Post # 1
This is long and a bit of a rant, Sorry.My FH and I got engaged in September of last year right away we knew what date we wanted and immediately told people the date of our wedding. My FH is from Europe and I am from the Midwest so we decided to get married in San Francisco where we live, to make it equal for everyone. (Its still a little in favor of the US guest). One of our biggest hopes was that people would attend. That would be the best gift anyone could give us would be to actually celebrate with us. So we worked really really hard to try and make it affordable for people. We got everyone 10% off of their airfare and were able to get hotel rooms for $80/night. That’s right $80/night in San Francisco. My immediate family got their airlines tickets for $198.90 and rooms for $80 so as you can see a reasonably priced vacation. So several people have told us they aren’t coming due to the high price of travel? Ok whatever I get it some people don’t want to spend the money.Well my BFF of over 15 years has just been acting totally bitchy. When I told her my mom was throwing me a bridal shower. She got all pissed off and said how many events do we have to go to for your wedding?I have sent her several e-mails regarding airfares from her location and 6 weeks ago I sent her an e-mail about booking her hotel. At which point she said I need to stop trying to help people, they can take care of themselves.Last night she let me know that she would be flying out on Friday and flying back on Sunday.Our rehearsal is Thursday night and on Friday we are taking all our guest out to lunch and on a tour of the city. So I mentioned that she was going to miss the tour and she said "I have already been to San Francisco I don’t need to go on the tour and when I mentioned she would miss the rehearsal and she is reading, she flipped out. Saying that my wedding appears to be a week long event and she is not sure where she fits in and with a cost of $80 a night she just can not afford that. I told her I was going to hang up before I got angry. I did.So now what do I do? I feel like e-mailing her and letting her know the schedule and reminding her to book her hotel via the directions I sent in the e-mail earlier. I have only had a bachelorette and will have a bridal shower. Am I out of line? I paid for myself at my bachelorette and they didn’t buy me gifts
Sorry for it being so long. It’s just this is the first ridiculous stressor I have experienced and I know she is telling everyone what a bridezilla I am.
Post # 3
SanFranBride, I think you need to let this go and stop hovering over your friend’s shoulder checking to make sure she booked the hotel. That’s her job, not yours. If she cares about coming to the wedding, she will get it done.
I would CC her on a group e-mail with a schedule and directions for booking the hotel, and then promise yourself you won’t check up on her anymore. I know you want your friend to be there, but I have to be honest, it sounds like you’re micromanaging her and I can see why she might be cranky about it. Tell her you’re sorry for the fight, you just really want her to be at your wedding, and then see how it goes.
Post # 4
it sounds like your friend is probably trying to cut down on the number of vacation days that she needs to take and/or the cost of her hotel stay, hence she is only going to be in town from friday to sunday. while you have provided affordable options to make this trip a reasonably priced vacation, it doesn’t sound like this is a vacation for her. she has already been to sf and she’s not interested in touring, it sounds like her trip is specifically just for your wedding so you can’t keep assuming it’s so affordable and so people can’t complain about the costs. several hundred dollars on airfare and hotel stay, combined with vacation days spent – that’s a lot of money!
just focus on the fact that she is making it to the most important part – your wedding! wouldn’t you be more upset if she only made the time to come your shower but not your wedding? i know it sucks to not have your BFF with you the whole time but that’s the nature of destination weddings. try not to take it so personally!
Post # 5
At some point, people have to be grown-ups and take care of themselves. If they can’t be there, they can’t be there. You can’t force her to do anything, that will make her resent you even more. If she already has the hotel information, there’s nothing more you can do. If she books late and the costs go up, that’s not your problem – you gave her the information. You have other things to worry about.
Post # 6
I feel like you’re trying to be helpful finding the cheapest rates for everyone… but even the cheapest rates are still expensive for many. You need to be slightly more considerate. This is your wedding, not hers- and she’s probably not in a position to dish out this much money. Is she supposed to go into debt for your wedding?
If you would like her there for all your events…pay for it. Even though you’re getting married you have to remember the world doesnt stop for everyone. People have jobs, car payments, etc… Let her book her hotel and flight when she feels the need to- and I would personally apologize. I wouldn’t want hurt feelings on my wedding day.
Post # 7
Thanks for the advice ladies.
I don’t think anyone should go into debt for anyone’s wedding.
