Post # 1
So, my girlfriend is quite open about her past. She has told me about some of her exes and told me about one guy, we shall call him Gary, who lives in Canada.
My girlfriend lives in Australia. Gary moved to Australia for 3 months before I was on the scene, so I have never met him. He then moved back to Canada. She has told me how during those 3 months in Australia they met and started a friendship and she only really clicked that she fancied him about 1 week before he flew back to Canada. She said they then started messaging daily once he was back in Canada and it started to become obivious the feelings were mutual. Apparently neither of them ever admited to liking the other, it was all a bit of almost high school flirting. My girlfriend then booked flights to go and see him in Canada. They both continued to speak daily about their plans when my girlfriend would be there with him….then he apparently started messaging less and my girlfriend knew something was up. She said that one month before flying out to see him he messaged her saying ‘oops, when you come to Canada, I will be in Europe for work. I can only see you for about 3 days’. According to my girlfriend she was crushed at this point and quite angry with him. She went anyway, spent a couple of nights at his house and said he was quite cold towards her and nothing every happened between them. Then she says she travelled around Canada on her own for the rest of her stay and said she had an amazing time and one of her favourite holidays.
Anyway, I then come on the scene about 7 months after all this.
The other day she was out and had left her facebook on. I didn’t realise until, whilst on another website, I heard the sound facebook makes when someone messages you. I clicked on the open facebook tab and saw it was a message from this canadian dude saying ‘hey, how was your christmas?’…..I scrolled up and saw that they chat maybe once every 3 months or so. As I was scrolling I saw that he had asked about me, had said ‘if I come back to Australia for a bit we should meet and I can meet *insert my name here* he looks like a decent guy’…..then she had asked ‘have you got anyone special in your life these days?’ at which he replied ‘I have been meaning to tell you, but I didn’t know the right time or place, yes, please don’t fall off your chair but I am seeing a guy actually’. My girlfriend proceeced to say ‘That is great. I am so happy for you, you deserve to be happy. How long have you been seeing him for?’ and he replied ‘about 3 years actually’.
I feel a bit funny about it all, do you think when my girlfriend asked if he has anyone special in his life she was hoping he wpuld say no? that he would still be pining after her? Is it strange they are still talking? She used to fancy him. I just don’t know what to do about all this.
Post # 2
I think that’s actually pretty normal.
Post # 3
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
Well you were snooping in her messages so my suggestion is you do nothing bc nothing needs to be done. She told you about this person, this person knew exactly who you were so she’s clearly been honest about being in a relationship. Unless both of you agreed not to have friends of the opposite sex, for whatever insecure reasons, then she hasn’t done anything wrong and nothing in her messages indicates she has.
Post # 4
Dude you need to chill. He mentioned you, so only polite for her to ask. Besides he’s gay (which explains why nothing happened with them) so it’s not like he’s trying to get into her knickers. stop looking at her FB, stop trying to see something that isn’t there.
Post # 5
No if a friend asked me about my fiancé then the next logical question for me to ask would be about their SO. Chill.
Post # 6
. . . in Australia they met and started a friendship and she only really clicked that she fancied him about 1 week before he flew back to Canada.
This is attention worthy. Notice that your gf’s interest in this guy was sparked one week before he left for Canada. She knew he was only in Australia for three months. This suggests that your gf was drawn in by this guy’s unavailability. Be mindful of that.
None of us have the foggiest notion as to why your gf asked her friend if he was seeing anyone. Even if we all whip out our Secret Decoder Rings in unison (we so enjoy doing that), we still would be merely speculating. It’s not unusual to ask a single friend whether they are seeing anyone as part of a catch up conversation.
You could put the same questions to the World’s Leading Authority on Your Girfriend—your girlfriend.
My suggestion is that you pull some of your energy back from fretting over your gf’s communication with her friend. Then, you can take a good, hard look at your insecurity. Unless you have left out some important facts, your level of anxiety is excessive to the situation. What is the real source of that anxiety? Is it really your gf or does it go further back? Have you felt this way in all of your relationships, or just this one? Did your girlfriend feel unusually familiar to you when you met? Anything about your dynamic that makes you feel as if you have seen this movie before?
