagine having that divide. 

I am sorry for what you are going through, as losing someone in your life is hard. I would definitely tell him what you need in that situation. 

Post # 146
Member
47422 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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sweatergal007 :  
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EricaSB :  

If you click on the OP’s username, you will see that she has not been active for two years.

Post # 147
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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Post # 148
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Suckered into responding to an old thread.  Dang it!

Post # 150
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Yeah the money thing is weird to me.  Here’s how we do it.  We both have only one joint checking and one joint savings.  He has a CC that I’m authorized on, I have a CC he’s authorized on, and we use both for rewards.  Our paychecks are direct deposited into the same account.  We each get a certain amount of “play money” per month (equal for each of us) and everything else is used for bills, travel, etc.  If we travel without the other, it comes out of our play.  If we travel together, it comes out of our travel budget.  We both have loans and it comes out of that account.  Doesn’t matter whose loan it is, it’s just a loan.  We’re a unit, a family.

I don’t really view things as “mine” vs. “his.”  If he wants to use anything of mine, he’s more than welcome to.  Same with me.  I don’t really feel the need to feel I “own” things.  If there’s something I DON’T want him to use, I tell him (i.e. don’t eat those brownies, they’re for the party, or don’t eat that protein bar, I’m saving it for post-workout tomorrow, etc.)  Anything else it’s assumed he’s welcome to it, material or ingestible.  I totally subscribe to the what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.  Both assets and debt.

He makes about 30% more than I do.  Eventually I’m more than likely going to make more than him.  It’s still all going to go into the same account.

We never really owe each other money because if we don’t have it available in play, we don’t purchase it for ourselves (i.e. a fitness watch, not something we truly need).  I guess if it was a one of kind deal we’d just put it in the credit card and then whoever bought it would pay for it.

 

Regarding grieving… my husband has a friend who’s not doing well now.  I don’t know what to say when someone’s grieving, so I do what I can, which is just to be there for him.  Offer him to let me know what I can do for him.  You should totally ask of him what you need spefically and see if he can provide that for you.  Men want to fix things.  I told my husband I don’t want him to fix anything.  I want him to listen to me ranting about something, and then just say, those bastards!  And he does 🙂

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