However, this woman thinks that I should go to a resort in Bora Bora for her wedding even though she isn’t dating anyone at this point. Yet keeps telling me what she is going to do for her wedding.
I did pay for her to go on my bachelorette trip with the intention of reducing her expenses so she could attend my wedding. And another friend of ours offered to split the room with her and she refused.
I guess I am more hurt that someone who would have been my maid of honor if I was having a bridal party barely wants to attend my wedding.
Post # 8
Well, she should definitely not be making rude comments like "how many events do we have to go to" and "your wedding is a week long event." But I wouldn’t be offended that she can’t make the Thursday rehearsal or fly out again for your shower; even putting the money aside, it is truly a hardship to miss several days of work, speaking from personal experience. She did attend your bachelorette and will be there for the wedding, so maybe cut her some slack. You can assign someone to cue her when she needs to do the reading.
Post # 9
First off congratulations on finding hotel rooms in SF for $80/night. I live in SF and it was tough finding something close to that.
I understand if your friend can’t afford to make all of your wedding events but it’s not everday that you get married. If she expressed that the trip might be expensive for her and you are trying to find her a better deal it’s called being helpful not micromanaging. I’m sure your other guests will be happy that you micromanaged the $80/night hotel rooms and cheap airfair. The nerve!
The "how many events do we have to go to for your wedding?" and the Bridezilla is just plain rude. If she can’t make it, that’s fine, attendence won’t make or break your good time at the rehersal, tour and shower but as a friend of 15 years she should at least express her feeling with a little more sensitivity.
Bora, Bora…girl please.
Post # 10
Gumdrop-Thank you, you know what a effort it was to find rooms at that price.
The one thing I should mention is that my mom is hosting my shower in the Midwest where my friend lives. I am the person flying back for the shower so that cost is on me.
That is the part that was annoying. I would never ask someone to fly out for a shower. She simply has to drive the 5 blocks from her house to my mom’s house. That is why I couldn’t figure out why she was so upset about all "my events"
Post # 11
Where did you find rooms for $80/night in SF?! Congrats you!
I think you’re doing a commendable job of trying to help people out with the cost. You’ve done all you can – now it’s on her to make the arrangements. Good luck!
Post # 12
I think the advice in here has been great. The only thing I wanted to add was, that maybe she is going through some of her own issues and is taking it out on you. I know that you mean well and you want to make it as easy as possible for everyone-but she sounds like she needs a break from the wedding subject. Maybe the next time you two talk, ask her how she is doing and dont talk about the wedding? I would be really hurt if my BFF did this to me and you are not wrong in how you feel. I think you should let her be. Just have comfort in the fact that she will be there on the wedding day and I know everything will run smoothly.
Post # 13
I wish you would have added she’s planning on getting married in Bora Bora… I take your side a bit more after that little tidbit of information.
Post # 14
Ok, she might be "planning" on getting married in Bora Bora, but if she isn’t even dating anybody, it’s just a pipe dream. She seems like she’s going through a rough patch. Best friends have hard times when their friends get married. Especially when they aren’t close to it themselves. It’s also hard for some people to take off work for more than a day or two at a time, so she could have to miss Thursday because of that. Just give her the benefit of the doubt. The truth is that this is your wedding and it’s your #1 priority and you’d be hard pressed to find another person who feels that way about it. Your friends and family will be there to support you on that day and you should be very grateful for that. They are excited, but the world doesn’t stop just because you are getting married. I thought that and when I didn’t get my way, I actually canceled my whole wedding and eloped(I’m an only child…a bit spoiled before I was married) Also, the less you bug her, the more you could be bugging your Fiance or vendors, getting stuff checked off your to-do list. Or you could take a nap. Good Luck!
Post # 15
It sounds like it is pretty frustrating that your friend isn’t fully on board. I understand that… you kind of want them to be, "whatever you need to make this special."
But keep in mind that the US is in the midst of a big fat stressful recession. Every day missed from work, every extra expense can have a big impact. And as fun as our weddings are to plan and dream, someone who is not in a relationship may not feel the same way.
I know that after buying my 400th wedding present, I was kind of like, "Ugh, not another one… When is someone going to think about me?" And now that I’m in the planning phase, I’m trying to think about all my single girlfriends and how they feel (because I was there not that long ago).
So try to see it from her side, if you can. Just so you know, I would be very appreciative of all your efforts if I was your friend! I hate planning and it is great when someone makes all of this stuff easy for me!