(Closed) What do you think of setting an engagement timeline?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t think I have a timeline per se. I did broach the topic recently to see what HIS timeline was. He basically said that if he were to give me a timeline, he would be pulling it completely out of his you-know-where. So, basically I should not be expecting it anytime soon. I know finances and the fact that I have not been able to find a job after grad school are to blame, but its frustrating nonetheless. 

One thing I can say, is that after grad school, my bf and I moved together to a new city, almost 5 hours away from my friends and family. I told him when we moved that I was not moving if there was not a ring in my future. I wish I had more specific…i.e. I am not moving if we are not engaged within 1 year of moving. I did not do that, so I can’t blame him for not falling in line with the invisible timeline in my head. I’ll be 26 in the next few months. I would have liked to get married sometime in 2011. That “tlmeline” is getting further and further away from me. 

We have discussed the fact that we want to be married, and we are sure each other is “the one” so I don’t think I would do anything if he hasn’t proposed on my timeline. If he was unwilling to commit because he wasn’t sure or he didn’t want to be married, that is a whole other story. if that were the case, I would walk away because getting married and having kids are non-negotiable for me. If another year passes and we are not closer to getting engaged (i.e. haven’t looked at or talked about rings, he isn’t saving for one, etc) I would consider telling him I need the ring by X date or else. Probably wouldn’t broach it that way, but the basic idea. It’s tacky to do that but after 5 years together, I will not spend any more time waiting around no matter how much I love him. But now that we have discussed it and he knows how strongly I feel about us getting married sooner rather than later, I don’t think it will come to that. He admitted to me its just not something he is thinking about since none of his friends are married or even close, and we just started our careers. But now that we have discussed it, I know he is thinking about it, and for now, that’s good enough for me. I told him my timeline for getting engaged was “yesterday” – I think that’s pretty clear.

I would suggest broaching the topic and discussing your timeline with him and finding out what HIS timeline is. But you stated that you two have discussed a proposal occurring within the year, so I am not sure that its necessary. I think you need to just sit back and wait! 

Also, consider how long you have been together. If you haven’t been together that long, I think you should maybe chill out a little bit and let it happen naturally. 

Post # 4
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My SO and I have lived together for a little over a year now and have been together for 7 years total.  He’s aware I want to get married ASAP, because I don’t like that we live together and aren’t engaged (but financially it was the right thing to do), but he would die if I put put a timeline on it.  He’d feel pressured and the last thing a guy wants is to feel pressured into popping the question.  I’m slowly going crazy waiting, but I know I have to hold my tongue because at the end of the day I’m already committed to being with him, regardless of how long it takes him to get the money or muster the courage to propose.

Post # 5
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

We didn’t set a timeline, but we discussed when a good time for us to get married would be.  One night we were out to dinner, and he asked me how long we would need to be engaged before we got married/how long it takes to plan a wedding.  I told him 6-12 months, and then we proceeded to discuss that Summer 2011 would be the best time for us to get married. 

Would I have set a timeline if this conversation hadn’t just come up?  Probably not unless I really thought he was never going to want to get married.  I really wanted the timing to feel right for both of us.  You’re 24, so that gives you PLENTY of time  before you want to have kids.  I guess I’m of the opinoin that you will feel better when the time comes (and it WILL come) if you let it happen naturally.

And on living together: we moved in pretty early on (after dating 8 months – and only dating “seriously” for 3 months), and I couldn’t be happier.  I think it makes the wedding part seem less important becuase I get to spend every day with him.  🙂  I know everyone feels differently, but that’s my two cents.  I didn’t feel a need to rush things on because we were already living together as THOUGH we were married.  So maybe I have the problem you think most guys had in your other living together post! 🙂

Post # 6
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We didn’t set a timeline per say, but he said he would propose within a certain time frame…and he did 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have told my boyfriend that I would like to be married by the time I am 30… I am just about to turn 28 so he has a little bit of time left!

But honestly, I am not really into giving him a timeline and all that… why put pressure on him to propose by a certain time if he isn’t ready?

Whenever we talk about marriage he wont set a timeline or give me any indication of when it will happen – because we are waiting for financial reasons. So if he was to say we were to get engaged within a year but then we havent saved what we wanted to, then he obviously wouldnt be able to get engaged.

Despite the times when I get frustrated about the situation, I try to enjoy my time with him and building our lives together.

Post # 8
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We openly talked about getting engaged,(well I talked) and he told me we would be engaged by this May!  Little did I know we would get engaged in November:) 

Post # 9
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I think it’s good to make sure the other person knows what your preferred timeline is. I made this mistake, and, while it’s all going to turn out fine, it caused me a lot of unnecessary stress.

I had the idea that I wanted to have my first child around 28 so that I had enough time to have 2 or 3 before hitting 35. (My mother had me at 22, so, to me, waiting this long was already pushing me out of my comfort zone.)

