Post # 1
So after my drunken meltdown last week, SO and I finally sat down and had a honest, sober discussion. He repeated many of the things he’s said before, that it will happen within 5 years, and he needs us both to be more financially stable. I’m going back to school, and he’s looking to change careers.
But when I told him I would be happy with a long engagement, with time to save up, he finally admitted he’s just not ready. And he doesn’t know why exactly he’s not ready, or when he will be ready, but that’s he absolutely certain I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and he’s absolutely certain we will be married within 5 years. He just doesn’t know when engagement will come. He says to him engagement and marriage is essentially the same thing, and he won’t get engaged unless he was ready to marry the next day.
I feel heartbroken and confused. We’ve been together 4 years now, and I really thought engagement would be coming in the next year. I don’t know if I can wait another 3-4 years with so much uncertainty. I just don’t understand how he can say he will definitely be ready sometime in the next 3-4 years, married for certain in 5, when he doesn’t even know why he isn’t ready. Does this make sense? Should I just accept this? He sounds so earnest about wanting to marry me. I just don’t want to play house for 5 years for him to decide he’s still not ready (which will make it 9 years of dating).
Post # 3
All I can say is *hugs*. I could never wait that long… I’m one of the crazies who gave my Fiance an ultamatum!
Post # 4
That is the worst. Only you can know if you believe him. My husband was kind of the same way, but we were married 6 years after we started dating.
I basically told him to take as long as he needed, but if I got sick of waiting, I would leave. I would have, too. My advice to you is to decide 1st if he’s the one, and then 2nd how long you’re willing to wait for him to figure it out. If it’s going to take him another 4 years – maybe get your own place. Not having you there all the time might make him realize how much he’d like to have you there all the time. I wouldn’t give up my apartment until we got married. 🙂
Post # 5
Four years is a long time. Who knows? Maybe somewhere in between there, something will change and he’ll want to get married sooner. I’ve been with my SO for almost 8 years and as awful as the waiting game is, it’s definitely worth it.
I say if you are happy together and you KNOW it’s not going to happen for a stretch of time, try to push it out of your head. It’s sucky, but it’s the only thing that’s going to keep you sane.
Post # 6
Four years is a long time, and if he doesn’t know now, who is to say that he’ll ever know? When Fi and I first got together – from the very first day – he said he wanted to marry me. And I thought – Hey, I never wanted to get married – but I’m willing to compromise for this man. So I was all serious about our relationship and treating it like we were seriously going to get married the next day (which he also said, he could marry the next day, any day we wanted). But when we talked about marriage, and children, he would get antsy – and he certainly didn’t act like he wanted to marry me at times.
Finally, after 1 year and half, I sat him down and told him – there’s a difference between the relationship you have with just a girlfriend and with the woman you want to marry. I’m not the kind of girl who requires marriage. I never asked you to make promises to me. I’m the one who had commitment issues before entering into a serious relationship. But I love you, and if you tell me you want to marry me – I’m going to take it seriously. The fact that I entered into a committed relationship is very serious to me. So if you’re just saying all these things because you think I want to hear them – then cut it out because I just want the honest truth. If you just want a girlfriend, I can be a girlfriend. And eventually down the line, we’ll probably break up – but I need to know so we’re on the same page and I’m not standing there at the end looking like a damn fool. I don’t want to keep fulfilling a role that doesn’t even exist, or putting myself out there and have nobody catch me. And I don’t want to spend years of my life waiting for you, when this could just be a normal relationship before I do end up meeting someone else and getting married.
I felt like I was always running after him – and if he’d just established that all he wanted was a girlfriend, and to go slow – we could have done that from the beginning. He was the one that set the fast pace, and that really pissed me off. But then after talking about it with him, I realized that he didn’t even know what he wanted. He thought he wanted to marry me, but he didn’t really know what that entailed – I think he was more enamored with the romance of it all.
After our conversation, he started to take things more seriously and put more effort into our relationship.
Perhaps you need to have another serious conversation with him and ask if he feels obligated to tell you that he wants to get married because you want to get married. You don’t want him to tell you things he feels obligated to say. You just want to know the truth, so you’re not waiting for another 5 years. And tell him that you don’t know if you can wait another 5 years. It’s four years – he should know by now whether or not he wants to be married – if he thinks you’re really the one he wants to marry down the line, what’s the difference between today and 5 years? You don’t want to force him into anything because you don’t want him to resent you years down the line for forcing him to do something he regrets. But at the same time, it’s also your life and you don’t want to sit around waiting for him to know. It’s sad and unfair, but time is more precious to women who want a family, and want to go about it the traditional way. We want to find a life partner – and as the years go by, we want to know that we weren’t wasting the prime years on something that wasn’t going to happen.
