(Closed) What does "unfaithful" mean to you?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

 I can honestly say I treat my guy friends the same regardless of whether or not my husband is there.  He doesn’t read my messages of course, but I wouldn’t be worried if he did.  If you are texting, acting, talking, whatever in a way that you’d be worried for your spouse to find out, it’s a problem.

Post # 3
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

If I wouldnt do it in front of my husband I wouldnt do it at all. DH and I both agree that cheating is investing time with someone else that should be spent with your spouse. Now that is not to say we do not have friends. We certainly text our friends but our social circle is only about 4 other couples. They each have the same boundaries as we do. For instance, I needed help moving something and even though I am friends with the husbands in the social circle I would never contact them directly for help, I would message their wives out of respect and ask them to intercede. Its the way myself and my friends operate. 

To us cheating is several things: Emotional affairs,  texting with someone who is not our spouse in a way that can be construed as developing an emotional outlet/attachment and can lead to an affair.

Cheating is kissing, any type of sex either through drunkiness or emotional attachment

My husband does not spend time with other women, except coworkers and then it always very professional. The code of ethics though his job requires that there is no fraternization outside of work and my husband is a stickler for rules. He is a cop after all. 

He does have one female friend and she has been his friend for years, however she is very married and I am not the least bit threatened by her. Our rule is that you do not discuss our intimate or private problems with anyone of the opposite sex unless they are a licensed counselor. 

That may be extreme but its what we are both comfortable with before we got married and remains so to this day. 

Post # 4
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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princessanon0125 :  How long have you been married for may I ask?

We share the same dynamic in our marriage too. However, I find it odd when others get all judgy about OUR relationship. To me, the best role models of marriage that have lasted long and were filled with love were/are relationships exactly as you described.

Post # 5
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Unfaithful is when you’d do something that you can’t be completely transparent about with your spouse/partner.

If you invest your energy that could be used on our marriage into someone else, that’s a problem. One should have friends and family relationships of course, but pre-determined boundaries should be respected by each spouse. Boundaries and simple respect go a long way.

Post # 6
Member
6933 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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kayla037 :  I’d say anything sexual would be unfaithful to me. That vague descriptor aside, I don’t think mild flirting is a problem as it’s generally just joking around and meaningless.  Talking about that person’s ‘sexual’ body features – no.  Touching aside from, say a handshake or goodbye hug – no (read massages, rubbing arms, snuggly nudges). Moving up from that point – hell’s no.  Additionally the emotional stuff – if my husband was chatting with a woman about all his home problems, comparing her favorably to me (I don’t mean “hey you’re a way better biker than skunktastic is” but “you really know how to listen in a way s doesn’t”), ignoring me to speak to her in excess, etc.  And I consider things like strip clubs to be way inappropriate, though porn just makes me laugh.  If he were ignoring me for porn though… not acceptable.  I’ve probably missed some stuff but that’s from the top of my head.

I feel like what counts as unfaithful is obvious, but then you read other responses and realize what a sliding scale it really is.  Luckily husband and I are on the same page about stuff like that.  Also he can’t flirt to save his life anyway.

Post # 7
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

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throwawayaccount123 :  Almost 12 years. I know its not for everyone, but my husband had a very short marriage where his ex had an emotional affair that led to her cheating on him with someone in their social circle. I also went through something similar. When DH and I started dating he revealed very early on that he didnt really know how to handle his feelings on the subject.  I told him I had similar feelings. 

Other people think we control each other, but thats not true at all. I have never told him he cant be friends with other women, and he has never told me I cant have male friends. We just dont because its what makes us comfortable. I cant tell anyone else how to run their marriage but in ours it works. 

Post # 8
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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princessanon0125 :  Thank you for taking the time to respond. I feel exactly like you. I’m excited to find someone of similar thinking because I too have gotten the “we control each other” response or feeling from others. I’m recently married so it was nice to hear you have been married for awhile now.

