(Closed) What Does Being “Engaged” Mean to You?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What do you think an engagement is?

    The period of time in which to plan a wedding (if you can plan it in 6mo, why be engaged for 6yrs).

    A public announcement of your intent to marry -- whether it be 6 months down the road, or 6 years.

    Other (please explain).

  • Post # 32
    Member
    1975 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

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    @nellybee:  + 1

    Post # 33
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee

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    @GreenSkittle:  I completely agree with everything you just said!! My SO and I are planning on getting engaged in the next year and then having a long engagement (anything from 3-5years probably) and we’re totally happy with it that way! Like yourself, we really view it as another stage in the relationship that further cements your commitment to your partner. We want to enjoy being engaged, many of our friends say they had an amazing time being engaged but wish it was longer (they only allowed enough time to plan a wedding).

    We also don’t have the finances to get married (although I’ve been playing with the idea of a simple court house ceremony) but that doesn’t mean we’re not ready for that next step. I feel funny calling my SO my boyfriend because he’s so much more than that. Why should we have to postpone taking that next step with one another because we can’t currently afford a wedding? 

    Im sorry you have to endure snarky comments from other people. Every situation is different. Some people want to get married as soon as possible (and that’s great!) and some people want to wait (which is great too!). I wish more people would just accept and respect the time people wish to spend being engaged (whether short or long). Good luck with the rest of your engagement! And happy planning when you do start getting ready for your wedding ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 34
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I agree with that. If you’re engaged and you don’t even have a year picked yet, that isn’t a good sign. However, in my opinion, if a couple is having a long engagement and they have an approximate date set and they’re planning for the wedding by doing research or as much as they can at that point, it’s just as real as a shorter engagement. Like I said before, if a couple has a real reason for having a long engagement (money, military, school, etc., not just procrastination) and they have a date (or at least a year and a season) set, then I see nothing wrong with having a long engagement. There’s a difference between intentionally having a long engagement for a reason and just dragging it out. Sorry if that wasn’t clear before!

    Post # 35
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

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    @Jacqui90:  

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    @Miss_Lala:  

    Exactly! That’s the point I was trying to make. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

    Post # 36
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    For me, it was important that we get engaged with the intent to marry in the near future. It all kind of came naturally: moving in with him and combining all of our stuff was basically our commitment to eventually marry, I just couldn’t call him my fiance (I usually referred to him as my significant other; that sounded closer to how serious we were than “boyfriend”). Engagement came about as a way to say, “Okay, we’re ready to get married now. Let’s start planning the wedding.”

    That being said, I feel like it’s totally a personal thing. I don’t judge people in long engagements, because what worked for us doesn’t work for other people. People, and their relationships included, are different.

    Edit: Wanted to clarify a little bit more on why I felt that way about engagement. Personally, I was a little scared of getting sucked into an “engagement void”. Fiance and I are both procrastinators, sometimes we talk about “some day” and then don’t do anything to make that happen. So we would talk about getting engaged “some day”, and getting married “some day” after that. And that’s why I felt it was important to have that intent when we got engaged. It’s our way of saying, “Some day is now. Let’s make this happen.”

    Post # 37
    Member
    972 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    PERSONALLY, I view “engaged” as “we are engaged to be married”… as in soon (soon being relative to planning a wedding lol).  DH and I were on the same page, he brought up marriage, we agreed we both wanted to get married, and that meant we were engaged, and should get married ~6-12 months from getting engaged.  Because less than 6 months was not enough time to plan/buy rings/etc and more than 12 months became “are you guys going to get married or not?”.

    NOW, for other people, I think as long as you have a firm plan for when you’re getting married, it’s fine.  Like after we graduate college, or high school, or I make partner, or have a house, or whatever you agree on… long as you agree and keep moving in that direction to me you’re engaged!

    On the other hand I have a cousin who’s engaged, which I was shocked as he was anti-marriage, but then so was DH when I met him and I didn’t really care so no pressure and he changed his mind.  So I asked my cousin if they set a date and he said “You know, it’s more like a permanent engagement… cause marriage is an institution…” (blah, blah).  So, ya, that I don’t agree with.  If you aren’t planning on marrying at a specific date or time frame, don’t get engaged!  It’s not another “relationship level”, it’s a promise to get married!  Ok, so I guess it is another relationship level, but it’s one with a specific outcome expected…  If you aren’t getting married you’re just confusing people and getting a lot of confused questions. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 38
    Hostess
    2633 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Jenniphyr:  i voted the first option as a time to plan…but i totally get your point of view. In a sense I guess the engagement is a mix of the 2, it is a public announcment, but it is also a time to plan (somewhere in that timeline). I personally couldn’t be engaged for 4 years but that is just …i need things to be moving…lol. If it works for you do it.

