(Closed) What Does Being “Engaged” Mean to You?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What do you think an engagement is?

    The period of time in which to plan a wedding (if you can plan it in 6mo, why be engaged for 6yrs).

    A public announcement of your intent to marry -- whether it be 6 months down the road, or 6 years.

    Other (please explain).

  • Post # 47
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think long engagements are silly.  By which I mean, getting engaged with no intention of getting married any time soon. 

    I can understand wanting to make your commitment public while you save up for a wedding though.  Then the intention to get married is still there.  Still, I do believe the engaged stage wasn’t meant to last 3+ years.  Besides, when I got engaged, I KNEW that I was ready to get married, so the only time in between was the time it took to actually pick a date and plan the wedding.  Our engagement will have been almost exactly 1 year long.  I think 8 months to about a year and a half is the perfect length.  Much longer than that doesn’t make sense unless you are trying to save money for the wedding – or there are other special circumstances.

    Post # 48
    Member
    855 posts
    Busy bee

    If it was intent to marry, then we’d have been ‘engaged’ within 2 months of being together, because it was at 2 months or so that we both said we wanted to be together forever.

    Engagement, to us, was to be in a period of ‘planning our wedding’ and i find it strange to get married and NOT start to plan.

    If you plan for a wedding in 2 years, then fine! but I don’t understand ‘we’re engaged but we’ll plan a wedding in a few years when we’re ready’. why get engaged if you’re not ready?

    Just how I see it.

    Also – NOT saying that this is the case with everyone, but EVERY couple i have known that hasn’t gone straight into wedding planning as soon as they got engaged, broke off their engagement.

    Post # 49
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    It isn’t always possible to plan right away. We would start booking and buying things now if we could, but we can’t. We’re preparing in other ways, such as researching and saving money. An engagement isn’t only an intent to get married, it’s a formal agreement. Just my opinion.

    Post # 50
    Member
    569 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @Jacqui90

    @GreenSkittle

    +1

    I don’t understand how some people around here think they have any right to criticise the length of someone else’s engagement, for ANY reason. My long engagement is not “silly,” as someone on this board has called it. It’s been long distance, difficult, sometimes painful and worth every second of it.

    The dictionary definition of engagement is much closer to option #2: Pledged to be married. You don’t get engaged to start planning a wedding. You get engaged because you want to commit to spending the rest of your lives together. The “planning” is entirely incidental to the concept. Fiance and I made a promise to each other 3 years ago, and fully intend to keep it, no matter how long it takes before we can actually live in the same country.

    As for questioning our commitment to each other because of a lengthy engagement…we’ve been together for 12 years. Most of it long distance and a good deal longer than many marriages last. We’ve been toying with the idea of using Etta James “At Last” for our first dance lol!

     

     

    Post # 51
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    @Summer_Rose: Preach it! I agree 100%! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that isn’t an excuse to be rude. It’s one thing to prefer a shorter engagement, but another to criticize someone else for having one.

    Post # 52
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    @Summer_Rose:  You basically said what I was thinking…No one gets to tell anyone else when it’s ok for them to be engaged. I sometimes wonder how some of these very critical women would feel if they found themselves in circumstances that prevented them from getting married in their so called “ideal” time frame. Would they be willing to wait another 5 years for an engagement?

    When my bf and I get engaged (which will hopefully be soon), we will be waiting a few years for the wedding as I am in graduate school and would lose my grants if we did get married.

    Nobody has any right to tell anyone else how to conduct their relationship. If someone wants to be engaged indefinitely, that’s no one else’s business but theirs. With the way some people react, you’d think it was affecting their personal lives…

    View original reply
    @nellybee:  You mentioned something about the couple breaking off their engagement because they were engaged for “too long”. Well, plenty of people get married in this “ideal” time frame and end up in divorce. The length of engagement says absolutely nothing about the strength of the relationship or the commitment of the parties involved.

    View original reply
    @Pokemon:  Why do you feel the need to draw a line? If it’s legitimate to them that’s all that matters. You also said you consider them more serious than just dating, would that be the case if they weren’t engaged?

    Post # 53
    Member
    257 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @Missy E:  I didn’t say they break it off because they were engaged too long. I have been with my fiance for going on 6 years. We got engaged a little after five years, and will have an 18 month engagement , so it’s not exactly short and we do understand there are sometimes special circumstances. 

     

    What I am saying is that I know a number of couples that have gotten “engaged”, because one of them felt pressured, or they viewed it as the next phase of the relationship. All of them either ended in a breakup or they are still “engaged” years later with no plans to marry anytime in the future. I think that is silly, and I don’t take them seriously. Honestly a lot of them the man proposed to get his girlfriend to get her off his back basically, he had no real plans to marry her any time soon. To me if there are no special circumstances stopping you from getting married relatively soon and you still don’t then it doesn’t make sense to me. An engagment to me is basically if we could get married now…we would. I don’t view it as a time to see if you want to get married. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    @nellybee:  I agree with you on the “if we could get married now, we would”. I thought your post was referring simply to the amount of time a couple is engaged. Obviously if a couple gets engaged because one of them is feeling pressured to do so but not because they both want to be engaged, then that is an issue.

    Post # 55
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    @nellybee: Perfectly worded! 

    Post # 56
    Member
    569 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @Missy E:  I’m also in grad school 🙂 Ohhh I can’t wait to be done!!! I totally understand how it’s been necessary to wait. I’ve had a few friends get married whilst in grad school. It was very hard on them both financially and logistically.

    All the best to you and future FI!

    ps…oops..sorry had to edit because I accidentally hit reply too soon…

    Post # 57
    Member
    569 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @GreenSkittle:  

    Thanks 🙂 It’s nice to know I’m not alone in thinking this way!

    Would we have preferred a shorter engagement? Yeah probably, but it’s just how it worked out. No regrets at all. Can’t believe it’s finally happening after all these years!

    Post # 58
    Member
    2085 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    for me, it’s not about the public announcement… it’s about me and him.  It’s him asking me to be his wife, and I said yes… and we’ve changed our level of commitment in a way.  It means we’ve essentially already promised each other to spend our lives together, but now we have this time to enjoy that commitment and take our time to plan how we want to make that commitment publicly.  It offers me essentially the same security as marriage.  He’s told me he wants me for the rest of his life, he spent a great deal of money on a ring for me… I know i’m the most important person in his life and vice versa. 

    For me, the engagement I guess is just the time period for us to plan the wedding… I don’t believe in the point of a super long engagement.  If you want to get married, then get married.  We have a 2 year engagement because of schooling etc and it just makes the most sense financially and time wise.

    Post # 59
    Member
    410 posts
    Helper bee

    Coming from a traditional Mexican family an engagement to me really is like a public promise of our intent to marry. This is important to me because its a big deal for my parents. I would love for them to also see the seriousness of our relationship. I live very much for myself but what i can still make them proud of or whatever values i can still hold i would.

    Post # 60
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    @Summer_Rose: Exactly! I don’t think anyone wants to wait longer to marry the love of their life, but sometimes, it’s the only choice. Good luck and early congratulations!

    Post # 61
    Member
    2689 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Engagement to me is more than a time to plan a wedding or a declaration of our intent to the world. I don’t really care what people think about us being engaged or not being engaged. Fiance and I knew we were getting ready long before we got engaged. For me our engagement is a deep, emotional commitment to each other. It was a new step in our relationship, a place for us to grown when we outgrew “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”

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