Post # 1
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
Would you ever trust your partner to have a close female friend?
I have always been somewhat of a tomboy. I have no sisters and all male cousins so I basically grew up with more men in my life than women. In highschool and college I was always more compatible with guys than girls and while I do have a core group of girlfriends, Some of my best friends are men. None of these friendships were ever romantic and they all have long-term girlfriends.
My FH is quite similar (all sisters; several really good female friends that he never dated)
Since I began following Weddingbee I noticed a distrust of opposite gender friendships among some of the married, engaged, and attached bees. Some women have posted that they flat out don’t allow opposite sex friends in their relationships. I understand that some poeple consider it “playing with fire” But I think making new friends of the opposite sex is different than keeping old ones from your single days.
I am engaged, but I still see my male friends regularly, talk to them on the phone, and we go out to lunch/dinner and they often pay (because they were raised to believe that’s what men should do not because we are on a “date”). My FH is fine with this because he knows that I love him and that if anything were going to happen between me and my friends, it probably would have a looong time ago.
I have come to believe myself the minority in the hive. Do any other ladies out their maintain friendships with members of the opposite sex? Or are heterosexual friendships not allowed in your relationship/marriage?
Post # 3
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
Well, my fiance has told me that guys really aren’t just platonic close friends without a sexual *hoping* undertone. He said that the only real way that it may be possible is if it’s someone they have grown up with as a child, or someone they aren’t attracted to.
But usually, an opposite sex friendship ends up turning into more for at least ONE of the parties.
He doesn’t have female friends because he said he can’t relate to shopping, makeup, hair, girl talk, drama, etc. That’s a girl thing. He relates with men.
He also let me know that it’s a HIGH probability that all my guy friends would have slept with me if given the chance. I agree with him on that.
Post # 4
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
Interesting question, SO and I started dating in high school (you know that place where most guys are jerks and lots of girls are petty/catty). So, during that time we didn’t have any opposite sex friends really. I think this has caused us, in general, to not really have any close frinds of the opposite sex; just out of habit.
That being said we are friends with eachothers opposite sex friends, and have fun with them, but would not hang out with them alone typically.
I would have no problem with my SO having an opposite sex friend, but neither of us really has a desire to. Generally, I feel I can be myself more around women and vice versa for him.
Post # 5
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
Yep. I have guy friends and he has girl friends. I have close guy friends and he had close girl friends. I think it’s possible. It doesn’t bother me that he has female friends and he loves my guy friends.
Post # 6
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
I think we are the same person! All is good in my world. It would be silly for us to ” forbid” the other opposite gender friends. I am In a male dominated field ( and generally not a fan of women) and they see me as either one of the boys or “little sister” . Fiance goes to a school were 89 precent ( literally that’s the actual statistic breakdown) of the schools population isfemale.
We know who the other is comming home to so all is good.
The olny time I might have an issue is if I really don’t like them. And I like everyone untill you give me a reason not too
Post # 7
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I have a group of friends at work and most of them are men. We like doing the same things and usually go to the movies as a group every so often. I don’t hang out alone with one guy though.
Post # 9
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
We have MUTUAL friends of both genders, and opposite sex coworker friendships (we hang out while on business trips when there’s no one else to hang out with), but if my Fi had a female friend that was just his friend or I had a male friend that was just mine, well, that might be weird. Only because they don’t currently exist, so it would be a NEW friendship, in which case why the hell aren’t they a mutual friend???
So it’s not that it’s not allowed; just that it isn’t the status quo for us and I think we like it just fine this way! Any male friends I had before Fi have mysteriously disappeared.
And by “mysteriously”, I mean I think
@MIBEETOWED: is right!!!
Post # 10
Member
13094 posts
Honey Beekeeper
We can both be friends with whoever we like and no one feels jealous. We both have many friends of the opposite sex. Someone who was worried about me having a friend simply because said friend had a penis would be a definite turn-off to me.
@MIBEETOWED: I totally disagree with your thoughts here. I don’t have any desire to have sex with my guy friends and considering multiple of them are married, I’m pretty sure they have no desire to have sex with me either. Plenty of girls love things that guys can relate to. I can’t even count the number of sport discussions (primarily football and baseball) I’ve had with guy friends, for instance. I don’t talk to ANYONE (guy or girl) about shopping, hair, make-up, etc.
Post # 11
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I also think this depends on your definition of the word “friend.” What some people call “friends” I call “acquaintances” or “co-workers.” Not the same thing to me. A “friend,” to me, is very close and special and we share plenty of one-on-one time together. What some consider or define as a friendship, I’d never consider to be a real or close friendship. I’m very picky and exclusive about having friends.
And the only male person I want close to me, in a one-on-one relationship (besides my son) is my Fiance.
Yes, I have male acquaintances. I couldn’t care less if they think of me as a friend or not. In my eyes they’re just acquaintances or co-workers and nothing more.
I think these threads always have this “definition of friendship” confusion, every single time they happen.
So, it depends on how you define friendship. If you just mean the guys you work with (I also work in a very male-dominated sports-athletic-related field) then I guess I DO have male friends. But to me they’re just the guys at work, nothing special.
To me a friend is someone who knows me, up close and personal, and there are only a very few people in this world I allow (by my own choice) that close.
Post # 12
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
@PamelaBrit
Very interesting question.
I do believe that men and women can be “just friends” strictly platonic because I have that. I only have two really good male friends.
Now whether or not I think maintaining platonic opposite gender friendships AFTER marriage is appropriate is a whole other question. And I also think it depends on the depth of the friendship (friends you see once in while, friends hanging out one on one friends, regulary phone conversations, etc.)
Firstly, I would do whatever would make my SO/FH/DH most comfortable (as I feel right now), no male friend is worth jeopordizing our relationship/marriage.
But, I think it depends on the couple. In my opinion, any opposition of opposite gender friends stems from insecurity and perhaps trust reasons and probably with good reason! However, final answer is platonic opposite gender friendships are definitely possible and can possibly be maintained after marriage IF it does not cause issues with your partner. I can imagine It would be difficult if one person really wanted to maintain certain friendships and were not “allowed” to simply because of gender.
Post # 13
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
I prefer hanging out/talking to/making friends with guys, more of my friends are male. I hang out with them alone, go out to dinner together, ect. and I’m sharing an appartment with my male best friend (plus 3 other people) next year. Fiance has several close female friends also who he spends a lot of time with, and we have mutual friends of both genders. Neither of us cares in the slightest who we hang out with, because we trust each other and aren’t controlling of each others lives. If we didn’t have that trust, I don’t think we would have a strong enough relationship to be getting married.
Post # 14
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
@Sunfire Exactly!
Thanks for defining “friends”, thats kind of what I eluded to with my “depth of friendship” statement in my response.
Post # 16
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
@Mrs.KMM: this exactly!!
if my Fiance ever tried to forbid me from being friends with someone for having a penis (or for any reason actually) i would have to seriously reconsider our future. and i am certainly not interested in telling a 30-year-old man who he can and can’t interact with… even if one of his female friends did have a thing for him, that would be her problem, not ours. i trust my Fiance 100% all the time no matter what. why would you marry someone you trusted any less than that?