If the relationship is the source of this much discomfort and anxiety, you don’t belong in it. If the source is within you, an unconscious remnant of some earlier wounds, that must be dealt with, to avoid repeating unhealthy patterns.
Post # 7
You should break up with her because she deserves to be in a relationship with a trustworthy partner (i.e. one who doesn’t dig through her stuff or spy on her and then post her conversations on public internet forums because they are insecure that she has a past).
You posted a benign conversation of two people catching up and asking perfectly normal questions about each other’s lives. It’s called small talk and being a good conversationalist.
Post # 8
First, I’d just like to point out that there is a pretty obvious double standard at work here because female posters come on here all the time describing how they combed through their boyfriend/husband’s emails/text messages/credit card receipts, and no one bats an eyelid. But when a male poster comes on to tell the same tale, he is reprimanded for snooping.
My personal viewpoint is that snooping is never justified (for either men or women) unless your partner has actually done something shady and has given you concrete reasons to distrust him or her and you are simply wanting to make sure you are correct before confronting him or her. Snooping should never be used simply to trawl for reasons to feel insecure when a partner has behaved in an entirely trustworthy manner.
The reason is perfectly illustrated by this post. The OP simply felt insecure (his own feelings only, nothing his girlfriend had done) and so went snooping looking for evidence. He found something which is perfectly harmless which his own feelings of insecurity have blown out of proportion. This is always what happens when insecurity and baseless jealousy is at the root of snooping. You always find something which makes you feel worse and which makes you feel “vindicated.”
OP, your girlfriend’s behaviour and conversation with her friend were entirely harmless and nothing to feel threatened over. But if you continue in this way, you will eventually suffocate your relationship and push your girlfriend away. There is nothing worse for a trustworthy person than to have to defend their behaviour when they have done nothing wrong.
Post # 9
You’re reading way too much into their conversation. Judy two people catching up.
Post # 10
They had a perfectly normal conversation. Nothing to worry about. Quit snooping.
Post # 11
I don’t see what the issue is. You’re reading into it.
Post # 12
Aw I think people are being a little harsh. It does seem like a normal conversation and the guy actually seems really nice and respectful (besides the ditching your gf part but clearly he was working out some person things at the time). I’d be more concerned about if you knew they contacted each other this whole time. How long have you two been together? You obviously know a good deal of their story so if she still was in contact shouldn’t you know about that? So depending on how long you’ve been together that would be my issue with the whole thing. A simple “hey a message from blah blah popped up on the computer the other day, do you guys talk often?” Should get the convo started. Be curious but not accusatory. Obviously nothing is going on but what if he was single and straight? I would feel uncomfortable about my partner talking to an old crush, telling them about ME, while I didn’t know my partner was even still in contact. I also have a different opinion than most here on “snooping”. Absolutely my bf has no right to go through my things and be reading my convos on the regular but you know what, if something popped up on my phone or anywhere else that gave him a weird vibe or uncomfortable feeling I would EXPECT him to check it out a bit. And then come talk to me about it and why he felt uncomfortable and figure out what we can do for everyone to feel secure going forward.
Post # 13
OP, I would admit to your SO that you have read her Facebook messenger conversation(s). I further encourage you and your SO to have a conversation about your feelings and potential insecurities. It sounds like there is room for better communication.
Regarding what you found – their dialogue was innocent.
Post # 14
I don’t think there is anything whatsoever wrong with their conversation. He mentioned you and says you seemed like a nice guy and she asked if he was seeing anyone. That’s perfectly normal and appropriate.
I do think it’s a bit strange that she told you about the relationship, apparently in great detail, and managed to leave out the fact that they are apparently still in regular communication when she sort of implied they had lost touch. At least that’s how I read it.
Post # 15
littlelonelyman2018 : I agree with previous posters that her conversation(s) are harmless.
But I highly recommend figuring out what prompted these insecurities and seriously work on them because your partner deserves better than that.