Post # 9
Member
46 posts
Newbee

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kayla037 :  for non work reasons, I think that it’s inappropriate to be texting late into the night. Or when you find someone else attractive and purposely go out of your way to text them. i used to pretend to be the cool girl, who doesn’t restrict the man but trust me if your gut doesn’t feel at ease about something, however trivial, don’t be ‘cool’ and let it go. I let it go when my Ex invited girls to his house (along with a few guys too but mostly girls) and didn’t tell me about it. To some, that’s ok. To me, it’s a massive red flag. Don’t make your opinions on what is appropriate for others. Find what you yourself can tolerate 🙂

Post # 10
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

My fiancé and I know each other’s phone pass codes. He told me his when I wanted to change his iTunes song while he was driving. 6 months later I realized it was still the same, but I can honestly say I’ve never once looked at his phone without him knowing- because I’ve never felt the need to. 

part of a faithful, honest relationship, IMO, is volunteering random info because you know you have nothing to hide. Another example: my fiancé’s phone will go off and he’ll say “oh that’s this girl from (my latest work / business partnership). She really likes roller coasters, and She just texted me because at our meeting, we were discussing the new Universal Studios coaster and she made it there before you and I did.” Then he’ll show me the text string to show me a pic of the coaster in question or whatever. Doesn’t think anything of it because he knows he’s not doing anything bad.

Post # 11
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

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kayla037 :  To me “innocent flirting” is contradictory. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 For me porn is out, strip clubs are out, flirting is out, etc. The only naked woman you should be enticed by is me. Shouldn’t be being flirty with other women, checking out other women, etc. And as others have said, if you couldn’t say/do it in front of me, pretty good indication you shouldn’t be doing it. I think time can be spent, texting can be ok, etc. just so long as whatever is happening wouldn’t change whatsoever if your SO were to read it/see it. 

Post # 12
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

If you wouldn’t tell me about it, or do it in front of me, it’s not on. I don’t consider strip clubs to be unfaithfulness but I do disapprove of forming close emotional bonds with another woman, so I’m the “strip clubs OK, female best friend not OK” type. That being said, I know I’m prone to jealousy so I do not date guys who have heaps of female friends because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it and we’d probably break up over it. 

Post # 13
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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kayla037 : It’s interesting to see the replies here, and how much they vary.  I suppose that reinforces how important communication is to relationships.

I suppose I’m the most ‘relaxed’ poster so far.  To me, being faithful is working towards this little sacred space we have that only the two of us fit into.  It’s our future, our future family, our future home and those little moments that you only have with your spouse, that is when you are both sick and throwing tissues everywhere, when it’s late at night and you can’t sleep, and all those other little moments.  To me, it’s building our history into something we can look back on and be happy with.  My Fiance and I were young when we started dating.  We both have best friends of the opposite sex, we have made mistakes pertaining to the opposite sex, we are both okay with strip clubs and that sort of entertainment.  To me being faithful is about ones intention more than the delivery.  I have done things I am not proud of in my relationship, however my Fiance has always been all the above in my mind.  If he ceased being that to me, or I started seeing that with someone else, that’s where I would feel I had become unfaithful. 

Post # 14
Member
9399 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think it depends on the woman, really.

Like I’m fine with my DH texting, FB messaging, emailing and spending time alone with his female friends (of whom he has many) because I know them and I know him and I see them interact and I 100% feel it’s platonic (and close) friendship.

If I found him doing any of the above with some girl he’d kept a secret from me?  Red flag and huge betrayal.

If I found him doign any of the above and realized the messages were flirty (which is not a natural thing for my DH to do)? Red flag and betrayal.

Note: one of my exes was a flirty guy.. we agreed we liked to flirt with people, and so long as it was just casual flirting we didn’t care.. for him I’d only have been upset if I realized he’d gotten a number and was pursuing that person.  He flirted with women in front of me (and I’m sure when I wasn’t around) and I flirted with guys in front of him and while I was at work waitressing.  It was never an issue in our two year relationship.  I WAY tone down the casual flirting now that I’m with a hubby who doesn’t flirt with people, because I respect that is our dynamic.  

My point is, this depends on the person… essentially I think crossing the line is showing an actual sexual/romantic interest in someone, versus just being friendly the way you know how.

Post # 15
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

Anything you wouldnt say or do in front of our s/o is unfaithful in my book.

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