What does he mean by this…

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

I personally don’t think it’s weird that someone wouldn’t be ready to have sex with someone they’ve met in person 4 or 5 times (or had 4 or 5 dates with if you knew him before).  The part where he says you scare him because you have your life together is concerning, though. 

Post # 3
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Maybe I’m naive but I think it’s a good thing he isn’t just trying to nail you right out the gate? In my experience the men who were serious about me wanted to put more emotional work in up front before getting physical because they weren’t just looking for sex.

Post # 4
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I think he sounds like a really decent guy. I would take him at his word.

Post # 5
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like he’s really interested in you, and maybe he just doesn’t want to mess it up by jumping the gun too soon? It’s not a bad idea to be taking things slowly, especially since there’s a child involved. 

Post # 6
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yeah If I were you I would want clarification about what he means that you having your life together scares him. That’s a red flag. I would ask him what that meant. Then I would follow up with what type of women he is used to dating and what that looks like. 

The no sex yet isn’t a bad thing, but his ” I want to fall in love first” is kinda odd.. so is his taking you into the kitchen… tread lightly, ask questions and just get to know him better before you emotionally invest. 

Post # 7
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Oh and I don’t think anything he is doing is a ploy to use you for sex while he dates around. If anything he is saying things to you that lead me to believe he is trying to prep you to accept his flaws.  I’ve seen that tactic before. A man who is divorced who is 35 and not interested in sex with the woman he is dating? Would make me worry he has an issue be it an std or a performing issue. A man wanting you to fall in love with him fast sounds like a guy trying to get you hooked before he lifts the curtain and shows you all his baggage thinking, well now she is stuck bc she loves me. Just be careful with this one. Make sure you really get to know him before you get in too deep. 

Post # 8
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Maybe he’s scared that once you have sex, there will be nothing left for him to give you. To phrase it differently, maybe he’s used to being the financial provider in previous relationships, but you don’t need that from him. He could be scared because of self-esteem or controlling issues. 

Post # 9
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

Could he maying be self conscious about his body & member?

 

Wants to have a connection with you before you make snap judgements on his… you know?

 

I know a few less ‘blessed’ men and they felt this way a lot. 

 

ETA: ALso as per PP maybe performance as well?

Post # 10
Member
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think 4 or 5 dates is an outrageous amount of time to wait to have sex with someone you are newly dating? Is this the new standard? I have been married a decade this year and I am so out of the loop!

Post # 11
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
eeniebeans :  it’s not crazy to wait that long but in my experience women tend to be the gatekeepers to sex. Most men wouldn’t turn down sex when offered so it’s worth her being more cautious about what his real motives are behind why he is saying no to sex with her. Could be a normal reason, but so far the reason he has given sounds weird. 

Post # 12
Member
3523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It sounds like he’s extremely serious about your relationship and wants to be careful not to ruin things. It does make me wonder if in the past he’s had some bad experiences with the impact sex has on a relationship. He seems to think it is something that could break your bond, rather than make it stronger. 

I think it’s a little strange that he is scared to ruin things with you because you have your life together. Is there a reason that women who “have it together” wouldn’t usually date him..? I’m questioning his self-esteem a tad bit. 

However, it’s only been 5 dates. None of this seems strange. Obviously he makes out with you and has expressed interest. Plus, he asked consent before touching your boobs? Hell yeah! He seems like a good guy. Why don’t you talk to him more about your perspective and talk about when he thinks he’ll feel comfortable having sex?

Post # 13
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

I mean, it’s certainly reasonable to not have intercourse right away, but if you all keep dating a bit and he is also avoiding other types of sex, it merits a clarifying discussion. I also don’t like his scared of you thing. It’s manipulative, IMO. Proceed with awareness. 

Post # 14
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Id be cautiously optimistic. I think it takes quite a bit of effort to turn down sex in the middle of making out since he’s most likely turned on. Whats fueling that effort could be anything: respect, sexual disfunction, insecurity etc. I cant imagine a guy who is seeing multiple women would only sleep with some of them & not the others?! I just dont think its because he’s seeing other women. He’s putting a lot of energy & effort into you. He definitely seems into you. Its most likely that he’s wanting to do things right because you could be the 1 for him. 

Post # 15
Member
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Ew, are some of you serious? He doesn’t want sex with someone he’s barely gotten to know so he must have a little dick? That’s a horrible outlook on life. What if you ladies waited and someone said you must have saggy meat flaps or you wouldn’t be so self conscious? Can’t it be that the guy is more of a ‘gentleman’ and that’s not a bad thing?

It sounds like he takes modern women seriously or he wouldn’t be asking consent to touch in the heat of the moment. Maybe with the kinds of bad press different perspectives get (by any side wanting to paint the other as crazy), he’s not willing to take immediate risks. Maybe he really does want to get to know OP better before deciding to stick it in her. Maybe he doesn’t have a box of condoms at the ready but thinks that sounds crass. Maybe he just doesn’t jump in the sack before he’s in love. 

OP, the only thing I’d worry about, a little, is that he’s feeling not good enough. I’d probably dig down some to find out why. Insecurity is unattractive to me, but he may just be sucking up or poorly wording his thoughts. 

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