(Closed) What does it really mean to forgive and forget?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Sounds to me like you’ll roll down a window, but won’t open a door.  Sure, you talk to these people when your forced to, but let’s face it, your not hiding how you really feel.  I wouldn’t go so far as to accuse you of holding a grudge, but you certainly aren’t forgiving either.

Post # 4
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’d say you’re kind of holding onto it a bit.  Unless they are still being hurtful and offensive, I don’t see what good avoiding them does – and I don’t think you’ve forgiving them.

Of course, if they haven’t really changed, then you’re doing this for self-preservcation. Forviging doesn’t mean letting someone hurt us over and over.

Post # 5
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Just remember that it’s soooo rare for a peron to act out of hatred or deceit, and as a species, humans require and desire interaction with each other.  Now, people may hurt or upset you because they weren’t thinking, they didn’t have all of the information or they were frightened, but all they can do is apologize for it, and hope you forgive them…..remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and if you made one, your apology would be the best you could offer…how would it feel to be held at an arms length, even after you had done all you could to make it right?

Post # 6
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@JustLove25:  i dont think your wrong forgive and forget? i forgive people because it the healthy thing to do holding thing in is not good for anyone’s health but forget never once you cross me i forgive but you cant start from the beginning you will always be weary and on your guard with that person and how can you be blamed they did you wrong. and that’s the price you pay when you do someone wrong. thats life lol maybe im wrong lol just my 2 cents.

Post # 7
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Forgiving, forgetting, and being healthy emotionally CAN BE DIFFERENT THINGS.

Too many people seem to be of the mindset that you forgive the other person for their benefit… when infact it is an act you do / give to yourself.

Something I learned when I was in my 40s.

So for example… I have forgiven people who have done terrible things to me, or against me over the years… even tho they perhaps have not changed their thoughts, opinions or motives towards me.

I have forgiven the Mother who neglected me as a child… because I realize that in “her world” (she has a mental illness) she did the best she could at the time with what skills / coping methods / beliefs she had at hand.  NOT that I agree with any of that, or WHAT she actually did. Just that she didn’t know any better

Does this mean that I have to go out of my way to be nice to her… or interact with her?  NO

I have forgiven my Ex Husband who abused me, and dragged me thru a nightmare of a Divorce when I had enough.  I came to realize that he suffered our whole marriage with issues that I was unable “to fix”… Low Self Esteem – Self Loathing – Depression – and Alcoholism.  I didn’t cause these issues, they were always there… they just manifested themselves in different ways in our relationship over the years.  Again, he did the best he could with what skills / coping methods / beliefs that he had at the time (nothing of any quality in my eyes… but it was what it was).  I obviously couldn’t cope… so I eventually left.

Does this mean that by forgiving him, I’ve forgotten all that has happened ?  Or that I am not still a bit angry in some ways (afterall our family is now divided).  NO

BUT what both these examples mean, is that by forgiving them because they were guilty of something they did based on the facts that they didn’t KNOW ANY BETTER means that I can move forward in a healthy way.

I do not have to embrace my mother, or my Ex. I don’t have to be in their presence if I do not wish.

I AM AN ADULT… and as such I can make decisions about my own life… decisions that impact my own well-being.

So, if that means I decided to forgo the family reunions, and other pleasantries… and the interaction… then so be it (YES it can be difficult)

If it means avoiding the nastiness, fighting and things that make me upset for the long term… then so be it (can be somewhat easier… and perhaps make the other option easier to handle)

If a realtionship is TOXIC / unhealthy it is very mature to let it go, rather than feel obligated to continually doomed to repeat the pattern.

Because in the long run, the person I will spend the greatest amount of time in my life with and trying to understand / reconcile with… well is myself.

To be at peace with oneself is the ultimate

No need to forget the past… but it is wise to learn from it.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 8
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Forgiving and forgetting – the forgetting part means not holding a grudge. But that doesn’t mean you can’t move on remembering what type of person they are so as not to get burned again, etc. Being careful essentially. 

Post # 11
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JustLove25:  I think there’s a difference between holding a grudge and simply being careful/protecting yourself from future hurt.  If someone has wronged me in the past, I may choose to forgive them.  But I’ll be careful about allowing them back in… I might not share with them they way I have before, I might limit contact with them, etc. 

Now, if you still talk about a person and their wrong-doing, no matter how cordial you are to that person, that is still holding a grudge in my book.  Perhaps that’s what your husband and Mom are talking about?

 

Post # 12
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

To me, it’s accepting their apology and moving forward as if nothing happened.  Unless the “thing” that happened is a VERY big deal that would sever the relationship completely. I’m not really into negative energy – I’d rather just truly enjoy being around someone and having them in my life or not at all. So, if you’re a person whom I feel forced to be polite to but I actually can’t stand, I just will cut ties with that person. Family is a bit different – not so easy to sever relationships there. However, a family member would have to do something pretty severe for me to just “tolerate” them because I had to. 

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