(Closed) What does it mean when your ex…

posted 4 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

maybe he just wants you to be part of his life even though it didn’t work out?

i guess providing that hes not getting flirty with you and its not a secret from your Fi (and he has no problem with it) then its not a bad thing necessarily. well, unless you want him out your life obviously

Post # 4
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Encore Bride here… and someone over 50… so I’ve seen a lot of life.

At first glance it would say… he wants to maintain a friendship with you.

I tho am one that doesn’t believe that men and women can truly be platonic friends… which many Bees have given me a hard time about.

BUT I will tell you WHY I believe this statement to be true

First… Women don’t think or feel like men.  We assume that because WE CAN be platonic friends with men that they can do so also.  False.

Two… If you ask a guy (maybe your Hubby2B) this question, then more than likely he’ll tell you that when a guy is hanging out with a woman on an ongoing basis it is because in some way he is interested in her.  Her is fascinated by her wit, charm, grace, looks, whatever.  And is secretly hoping that someday she’ll notice him… really notice him.

IF the woman has a man in her life now… he somehow envisions that she might not in the future…

He will rarely fall on his sword and proclaim his love / lust / fascination for her… as he feels that would be too embarrassing… if she was to reject him (Men HATE rejectioin).

So much better to live in the fantasy of hope & wishful thinking

As I said, I am over 50.  These are things I have learned thru my lifetime… either by being in the situation, see others in the situation, or by having conversations with more mature men (the 40+) crowd after I was Divorced & Single.

PLUS then you add in the multitude of posts here on WBee where Women who thought they could have longterm platonic relationships with men, only to sometime down the road have them go bad… really really bad, when the truth comes out (as it usually does)… and either a Friendship is ruined or a Marriage… and it can get truly ugly.

So what am I really saying…

This man may have another woman in his life… but it is clearly you he dreams of being with.

He is just reconciled with what is now because of the circumstances he finds himself & yourself in

You Engaged… him with the Baby’s Mamma.

Personally, I’d find a way to distance yourself even more from him… for the sake of your upcoming Marriage, and the shreds of a friendship you have in tact… Past Loves are great things… but they should be safely tucked away in the past IMO

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 7
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with TTR, men don’t usually just want to be friends, unless they’ve always just been your friend, and even then sometimes it’s not about friendship for them.  Even talking to them, or replying means that you care to them, and there’s some shred of hope that they hang on to.

If you’re dead set on remaining friends, I suggest you make sure the conversations never get flirty, and that you make it clear to him that you’re happy and you’re only in this for a friendship.  Even that might not work, but at least you’ve done your part in making it as obvious as you can.  Any flirtation with him (if he’s hanging onto any hope) will make him think that you still have some flame for him, and he will never let it go.

Post # 10
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@littleacorn:  Ran it by my fiance. He said that the guy could just be trying to be friends, but he doubts it (remember “When Harry Met Sally?” The whole “men and women can’t be friends discussion? Exactly). Apparently a lot of guys my fiance knew in college did stuff like that to “keep their options open.” They would periodically check in with the exes that they still care about, just in case they want to revisit that relationship down the road when things fall through with their current girl. He said that most guys know that it’s always easier to get back with an ex than to find someone new. 

 

Your ex may be looking for a reason to get out of his current relationship, too. It’s disgusting, but some guys won’t end one relationship until they think they have another lined up.

 

My biggest concern is why you’re even giving this enough thought to post a thread on the subject. Why do you care what your ex’s motives are? You’re engaged. I’d just be glad you have found a great guy who isn’t a game player–and leave the ex where he belongs: in your past.

 

Post # 11
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @littleacorn:  Lol, my rule of thumb is No Exes at a Wedding… but I know not everyone thinks that way

If you invited the other guy… then it is probably ok… in so much as it sounds like under my theory you are the one who is maintaining the friendship more than he is.  And as I said, women don’t regard friendships with men much different than they do with their GFs, just a different gender.

Whereas this other Ex is the one who is keeping the friendship going with you… that is a RED FLAG.

And I see that in the Reply to newname_99: (above # 4) you even mention him being flirty.

So ya more than likely he’s come to realize what a good thing he had with you… and how he foolishly let it get away (not to mention the fact that guys sometimes have this weird thing about women who “are taken” and in happy realtionships… they see that as something they want too… being Engaged or Married makes you even more attractive to them)

I’d just be aware… and plan out your strategy from there

After the Wedding is a great time to use that as an excuse…

“I’m sorry, but now that I’m married, I don’t think it is appropriate for us to go meet up / text / have long convos etc”

Hope this helps,

 

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