I also wanted to be married for at least a year before having the first child. So this would have put me getting marred at 27, which meant getting engaged at 26. On my 26th birthday, my boyfriend and I had already been together for 2 1/2 years, so this was a plausible timeline.

Of course, my boyfriend had completely different expectations. To him, you don’t get engaged while one person is still in school. He had planned all along that we would get engaged the summer after I finished law school, just after I took the bar, at which point I would be 28. His mother had him (her oldest child) when she was 30, so to him, we had plenty of time to have the 2 or 3 children we had discussed.

We finally talked about it (after I had completely stressed myself out worrying), and now we have a joint timeline. We’re getting engaged sometime this summer after I take the bar, getting married next summer, and then we’ll try to conceive soon after. Because we will have been living together for 4 years already, it’s not as important to have time together without kids after the wedding. I probably won’t have 3 kids before 35, but I can easily have 2. If we want a third at that point and we can’t conceive, we’ll just adopt.

I think that if we discussed it earlier, we might have already gotten engaged or even married by now. But because I never brought it up, he just assumed that we were on the same page and that I wouldn’t expect a proposal until after the bar exam.

Post # 10
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Nope.  No timeline before he proposed be had been dating close to 7 years.  We basically knew we wanted to get married and the issue would be discussed, but he always told me “it’s not time yet.”  He explained to me that he wanted to line all his ducks in a row and when he felt he was ready, he would do so!  And you know what? HE DID! 🙂  And the best thing in the world, knowing now that he is 110% ready to get married.  It was his timing and there is no doubt in my mind.  The other thing is, life never happens as planned, so if you’ve discused the issue and your bf is something like my now FI.  I say, just roll with the punches.

Post # 11
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I totally told my fi that I would not be happy if we aren’t married by 28 and at least try to have kids by 30.  We are 26 now and will be married by 27.  I had jokingly told him that if he didn’t propose on 12/31/09 at 11:59 pm that it would be OVER.. of course when he DIDN’T pop the question, I still stuck around, so he knew I wasn’t serious.  Anyway, we bought a place together almost a year ago so I knew that that was a commitment of sorts.  He proposed last month. 

 I don’t think it’s wrong to let them know what your timeline is.  I’m constantly thinking about my biological clock and he knows it.  Now that we are planning our wedding, I’m already starting on him about the kids thing, so the poor guy can’t catch a break =)

Post # 12
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh I should add that my fi and I were together 8.5 years when he proposed (High School Sweethearts!)

Post # 13
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You really need to think this through VERY carefully!

Say the time comes, and there is no proposal. You then have two options. You can stay, thus making your word worth nothing (and you probably will never get the proposal at that point), or you can go, and lose your man. If marriage means more to you than having the love you have built. then so be it.

Just be prepared for the consequences…whenever you do anything that resembles an ultimatum.

Post # 14
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I basically have a timeline of this September when my lease is up.  I will not move in without a commitment of a greater nature and he knows this.  If I have to live somewhere else, I will most likely break up with him and move on.  It has been 4.5 years and it is time to S*it or get off.

Post # 15
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee

This is what I plan on saying if another month goes by…

“I want to let you know that I love you and I would love for us to get married.  I think you are a wonderful man and we’ve had a lot of fun together.  But I have my own time frame.  I’m letting you know that at some point, if we are not engaged, I’m going to have to move on.”

When one door closes another one opens.  A lot depends on where you are in life.  I am going to be 33 this fall and personally I don’t have time for 2+ year relationships that don’t lead to marriage.  Marriage is more important to me now especially since I don’t want to wait too much longer to have kids.

A soft ultimatium like the above is fine especially if you have a date in your head.  I wouldn’t say marry me by this date or else!  But it’s fine to give them a heads up that they better start thinking about the future.

Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

We have a loose timeline. I’m a planner I like plans but bf doesn’t think I should know when it will happen. When we first started dating I told him I thought that you knew with in the first year of dating if you wanted to spend your life with a person. If you don’t know by then it’s time to move on. (My own personal feelings, if it’s not you, no offense) We discussed how much was reasonable to spend on an engagment ring and what we agreed on to be a reasonable time of engagement (6-12 months).  Then when it looked like his military schedule might screw up my personal timeline I decided to tell him when I wanted to be married (Fall 2011.) So he told me it would happen in the next year (now 10 months since he told me that) to keep some of the suprise in there. I know that it won’t happen in the next three months.

Soooo sometime between October and May. He’s going to be away in August and September so I figure he won’t have time then but when he get’s back he’ll have commision pay. Around Novemember (our anni) I’ll start to get antsy, in the mean time I’m feeling cool cucumber and comfortable knowing he knows what I’m thinking and he agrees.

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