- 3 months ago
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
I’m a fence sitter too – and at almost 32 feel like I should know one way or the other. My husband and I have agreed that we’ll decide yes or no to children by 35, so that we can make better plans for our future.
Most of my issues are around what would likely happen to my body. The idea of pregancy and childbirth is terrifying – a c-section just as much as vaginal. I don’t want to put up with weeks/months of nausea. I could do without bigger boobs. I dread my abdominal muscles separating etc etc. The thought of actually raising a child doesn’t really bother me but I’m not excited at the prospect either.
I suspect as my husband lacks the ability to give birth, we’ll end up not having children, and he’s not open to adoption, though I would be.
For years I’ve been on the fence. While with my ex (4 years), I knew he likely didn’t want them and I felt fairly okay with that. He didn’t feel able to be a father and didn’t feel sure about bringing a child into this world, and I was understanding. I value my identity, my sleep, my freedom, my money, my traveling. Everything. I love animals, so I felt I could make a ‘full’ life for myself with a husband and pets.
I’m now 30, with a boyfriend I would like to spend my life with, and still don’t have ‘baby fever’. However, I’ve always LIKED kids (even now, I babysit occasionally) and definitely see how I could be devoted to my own child. I’ve already had experiences of a hurt child coming to me in tears, I’ve explained math lessons, I’ve cleaned up messes and hurried them into the car (THOSE SHORT LEGS OMG) because we had places to be. I’ve answered weird kid questions, I’ve set some boundaries, and I’ve wiped butts. I’ve comforted after nightmares, I’ve caught the ‘super scary deadly’ moth while they SHRIEKED in my ears, and I’ve juggled making dinner and keeping straight the cow milk from the almond milk for their different preferences.
I was never against children, but neither did I feel my life would absolutely be incomplete without them. My mom has told me with complete sincerity that she thinks I would be a great mom. At the same time, I’m not a particularly selfless person and having a child means sacrificing SO much, changing SO much. I am already a high anxiety person and that is such an overwhelming thought!!
For me, the shift I have started to experience has been fairly recent and very slow. Basically, when I think of those things, I’m a tiny bit less terrified and feel a little bit more like it would truly be worth it. I do love kids; I’ve always considered a second career teaching science (though boy do I have respect for what teachers experience, yikes). I know that my boyfriend now does want two kids (I would want 2-3 so that works well) and I feel he would be a good father. I love him, we have similiar life aspirations, our families are both wonderful and would enjoy a(nother) grandchild, etc. He’s a genuinely good guy and we have a great support system on both sides. His sister has a stepson and hopes for 1 more child, while I have two nephews and my brother and his wife also hope for 1 more. Having such anxiety, knowing that I have that circle of close family and other parents of young kids is such a comfort to feel less alone.
But like I said, I still don’t feel any ‘baby fever’. We hope to move in together sometime next year and would want to be married before doing making new humans, plus I don’t want to have to start trying right after the honeymoon due to any age/health concerns. But yes, I am interested in having a family that involves children. They are messy, loud, ridiculous, sassy, challenging, infuriating, honest, sweet, observant, and special.