    As for your friend, iif I were them I would call each other “betrothed” or or “engeged”, a ring is not neccissary….if ppl ask them why they can just say they ddin’t see the need to spend money on a ring at this point

    Post # 39
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    There’s a difference between having a long engagement but doing it for the right reasons, having a date set, and planning as much as you can at the moment (even if it’s saving money or doing research, it doesn’t only mean booking and buying things) and dragging an engagement on for no reason and having no intention of even setting an approximate date any time soon. I think that’s the point I’m trying to make. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I voted for a public announcement of your intent to marry — whether it be 6 months down the  road, or 6 years.

     

    For my first marriage, when I was 23, we announced our “engagement” as a way to announce that we were getting married approx. 3 months later.  I didn’t want an ering and it was a little bit awkward when people asked to see the ring, but with such a short engagement, it didn’t really bother me.

    This time around, I am having a much longer engagement. My Fiance proposed to me in March 2012 and a year later we are just now starting to discuss wedding dates and plans (probably Oct 2013, but that’s not decided yet).  I wear an engagement ring and so does he, so the world knows we are in a committed relationship with each other.

    Because he has 3 kids from his prior marriage (I have none) we wanted to give the kids time for the idea of him getting married again to really settle in before we started rushing into plans. Also, because I’ve lived alone for the past 15 years, we decided that I would move in to his house so we could see if all of us (and my two dogs plus his dog) could all live together without WWIII breaking out.  We didn’t want to set a date until I had been living with them for a while. I moved in in November, and while it has been an adjustment for all of us, there have been no “deal breakers”. So now, it seems like the right time to start making plans.

    I wouldn’t have wanted to move in with him and his children without being engaged, but I also wouldn’t have wanted to start putting down deposits and booking vendors for a wedding until I lived with him for a while. So, for me, getting engaged for the sole purpose of just planning the actual wedding wouldn’t have made sense. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1540 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I see it as you’re planning a wedding-soon (within  1.5 years depending on when he proposed/season you want to marry)

    SO and I have talked about it, and for us, we only want to have an engagement of about 1 year. We’ve been together almost 6 years and lived together 4. We don’t need to be engaged just to “prove ourselves” to others. I know some women just want that commitment from the guy to be sure about how serious he is, but I know what his intentions are in our relationship.

    I think the actual engagement and proposal/ring is a lot about tradition, which I do appreciate. SO wants to propose and give me a nice ring, which I like ๐Ÿ™‚

    However, I think everyone is aloud to do their own thing. I have friend who had a 3.5 year engagment. If it works for them, then I don’t care! It’s not my right to judge other people’s relationships/decisions.

     

    Post # 42
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I picked “public declaration to marry.” Even though we have been talking about marrying since we became a couple and we’ve recently started telling family/friends that we are headed for marriage, I don’t consider us engaged yet because for me it’s when we announce our intentions to “get the show on the road,” as someone else put it, and set a date. I’m job-searching and refuse to get engaged until I get one, so that’s delaying things. But I want a verrrry simple wedding and we’ve only been dating 18 months so I’m not chomping at the bit to get engaged. I also don’t think being in a relationship and being engaged are really that different-after all, getting engaged doesn’t change your legal status at all. I know he is eager to “upgrade” from bf/gf to fiancee though!

    As far as other people having long engagements, they have their reasons. Maybe they are still saving money, maybe they want to finish school, maybe they didn’t want to move in before engagement but wanted to live together for awhile before the wedding, maybe they have a perfect venue in mind and need to book way ahead, maybe they have a lot of international guests flying in and they want to give them plenty of time to make arrangements. I do agree with others that I have a hard time taking it seriously if they can’t even set a year though!

    Post # 43
    Member
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I voted that it was a public announcement of the intent to marry. 

    FH and I have had a long engagement and we’ve gotten a lot of flack about it, mostly, why we are even engaged if we weren’t planning on getting married for so long. We wanted at least one of us to be finished with school and have a better job. Then FH’s mother passed and he’s needed time to deal with his emotions. 2014 is just the year that made sense for us, despite getting engaged in 2010. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I don’t agree with any of those definitions. I think that being engaged is having a certain and definitive intention of marriage in the mid to short term.

    Post # 45
    Member
    699 posts
    Busy bee

    @Jenniphyr:  i prefer to call my mate, my SO, or my spouse(common-law here) and other half. partner is another. He occasionally calls me the wife, but mostly it’s just gf. we’ve been dating for 4+ yhears now, no official engagement. maybe never will be as here in AB, we have a common law that states that anyone living together for 12+months has the same rights as married couples. less expensive lol

    Post # 46
    Member
    1348 posts
    Bumble bee

    I want to be engaged before my SO and I move overseas, mostly because I want the security of knowing he’ll be ready to marry me for citizenship reasons (we’ll be 5 years into our relationship by then so it’s a good time to make the next step anyway). I’ll still be in school for 1-2 years and would ideally wait until after school to get married.

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