(Closed) What do you think is going on here (really long)?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If this isn’t normal behavior for her than there may be something going on with her and unfortunately she is taking it out on you and your wedding. Maybe she is starting to feel sad or upset that she doesn’t have someone she is close to marrying. Maybe she is starting to look at her own life and where it is going and she may not like what she sees. I dont know your friend so I am just guessing at this.

Regardless of why she is acting like this you should probably sit down and talk with her. You could phrase it to her in a way that she knows you are concerned about her and the way she has been acting rather than coming out and telling her what an awful Maid/Matron of Honor she is being. Maybe she’ll tell you what’s going on and more importantly maybe she’ll realize her bahavior and change it ASAP.

You’ll have enough going on without needing her to add to your worries. Talk it out with her.

Post # 4
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t have any great advice, just wanted to send hugs your way. I would agree with soontobewalsh that you should try to have a heart to heart with her… you are both stressed out, but for different reasons… fand if you’ve survived 14 years together, you can survive this 🙂

Sometimes I find that the bf and I just get into a fighting rut… and then we make ourselves talk about it, sometimes cry, and then its over and we’re ok again. Just invite her out for coffee or something and just ask to get everything off your chest, and then you can talk about it together. 

 

Post # 5
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

"She kind of freaked out b/c she broke up with the guy she thought she’d marry (but over a year before."     DING DING DING DING DING!

Even though this was a year ago, if she hasn’t found a new man, she is still dwelling in her own loss.  In a perfect world, we all would be nothing but happy for our friends, and their successes and good foturne.  Unfortunately, most of us have periods of self pity and self centeredness, particularly, if it’s regarding something bad.  (Isn’t it so much easier to harp on bad feelings/memories/events, than good ones?)

In giving you some discomfort about all this wedding stuff, she might be simply preoccupied with her own troubles, and not realizing she’s putting you out.  Or maybe it’s a passive aggressive thing.  Could be that she’s trying to cut your happiness down a bit, to make herself feel better.

I would actually try to eliminate, as much as possible, wedding talk around her.  I know as Maid/Matron of Honor, you should rely on her.  But it soundsl ike her friendship is important enough to you, that you can navigate around her.  I think she’ll come around after the wedding stuff dies down.    I don’t know that I would talk to her about all of the things bugging you, or her behavior.  However, I think it’s OK to be honest that you don’t have the time/money/etc to fulfill her requests of you.  I also think it’s OK to talk to her about how she is doing lately, and how her life is going.  (It might be a good way to delicately say… "Hey, ya been kinda stressed lately?)

Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with Tanya123 that it is probably related to her own situation re: her break-up. I can imagine it would be difficult to be involved in your wedding if she is still not over the situation with her ex, but this of course doesn’t give her the right to make your life difficult. She probably doesn’t know it’s bothering you so much. I’d say definitely tell her you can’t give her a ride, etc. because you have too much to do – that’s just the way it is and she needs to deal. And, sorry, it costs $$$ to be in someone’s wedding. You’re being really gracious and trying to minimize your BMs costs, but you can only do so much. It comes with the territory and she’s been a Bridesmaid or Best Man before so she should know that. As for having "a talk" with her, I don’t know. It might just cause more drama. I don’t know how your friendship is with her and if you’ve had issues you’ve talked out before. If you have and it went smoothly, I’d say do it just to get it off your chest. If not, then try to just let it go. ignore her compaining, and focus on what YOU need to do.

Post # 8
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I agree with kittyachi – we hear so much advice to make things easy on the bridesmaids, keep the dresses cheap, don’t expect any parties….I’m sick of it! It costs money to be in a wedding. A bride gets stressed easily and has a lot going on, she doesn’t need to deal with your drama too. When you say "yes" to being a bridesmaid, you have to be prepared to accept these things as fact. If you are not willing to put in the time, effort, money to get a dress, throw some well-planned parties, and support your friend, than tell your friend that and say no!

Can you tell this gets me worked up? In the past year, I’ve been a bride, and a bridesmaid, and I happily paid for expensive parties, gifts, ran around doing errands, helped her pick out a great Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, dealt with the crazy Maid/Matron of Honor, etc. Because she is my friend and that’s what you do when you are in a wedding. If you agree to be a bridesmaid you are agreeing to get over yourself. UGH!

Post # 9
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

No, I don’t think you’re expecting too much.  It’s that she’s rather…impaired about your wedding, right now.  I understand it’s been two years.  And sure she needs to get over it, or she might just be pouting herself through each day, missing the man of her dreams walking right by her.  But I’m sure there are plenty of people who just get devastated and cling to the past.  It could also bethat she was on a kind of plateau with regards to her love loss, for a while.  But with your impending wedding, her feelings have deteriorated.

And as for condolences, I don’t know.  Sometimes I get anxious telling people "I’m sorry for your loss."  I just don’t want to say something that will make them breakdown, or say it at the wrong time.  My son and I were a b-day party for one of his friends.  I wanted to offer my condolences to the boy’s father. (His brother died.)  but didn’t because I thought the party was the wrong time to say something that was a bummer.  But it is hard to know in your friend’s case.

I suppose you have to take care of yourself first.  If she’s toxicto you, maybe you can reevaluate how often you see her. Or how deeply involved she will be in your life in the future.  I’m still hoping she comes around eventually.

Post # 10
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You know, the more you tell us about this friend, the more she sounds like a friend of mine who I am not involving in my wedding party for similar reasons. She hasn’t felt like a real friend for a while, she is selfish and self-absorbed most of the time, she’s negative, etc. She assumed she would be my MoH, too. It’s a bad situation but I’m just not going to cave and do it because I don’t want to end up in a situation where I regret it and I know I would. I think she’s really upset with me, but honestly I don’t care. Now maybe she knows what it feels like to have a friend let you down.

You can’t drop your MoH from the wedding at this point, but what you can do is just sort of ignore her nonsense and not let it affect you. Maybe she really isn’t a good friend to you anymore – I mean, not having ANY words of consolation for you after a family member dies? That’s just horrible. So maybe just ignore her drama and get yourself in a mindset where you can not let it affect you. I feel like because she’s not being a good friend, she really doesn’t deserve any sort of sympathy or concessions from you.

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