Post # 7
I let SO know he has until I’m 27 to make an “honest woman” of me. Mostly thats due to all my fertility problems. I want kids before things start getting dicey for my uterus.
Post # 8
My Fiance knew from very early on in our relationship that I was not gonna wait years and years to get married with a guy. Did that for 9 years with my ex and was no way gonna be made a fool of again like that. Should not take 4 years for a guy to know he wants to marry you. Mine knew after 2 years, other financial stuff just got in the way of him getting the ring and proposing. And had he not let me know during that time that he was serious about us getting married(we looked at rings together, discussed what kind of wedding we wanted, etc, etc), I was fully ready to walk if there was no proposal by our 4 year anniversary. I love him of course, but I loved myself more and realized that if he didn’t value marriage the way I did, he wasn’t the right one for me anyways. He proposed in October(2 months before our 4 year anniversary) and I have teasingly told him he almost missed his “expiration date”.
You have to figure out how long you are willing to wait, and this is the hard part, stick to that. I wasted 9 years of my life with a guy thinking we would one day marry and it never happened. If marriage is important to you, don’t you think you deserve to be with a guy that thinks marriage is important to them as well?
Post # 9
How old are you. It definitely concerns me that he doesnt know why but he just isn’t ready. Thats a big red flag after 4 years.
Post # 10
@Swizzle: I’m 25. He’s 26. He says he knows for sure, he just doesn’t feel mature enough yet.
Post # 11
9 years is ridiculous. No no no no no no.
That’s what I think about that.
Post # 12
@witchbaby: I call bull shit. Is it a money issue? Because my Fiance said he wasn’t ready when we were 23. But he was ready when we turned 25 and saved up for 8 months to pay for the ring. And we dated 3 years. I would never wait that long for him to be ready, all the while i was ready years and years ago.
You’ll have to make sure you communicate that to him.
Post # 13
I don’t know- I think he should be ready by now. If it means that much to you, I’d have a talk with him and explain that no engagagement/marriage in the near future is a dealbreaker for you. Then you have to be strong & handle his response in a way that supports that strength. I was with Darling Husband 5 years before he asked, but granted I was never ‘waiting’ or pressuring him, it was actually the opposite of your situation. Good luck girl!
Post # 14
My boyfriend says virtually the same things – we ARE going to get married, I’m the ONE, he just isn’t ready yet. It’s been 3 years, and he doesn’t give me any timeline. He also can’t quite tell me why he isn’t ready. I asked if it was about money, and he says that’s not it (especially because he thinks it is silly to spend a lot of money on a super blingy engagement ring and I don’t even really want a diamond necessarily anyways, and his parents would help us pay for a wedding for sure). It’s not about money exactly, but I think even though he can’t explain it, that it’s about life ‘stability’ issues. Your boyfriend is looking to change careers, and mine is just getting into his career at 31 after graduate school. I think for a lot of men, until they are stably employed in something that they can see themselves doing for a long time (ie. a career not a job) they can’t really think about marriage. My boyfriend also did say that he will be ready to get married when he is ready to have kids, and although he wants to have kids at some point, he isn’t ready now. I definitely agree that we aren’t ready to have kids now either, but I do think we can get married and still wait a few more years to have kids. So, basically, I feel you, for sure, because it’s really really hard to be ready and sure when your partner isn’t ready yet. It can feel like a rejection, but maybe it has nothing to do with you not being right, just with him not being where he wants to be in life yet?
Post # 15
I’m in a bit of the same situation financially. I’m going back to school. He’s still at the bottom of his career barely making anything (possibly changing careers), but he tells me he wants to get married. If he had the money tomorrow, he’d propose to me. He’s openly said he wouldn’t make me wait longer than necessary as he know I’d probably leave him lol. I’m also 25 too. We both agreed the latest we’d get married is in 4 years- that’d 9 years of dating too.
The thing that worries me is that he says he’s not ready and doesn’t know why. He should be just as frusterated about not being able to get married as you. He should express fully that he wants to be married.